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Are Girls who like Girls attracted to different things?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Love4Ever, Sep 4, 2018.

  1. Love4Ever

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    So this is only an observation and I am in no way saying "all men like these things", or "all women like these things," but I've noticed that in general, there are a higher percentage of women who like other women who don't meet conventional standards of what society holds up to be "feminine", and I was curious why this is? I experience it too and find that despite the fact I like girls, I sometimes feel like I'm on a different planet when I hear men talk about what they find attractive. Most of the things straight or bi men like don't interest me so I was curious if other women might feel this way too and why.
     
    #1 Love4Ever, Sep 4, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2018
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  2. notaprincess06

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    I won't pretend that I have any "scientific" data or anything on this but I think a lot of it must be cause of gender norms and stereotyping, the messages men and women receive regarding what is deemed attractive. Sure, everyone has their own unique "taste", a tendency to feel more attracted by certain characteristics(physical and mental) but our tastes are also somewhat shaped/influenced by what the world we live in tends to promote as attractive characteristics. That's easily proven by how beauty standards are different across cultures and throughout history.

    Both men and women have diverse tastes but I think women's taste is definitely more diverse. Gender norms come with all sorts of hangups that are harmful and I think that for men they influence what they are attracted to. Women's sexuality has always been heavily policed, ignored and shamed but what they find attractive hasn't. We all know that everything society deems as "feminine" is perceived as weaker and only something desirable for women to have. Women are generally, consciously or not, still perceived as the weaker sex and heterosexual men are conditioned to perceive themselves as naturally dominant, having the upper hand, being stronger mentally and physically, the bread earner, the smarter one, the more capable overall. This is internalized whether they realize or not. The way men are socialized to perceive themselves in relation to women and other men, influences what they are attracted to. This doesn't happen with women because women are already considered lower class so it doesn't invalidate their gender identity if they like more "feminine" men or more macho ones, more intelligent or less intelligent than them, more or less successful, more or less assertive, taller, shorter.

    For ex, I recently read that while men genuinely want smart women and in theory they are ok with women who are smarter than them, when presented with the actual opportunity to go out with someone who seems as smart or smarter/as or more successful than them, at least half of them are put off by it.

    If you think about it, a lot of the things heterosexual men are socialized to perceive as attractive and sexy are signs of stereotypical femininity that also actually indicate fragility, submission, weakness and that the woman is particularly preoccupied with investing time and resources in her body aka the sexual object of his desire. Now, ofc I am not saying men consciously, actively think that way but that's what is at the core of beauty standards for women. Heterosexual men are generally put off by "androgynous" or "masculine" acting/looking women even when there's no confusion about their gender despite the look, and that's not cause they don't act like "women"(whatever someone who identifies as a woman does, if by definition feminine) but because they're too much. In fact there's plenty of men who would be attracted to such women and aren't or stifle it because they're afraid of how other men will perceive them if they were with such a woman.

    For women there isn't this problem. Also physically the beauty standards for men are much more varied, as a man you can be largely seen as attractive looking in a variety of ways, shapes and sizes. Women and society don't objectify and sexualize men like they do women so even when they are lusted over they are still seen as complex humans first. Women do care about looks too, physical attraction is just as important but there's way more combinations of features and sizes and so on that are attractive to a large percentage of women, from clean cut, nerdy or even more "feminine", to super built, rugged, burly men. And there's no shame associated with liking any of these types.

    To me I think this is one important reason why lesbian/bi women are on average more attracted to non-conforming women, even the most "masculine" looking types, than straight men are. I think it's also why there's less ridicule and bullying of "butch" non-straight women in the lesbian/bi community than there is of effeminate gay men in the gay community.

    Then I think it's also that women have a more nuanced view of other women and all the roles they can play, all the ways they can be, they might be more open to different ways to express gender and be sexy.

    Personally, I'm not into extremes and I'm not interested in fragility in women or overt strength in men. When it comes to women I can find a very masculine one as attractive as someone more "femme" or someone in between. I also find intelligence, humor and being nerdy extremely attractive. In fact, those are what makes or breaks attraction for me because I find those inner qualities influence how that person looks, their facial expression, the vibe they send, the way they carry themselves, the look in their eyes and I don't like someone who seems like an empty vessel, pretty or not. Unfortunately, it is my impression from what I've seen, certainly where I live, that for most men a bit of charm and stereotypical femininity is enough to take their minds. I'm not generalizing but it is a trend I've seen in men more than in women.
     
    #2 notaprincess06, Sep 4, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2018
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  3. Love4Ever

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    This is a very interesting response. I was curious what a woman's take on it would be. I actually have always found women who are very femme to be a turn off and off putting to me. I don't like the sort of plastic Barbie doll, heavily made up women you see on tv. I cringe when women try so hard to look sexy for men because it all seems incredibly fake and off putting to me. All I want is a sweet girl with a bare face in a pair of blue jeans. None of this sexy, swim model stuff that is so prevalent. I just like normal women. Women who look like they just got out of bed, took a shower, and went to work instead of spending hours in the bathroom applying gallons of makeup. Maybe because I can't relate to that at all since I'm nothing like that. For me, that is as off putting as a man who only cares about sports and pickup trucks. I just hate stereotypical femininity and masculinity. Give me an androgynous person who is a real human being any day of the week.
     
    #3 Love4Ever, Sep 4, 2018
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  4. sjax0628

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    Amen. For me, there is no greater turn off than the Barbie doll, sorority girl type. I am more of the athletic, no make up kind of girl and I guess that’s what I am attracted to as well.
     
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  5. Love4Ever

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    Yes! I wouldn't say I am sporty or athletic, (I am actually horrible at sports), but I am not overly feminine. I actually like girls who are sportier than me though.
     
  6. LunaMare

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    I can definitely relate to this. I think part of the reason why it took me so long to realise I’m gay is because I’m not actually that attracted to things that are refered to as hot or sexy when it comes to women. Or at least not the way the male gaze portrails it. I would get confused because really big boobs for example are actually more of a turn off to me.

    I do like femme women but not really over the top make up, dresses, high heels, barbie/fake appearance... ones. Just natural beauty.

    The things that do catch me eye in a woman are often details I don’t usually hear a man mention as a way to describe why they like a certain woman at first sight.

    the most imporant for me would be the kind of energy/vibe someone sends me. I’m all for the badass/kick ass girl.
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    Yes! All of this. Which maybe explains why I never realized I was bi. One, I didn't really consider it for many years, and two, I had to find what my own brand of sexy was. And it wasn't what surrounded me.
     
  8. Love4Ever

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    I agree also that energy is so important. I want a girl who makes me feel something.
     
  9. Shorthaul

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    It also depends on the region you grow up in I have noticed. I grew up in smallville Mcmiddleofnowhere, and my preferences in women or men are different than my friends who grew up in major cities.

    I like women who can do things for them selves, and don't mind rolling up their sleeves and doing it. However all of the guys I know from big or huge cities want a woman who "needs" the guy to do things for them. Like they seem genuinely disappointed if the girl can open a stuck jar. So I suppose those of us from places where people need to be a bit more self sufficient find that more attractive than more urban guys. From my experience.
     
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  10. jenne

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    Exactly!! That's the type of girl I like.. I hate girls with make up (especially if it's too much) and that care are about their nails and their "style" all the time.. So I thank God I don't like straight girls so much.. Because most of the time straight girls are like that
    I just want a natural cutie and that's enough..
     
    #10 jenne, Sep 7, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
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  11. notaprincess06

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    I think this is one of the things that also kept me from realizing I was bi/pan. Women here tend to be more stereotypical and even those who are not super femme have some sexist views about themselves that I don't like, they have that sort of fragile flower vibe to them and that tendency to make themselves "small" around men. So I only had small crushes on like two women that I knew in person and didn't think much of it at all. However I did have crushes on both male and female characters all my life but again I just didn't think of my women crushes as crushes, just admiration, wanting to be like them or thinking they're like straight crushes(since women are socially allowed to strongly admire or even be attracted to other women without it being a sexual thing exactly). The women I was attracted to in tv series/movies were always the bad ass, strong woman, not that feminine type, women who had at least something androgynous about them.

    And I too don't really find the looks men seem to be into, that sexy. I can appreciate a woman I like in some body hugging, fancy dress or whatever but that really doesn't get me going. Now, give me a woman I like in a gender neutral suit or gender neutral casual wear and I'm in serious lust. Same with make up, I don't care for it, it just doesn't look like something that occurs in nature so to speak and I like the lines and imperfections, the real, "alive" look. Plus, I always think that no matter how much make up one puts on, under it it's still the same face so I'd rather have that.

    I even the natural look in middle aged women, which heterosexual beauty standards are still super against cause any amount of wrinkles on women is apparently incredibly unsexy. In fact, the woman I find sexiest and most beautiful and fascinating in this world is a middle aged actress who I love most without any make up on and find even better now with some wrinkles even though i've always thought she was the most gorgeous woman ever and was the only crush I had in my teens that made me actively wonder if this was more than admiration.

    Also, I find that, as opposed to how it seems a lot of men do, I look at the women I'm attracted to the same as I look at the men, in the sense that I never lose sight of them being complex human beings, I feel respectful of them in a conscious way even when I lust and in fact if I have no reason to respect them I don't feel much lust at all cause, as I said before, I don't find people who are sort of empty behind the eyes attractive.
     
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  12. Mihael

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    Idk, I like feminine women, I never learned it, quite the opposite. But fakes are a turn-off for me, definitely. No makeup or natural makeup for me :slight_smile: Natural cuteness wins. Sexy clothing is sexy, but let's be realistic, life is not all about sex and love is also not all about sex. Sexy clothes in the bedroom? On a date? Why not? Not coping with life on your own is maybe not a turn off per say for me, but I wouldn't date such a person, that's just not healthy.

    I like androgynous men, on a side note. Masculine men are a turn off for me. When I hit a sense of rivalry, it turns me off. Honestly, masculine women do the same for me. Maybe it's personality thing, and maybe it's a matter of those people not having the traits I find attractive like being warm, loving, empathetic, sensitive, nice, sensual, sexy.

    I have been thinking exactly about this topic recently! If gay and bi women tend to find the same things attractive in other women as hetero/bi men do. I was wondering if I'm the odd one out to like the very traditional (but self-sufficient and reasonable) type of women.
     
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  13. Love4Ever

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    Well, I felt I was the odd one out! lol I thought there was something wrong with me for not finding super feminine looking women sexy. I don't know. I just have always felt uncomfortable with women OR men who are very masculine or feminine. I am as turned off by men who are really manly as women who are very feminine. It just turns me off very quickly and it's hard for me to find that attractive.
     
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  14. Forlong

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    I’ve always been attracted to women who don’t fuss over makeup and clothes. Women that can wear anything and still feel beautiful. Never been attracted to the Feminine looking girls, always felt they tried way too hard. And that goes the same for the guys who like feminine women a totally turn off. I always felt like a tomboy compared to them but I liked that about myself. What attracts me is being comfortable in your own skin.
     
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  15. signmypapyrus

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    Femme isn’t always how you present yourself. I’m femme, but I used to drive a F-250 Turbodiesel, ride and train horses, and am not very “feminine.” Femme is the differentiation between gender (roles) and sexuality and how one prefers to exist in a relationship. Many femmes prefer being pursued, for example, but not all. I know why I identify as femme is because of my personality. I am a nurturer, I tend to be more vulnerable, and once I am vulnerable I like being taken care of. My ex (who was a bit more butch, but not entirely) liked taking care of her partners, which for her, made her feel butch.

    So many lesbian identities are about subverting gender norms.
     
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  16. Lexa

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    @emerry You are not alone. I'm attracted to femininity in men and women. The men and women I find attractive never show very masculine behaviour. It's a turn off for me. I can like androgynous men and women but they can't act in a masculine way because then I'm gone with the wind. I also like really feminine looking girls like for example Alice in the L world. Damsels in distress also definitely do it for me. I have a more masculine vibe myself. And yes, I think for me it has to do with a sense of rivalry too, like I feel threatened in my masculinity (although there is no doubt in my mind I am a woman). I don't want to be seduced myself either. My natural reaction when a guy hits on me is to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. All the guys I dated I dated because I asked them out lol. I haven't got hit on by a woman yet but I imagine my reaction would be exactly the same.
     
    #16 Lexa, Sep 8, 2018
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  17. Lexa

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    Thinking about it I actually got hit on by women several times (I just woke up) but never in an agressive way (like men often do) and I didn't flee in those cases. Interesting. The reason we never started dating was because I was not attracted to them or because I was in a relationship but not necessarily because they hit on me.
     
  18. Lin1

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    I am a femme, not the "fake nails, fake lashes, fake tan" type of femme (not that there is anything wrong with them) that men are most attracted to but I do dress feminine and I do happen to be mostly attracted to femmes (same though, not the overly dolled up and drown in make up type of femmes) but I mostly like unconventional girls, the ones who may be femme-looking but rock their own unique style and dare to express their personality through their choice of clothing, tattoos or whatever, I don't mind the more conventional feminine women but I would rather they rock a more natural look as too much make up is a turn off for me as is esthetic surgery (like bigger lips).

    I don't mind slightly more masculine women too but I am just not into butch or women who are two manly though I want the girls I date to be pro-active and rock some of the characteristics that are usually associated to men (as I do).
     
  19. Love4Ever

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    Yes, yes, yes! This a thousand times. I really admire a girl who dresses in such a badass awesome way. A girl with a masculine energy is so ridiculously hot. Erika Linder for instance. Gee whiz she reduced me to a puddle. Sexiest woman ever.
     
  20. signmypapyrus

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    Yep, that masculine energy is really attractive.

    If I ever settle down, I want someone who will live in a cabin in the woods with me. That sounds lovely.
     
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