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Time is pressure... I need to decide

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Himo, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Lilbird

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    I have found this thread helpful, especially the story from Cashew. When I first came to terms with my same sex attraction, it was exciting. There was an onset of new emotion and energy. But since then, there has been a lot of heartache and pain as I try to understand and let go of my history of opposite sex romantic attachments. I know I’m no longer straight, but in my mind, I can’t be gay because I have truly loved men. But if I’m bi, then why don’t I feel sexual attraction to the opposite sex anymore? And if I’m bi, can’t I just choose to be with a man and be happy? Life would surely be easier. Why do I feel like something has been missing? I have been getting impatient with myself and the process, so it’s helpful to read that it’s normal for all this to take time to figure out.
     
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  2. Lilbird

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    And best wishes to you Himo. Ending long term relationships is never easy. I hope you find your answers and peace.
     
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  3. Cashew

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    I'm so glad you find it helpful. It helps me to also know that there is someone who might be going through a similar thing to me - I don't think there are that many of us really. Most people, as you say, are aware of suppressing their feelings from a young age.

    I'm not saying that you are exactly the same as me though. I don't want to pigeon hole you, as I think it's important for you to figure things out for yourself.

    However, saying that, 4 years ago, I was thinking exactly the same as you - that I only wanted to have sex with women and not be in a relationship with them. I also couldn't imagine kissing a woman or waking up next to one either.
    I think it's because it's just so alien - we aren't used to seeing gay men and women in relationships in most of western media so there are very little real 'models' to follow.

    I also don't immediately find good looking women attractive either. Attraction is a lot more subtle for me - sometimes the people I'm attractive to aren't even 'ascetically' good looking, there is just something about them, like a magnetic pull which draws me in....

    Breaking up with my ex was probably one of the most difficult things I have done but also one of the best things. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

    Good luck with everything and I hope that you eventually figure out what you are looking for.
     
  4. Himo

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    I hear/read that a lot: "My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.". I waited for too long too. 11 years! I feel so bad for her. And i am angry against me, that i didn't found out sooner. I hope i get this figured out soon. And i will let you know.

    Thanks again Cashew! You are a big help
     
  5. Himo

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    Long story short (the details are in the first post):

    After a 11 yo relationship with my GF I told her (as a 30yo man) that I may have “gay-sex-desires”.
    I freaked out at the moment I told her. We both cried and she left. In a panic attack the next day I called her and we met again to speak about everything in detail.


    UPDATE:
    We decided to see a therapist. My GF heard the first time in her life somebody else questioning my sexual orientation. That was the moment she really realized, that I could be gay. That triggered something in her. After a few weeks she told me, that she understands, that she is “holding me back” from discovering myself. Coming from her, it was a big release for me.


    And I realized that two things are holding me back from discovering who I am (sexualy):
    • I love my GF and I don't want to hurt her
    • I can't see myself romantic with a man
    Thanks to my GF and her courage, we are now able to see our bond as a very strong friendship. We have to let go the sex part... It seems easy when you almost never had sex, but the feeling of “loosing your partner” is hard...

    For the second problem I still have no solution. I think I just have to be patient and trying to discover the “gay side of life”. Beating internalized homophobia, seeing gay people, loosing stereotypes... etc. It all sounds easy... There is still the what if...

    What if I am doing the biggest mistake of my life?
    What if my GF looses patience?
    What if I was just looking for a “kinky kick”?
    What if I end alone?
    ….


    I hope I find a solution soon. And I hope those lines can help somebody that is going the same path. After all: Things are better now. It feels good speaking with your closest people about your problems/desires.
     
  6. Cashew

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    Thanks for the update Himo. WELL DONE! I know how difficult that must have been for you, I hope you're proud of yourself, it really takes a lot of strength to do what you did.
    When I told my ex although he was much less supportive and didn't believe me when I told him that I thought I was gay, which sowed further doubt in my mind at the time (I think this was more about his ego though). My relationship was different in that, the love, affection and essentially friendship just were not there anymore and we had grown apart so it was easier in away for me to break away from him.

    In response to you not being able to see yourself romantic with a man - I have to admit I still occasionally have the same doubts about being romantic with women but they are becoming less and less, the more I infiltrate myself in the LGBT world. For me it really was about not having many lesbian friends or many examples in the media. But also I think another issue is, when you have been in a heterosexual relationship for a long time, or believed that you were heterosexual for a long time, you get used the the hetero relationship style - which is essentially very different from a gay relationship. I think gay relationships are a lot more equal and maybe it will just take time for us to figure out what our roles will be in those relationships.

    I have found, just reading gay literature, watching gay films, following gay people on instagram etc are all helping me to understand and come to terms with my identity more. However, I have to say that there are A LOT more gay men in the media at the moment than women, so as a gay women it is still very difficult to really fully immerse yourself in lesbian culture, I'm finding.
    I can recommend some films/books to read if you're interested.

    Even if it doesn't feel like it, you are still very young and you have plenty of time to figure things out.

    Are you really making the 'biggest mistake' of your life? For how long could you be happy in a relationship with no sex, where you are wanting to have sex with other people, would repressing that not be the biggest mistake of your life?
     
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  7. Himo

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    Thanks for your reply Cashew! It means a lot to me, that you are still answering on this thread!
    I don't know if i feel proud... i fell more released. To speak about it helped a lot.

    As you wrote it; You have to see the positive aspect of it. "Breaking away" is a very hard process for me and i am still not sure if we can manage this. The way my GF reacts on all this, shows me even more what i nice person she is...

    I feel that too. There was a time i could NEVER see myself with a man. Now i get slowly comfortable with the idea... with a specific man i try to imagine...

    I never saw it that way... But it gives me brainfood ;-). I can imagine, that there is something going on in this direction concerning my "sexual role". With my GF i was always the more dominant part. And in my Fantasy i imagined myself being dominated by a man.

    I am actually doing the same thing. I watched "Milk", "The normal heart", "Weekend", and a movie with 2 police men falling in love. I am very interested in some other stuff :slight_smile:. What helped me a lot, was when i realized, that there isn't "THE" gay man. I always had those "fabulous" guys in mind. I didn't really knew gay people... and didn't realize, that most gay people are just like me (like straight guys..).
    You are right with the gay men in media. On the other hand, at my workplace there are more lesbians. On 650 employees (80%men) we have maybe 7 lesbians. And 0 gay men. 0! When i would come out, i am the first gay man in this place :-/.

    It always feels good to hear that :slight_smile:.
    I guess you are right. It's just that sex seems so unimportant when i spend time with my GF...
    We will see how this journey will end... i will continue to update. Thanks again Cashew!
     
  8. Himo

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    UPDATE:

    With help of therapy, my girlfriend gave her OK, that i should try same-gender sex. So i did. I saw a man in my age and we did what i always fantasized about; We had oral sex and i bottomed for him. And it did nothing for me. I felt no connection, no erection... nothing. I was frustrated again, because I hoped, that with the blessing of my girlfriend I could open more to this experience.

    When you read my posts, you will realize, that I always thought, that I could be gay and that I am slowly accepting it. It felt better to think I'm gay, than being Bisexual. There were moments I hoped that I'm gay... I always saw bisexuality as something “not clear”, people who can not decide what exactly they are.

    After long reading, watching videos and informing myself about bisexuality, I came out to myself as bisexual. I am bisexual! Finally my brain is in peace. I want to share a video with you, that explained a lot of things for me and that makes a lot of sense from my point of view. Maybe it can help someone else that goes the same path:



    One more thing is still not sorted out: My girlfriend is informed, but needs time to accept the situation. We need to speak more about our sexuality and the way we live it. And she needs to know for herself, if she want's me as her best friend or her man by her side. I hope we can continue as a couple...

    I wish you all the best on your path and i hope you will find peace too :slight_smile:.