I don't think I can ever accept it...

I have to post again, I tried to go to sleep and this wave , this tidal wave, of romantic and sexual passion overwhelms me.
Why do I say romantic? I have no one in mind but that's how I feel... I just don't know if this is real... I know this sounds crazy

 

What made you change? what made you realize? what made you notice?

 

Well I thought I was straight up until my mid 20's, despite the fact when I look back now I can see many signs that I wasn't. At the time I was oblivious to all of them, I was very shy and a bit socially awkward and so I put my lack of experience and male interest down to that, I thought I wanted a boyfriend and the thought of it didn't repulse me so I was straight right. I don't know how I thought LGBT knew they were gay but I just thought they new. I had always been supportive of others and had never grown up or lived in a homophobic environment.
One day in my mid 20's I was watching a program called sugar rush which has a lesbian storyline and all of a sudden I had this heart stopping moment where I thought 'OMG I think I like this more than the average straight girl'. I still remember it so clearly now. It felt like that moment lasted an hour even though it was clearly a split second. To begin with I pushed the thought away, no, no I can't be, I'd have known. I can't be gay, not me. The thing is though once that thought has entered your head you can only push it away for so long. The thought kept creeping into my head and it terrified me, let's face it as far as my mind was concerned it was absolutely fine for anyone to be gay as long as it wasn't me, I would support anyone, but no, not me I couldn't be gay. Plus if I was gay what was I going to do with it, I was never going to be able to tell anyone or come out, plus I'd never find a girlfriend so why go to all the trouble.
These thoughts went around and around in my head until they started driving me crazy so I went to the only place I thought I could google and I started looking at some stuff online, I was terrified and embarresed and I had no clue what I was doing but after quite a bit of googling I ended up here. I made some threads about how confused and embarresed I was and what I also found helpful was just chatting to other people and realising that actually I wasn't as alone in this as I thought, many other people were going through similar things. Those people helped me so much, the more I tried to lay down my fear and my internalised homophobia and let myself enjoy those new thoughts and feelings the more everything seemed to make sense. Don't get me wrong this didn't happen overnight but it also didn't take forever. The more I just tried to. Let myself look at women and enjoy that and then try not to get mad at myself afterwards, slowly but surely I felt better. It sounds stupid but getting up in the morning, looking in the mirror and saying to yourself, 'I'm gay, but that's ok' can really help, to begin with I couldn't say it, then after a while perhaps I could whisper it but it felt awful but gradually it got better. My mind started to component being gay with things that weren't just negative associations. Everything I told a friend what was going on, and then another and another until I told my family and I was out. I met a girl, we have been together 9 years and next year we are actually getting married. I realise I am very fortunate, my friends and family have all been really supportive and not everyone is that lucky.

 

I think most people get that feeling eventually where they just have to tell someone in real life what's going on in their head. For some people it's a friend, or a family member but these thoughts have a way of wanting to escape our brain.

From what you have posted, it is the intense feelings that you get around your males fantasies I have to say in my time on EC the pattern of intense fantasies followed by such deep seated disgust with what you have then done seems much more common in men, although not solely found in men. I've seen people in almost identical situations who have then worked though their shame and guilt and come out the other side literally and been so much happier and fulfilled.

 

There you go, that moment where it felt nice, you could feel like that all the time.

You really don't think you are, or you really really hope you are not because that's going to be really difficult to deal with? It might have fizzled out in the past but it's always come back eventually right otherwise we wouldn't be here.

 

This post alone, if I wasn't already convinced tells me more than any before that you are more than likely gay. Straight men don't have to work at getting off over beautiful women.

Let's just imagine for a second that we weren't dealing with sexuality and all of the social pressures and preconceived ideals on it and say men were one brand of chocolate and women were another (I know you think I'm crazy but go with me). Based on what you have written above if I offered you both brands of chocolate without any judgement on your choice what would you pick?

 

When I do just let my thoughts happen it feels very nice and natural but I fear its just thoughts or I tell myself it's just thoughts

the anger afterwards, the back and forth drives me crazy!

I walked to the bathroom mirror and tried doing this.. my mouth started to tremble... why would it be so hard? I almost started to cry....

congratulations!
A thought shot into my head about marrying..a guy, my heart raced!

I guess I just don't feel i can get past everything...

I haven't had any wine this morning and I woke up with intense feelings of wanting to be with a man... not just sex, and an intense feeling of being gay ( i don't know exactly how to describe it) I can attribute it to alcohol.

 

I meant I cannot attribute it to alcohol

 

When I feel gay, I also feel a more feminine side,like this other me I have been hiding, but I think really embracing being gay would mean changing how I act and what I do, whether real or not, I have built up a masculine image, when I fantasize, about sex and being with a guy romantically, I am much more feminine, i even dress different, that's what makes me feel its just a fantasy.

 

But for arguments sake, lets say part of me wanted to connect to those beautiful women and want to be intimate with them.. Let's put aside societal conditioning and say its a life I want - I could pursue that route too...
When I do feel more masculine, I do feel more 'straight' and there are times when this just feels like some weird internal imbalance..

 

This morning I feel an overwhelming desire to be with a man sexually and intimately.
I asked myself a question.. what if I just accepted that I was gay? What would it feel like?
Immediately a feeling of relief came over me.

 

You are on a journey - take it one day at a time

 

My personal take is once you become more comfortable with being gay, the interest in women on any level begins to fade. For me it was somewhat rapidly. Now frankly they are an afterthought. No interest nor desire to be with a woman. I know for a fact I could no longer become aroused by a female. You are going through a process, it takes time to become comfortable being gay. Once you do your world will open up and you can embrace your homosexuality honestly and without shame or reservation.

 

You could pursue that life for sure, but my advice would be to speak to some people here and read some of the threads here of people who have done that. Who have been in positions similar to yours and chosen not to work through it but to put their blinkers on a live a straight life and see how that worked out for them and the damage it caused.
Do you think your brains perspective of what it means to be gay makes you feel as though you can't be masculine and gay?

 

I think there are a couple of things going on here, firstly the way you have projected yourself until this point as a manly masculine man. Being gay doesn't mean that has to change. Stereotypically people think gay man, overly feminine, likes shopping and fashion but that isn't the case for everyone. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with being that or not being that. The other issue is maybe that is truely who you are s just at the moment your mind can only manage to go there for short periods of time. I'm not saying you have to change who you are just that you should listen to your inner self and investigate things that might make you happy.

 

Your mind tells you it's just your thoughts because it is so afraid of it actually being true it can bring itself to deal with it. Just hold the thoughts as long as you can, and in time the amount of time you can enjoy the feelings for will get longer and longer.

Yeah I can imagine that is frustrating and infuriating, I just feel you have to try and push through it otherwise you get stuck in the same position.

It's ok to feel upset and cry, you have kept all these emotions and feelings bottled up for so long sometimes it can feel overwhelming to let them out. Keep trying, it will get better gradually.

Thank you, I am very happy. Just keep that thought in your mind and explore how great it would make you feel.

That's because the thought of it is overwhelming and feel insurmountable. I had this feeling too, I think you have to try and break it down into small pieces rather than think about it all at the same time. So maybe think ok I'm just going to try and get to a point where I don't get so much angry and upset after a fantasy. That is much smaller and manageable. Rather than thinking omg what if I'm gay im going to have to come out and tell everyone and face my fears and deal with homophobia etc etc. Once you achieve your first goal you can set another one and before you know it you will have made loads of progress.

This is great progress. You should be so proud of yourself. I think don't push it too much or do much with it just ride it and see what happens.

 

I got to the point of being able to tell I could see a guy as attractive but not wanting to act on it through a lot of questioning.
I also opened my mind up to liking women then fantasy and reality merged.
It took a little while but I would see an attractive woman and think hmmm she's cute. Then over time it just flooded in. I opened my front door to a very cute postwoman and that sealed the deal. I was so taken back my her, think I struggled to even converse with her. It felt a million times stronger than any guy I had met. I also never had no sex drive with a male partner and I've never had that issue with a woman .
It is all trial and error. Labels mean nothing, I think of it more as a spectrum of gayness.

 

Completely agree but in the bisexual realm, where labels confuse everything! The latter still makes completely no sense.

Which is unfortunate because as you pointed out labels are restrictive yet at the same time putting a label on our feelings is very liberating. There is meaning.

 

Today at home, I am stiting here on the couch, just imagining what it would be like to full accept that I am gay, I have a lot of fears... but overwhelmingly it gives me a very happy feeling...

Thanks I have read this from other posters as well, did you look at women before?

The feminine side definitely feels more comfortable, Its more that leaving the masculine image, would shock people and it would be very hard to change...

Right now it feels very good!

 

Right now I am scared that I'll start being attracted to coworkers.

for some reason I think about being gay, not bi.. I don't know why because bi might make more sense....

My fantasies are way more intense on the gay side.