For those Late in Life who had hard time with acceptance and coming out

Maybe when the time is right you will know it is time to take action. Until then enjoy the fantasy and relax - what is meant to be will be

 

Personally, I started by writing a long letter to a friend.
I didn't send it, mind. I just wrote it. As an exercise. "If I were to come out, this is what I'd tell".

At the face of it, it sounds like a waste of time. Why write a sizeable letter if you don't intend to send it and aren't sure if you'll ever tell that friend?
But... it helps to just get your thoughts out there. To imagine what you'd say. What their remarks and questions might be and to type out answers to those. Instead of mulling it over and over inside your head you are at least doing a passable facsimile of a conversation.

I didn't send that letter, but I did return to it over the span of a few weeks. Rewrote parts of it. Deleted and added parts. It wasn't a letter to a friend, but in a way, it was a conversation with myself at different times and at different moods.


And then, of course, I eventually told a friend. Just the one. You don't need more than just the one, at first.
When you're new to even considering it, it feels like you're faced with an insurmountable mountain. How will you tell all of the people you know? Friends, family, colleagues, the world? Will you need to go out into those scary gay bars and clubs? What are the GLBTQ+ people in your vicinity like? And what if X or Y happens? And what if...

It's impossible to fix all of those issues at once. It's way easier to tackle them in the tiniest of bites.
So I identified a friend who was sure to be supportive (and who could keep a secret). And I told him.
Made sure we were alone and undisturbed and not unduly stressed out by real life. I explained that I wasn't as sure as I wanted to be and it was all new and terrifying, but also something I felt like I needed to get out there.
And that he didn't need to have any big solutions or insights , but that I just needed someone to know and be supportive and not tell anyone else just yet.

We didn't actually say much else about it. In fact, we talked about video games and holiday plans after my confession. But it was just a load off my shoulders. someone knew and it wasn't the end of the world and we could just remain friends. I needed that way more than any big solution.

After that, of course, I came out to more people. But maybe that's something to discuss after you tried some baby steps. That's how we all learned to walk, once upon a time!

 

As others have said. It is different for each of us. I looked at being bisexual as having an "optional" side to my sexuality. I could always have a gay relationship if I felt like it or I could just set the desires aside and be a straight guy.

This isn't how it works. Eventually, the secret almost destroyed me and my marriage.

It was hard. But, I accepted that my sexuality is part of who I am. We can't pick and chose. If I could not be bi what else would I lose? My sense of humor? my compassion?

Once we realize that our sexuality has always been a part of us, it becomes easier to accept.

I only have come out to my wife and a few gay friends. Who you come out to depends on what you feel you need to share with them. It is different for each of us.

 

I couldn’t agree more...all I do is fantasize or try to drop subtle hints but that’s the extent of it

 

I can completely understand the writing of letters to self, been there done that...it’s therapeutic in a way as it helps you express yourself but then again it’s not the same as being able to confide in someone...I hope things get better for you

 

One of the most powerful things I ever did was look in the mirror and tell myself "I am gay" I was curious as to what my own reaction would be. Is this real? Is it a phase (40 year phase lol)? or what? I think I kind of smiled and giggled a little the first time but from time to time I do it and it never fails to bring a smile.

 

I started with a therapist. That made it super easy.
Sometimes I would say it aloud to myself in the car or in the house if it were empty.

 

Hello
I'm 42, separated from my wife, previous gay relationship before my marriage to her. We have 3 kids 13 and under. I tought I could lead a straight life. But at about age 37 my youngest was born. He was very ill for a year and I thank God he is ok now . My relationship with my wife fell apart at that point.
I am nearly 43 now and I came out as bisexual this year but I lean more towards being gay as I am more attracted to men.
Coming out has been so hard and I started this journey at about 38 years old. I got to a point I had to be honest. So I told my wife. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. After 6 months she is more accepting but some days she is very mad and angry . Then I told a few people at work. Then last month i told my mum and dad plus sister.
I feel so free now but emotionally I am up and down like a roller coaster!!! I even want to cry which isn't me as I don't usually have any emotions.
I am having counselling and have joined local LGBT community but I am still learning about a new life . I feel alone but this forum helps me and I know I will make friends at the LGBT events....
Rade

 

The liberation I felt when I finally looked at myself in the mirror and said the words “ your gay” was incredible. Saying out loud that I acknowledge my homosexuality was the starting point of the best decision I ever made. Finally and openly affirming to myself I want live an openly gay life was as if I suddenly found what I spent a lifetime looking for. I preferred men, deal with it world.

 

Steps: (not in any given order)
a) I wrote letters to very close friends and family telling them I strongly believe I was gay. Note I used the word believe. For at first I thought well maybe I could be wrong. Or I was bi.
b) I found "a friend" here on ECs who I could ask questions. I did this via PM - private message function. Soon I took on a few more ECs friends who I could confide in and ask questions of.
c) I went to Gay Pride events and got crazy. Crazy specifically means I danced on the dance floor! .
d) I took on friends where I live and we'd sit in coffee shops and talk for hours. I confided in them.
e) I increased my exercise routine just a bit and made absolutely sure I got lots of sleep, drank plenty of water, and ate proper food. Hint, leave junk food alone.
f) I did a LOT OF ONLINE RESEARCH into what it means to be a gay man. Try www.psychologytoday.com - PT for short.
g) I purchased gay themed books and read them all - fiction, anthologies of coming out stories (I liked these the best), text book style books like the Velvet Rage.
h) I journaled. (this helped organize my thoughts and allowed me to go back and see past thoughts so I could refine reflection moments and be more productively.)
i) I'd perform photo analysis and write about what I was thinking. Example: I'd see a pic of a mid teen aged male siting in a corner, sad face, maybe even crying. I had massive empathy for this person. I'd sit down and write why I felt sad for this person. Example 2: I'd see a pic of a young Syrian boy who was injured from a bomb blast. I'd sit down and write how I felt about the scene in the pic.
j) Id execute what others suggested to me. Example: ECs friends would say I had to make myself vulnerable to grow, so I'd tell some one I hardly knew out of the blue I was gay. .(man talk about vulnerable) Extremely scary thing to do but with huge benefits.
k) I became more active on ECs. What did this do? It helped me learn that there are others out there with the same problems - so now I was building community!
l) Go to gay group events like biking day trips, etc.

What I didn't do:
a) Go to gay bars. Alcohol "confuses" the brain and can cause one to do things they probably should not be doing. .
b) Stayed away form Gay Baths. I did not even know what a gay bath was until I read about them in a gay themed book. (well OK I did go to one bath to see what it was all about. My visit involved no intimacy. I did learn that other males operate at a higher level I most certainly was not at and this helped me make a self assessment to where I was at.)

What I should add to my list o things to do:
a) Become more involved in gay support groups.
b) Get a little therapy.

Wow, what a core dump. Hope all this helps. Good luck.

 

Yep the "no emotions" scenario. It's definitely an indicator that a person is holding back.

 

Oh I forgot.
m) I'd set goals for myself. Most time actually write them down. And yes I'd put dates to accomplish said goal(s). Example: one past goal was to go to a Gay Pride event and dance on the dance floor. What did goal setting do for me? It pushed me to be more bold.

 

Reflection. I cannot overstate the importance of writing ones thoughts down. I wrote lots of material. I'd even write my thoughts down way before coming to ECs and way before I had any clue I was gay. Why did I do this I do not know. I simply do not have a clue. Example. I made a list of guys I had eyes for. The first guy was 14, I was 14. I wrote about seeing a very cute guy on the opposite side of a city street, then walking into a lamp post, hitting my head hard. Why? Because I was looking at the cute guy. I had no idea why I was compiling this list. There are now many entries on the list.

But now the list comes in handy because now it defines solidly who I am. I'm gay. And it puts a "date stamp" on my gay desire. Lol, age 14, raging for guys! .

 

Reflection 2. Writing down thoughts, keeping a journal, all causing me to reflect, actually dislodged forgotten material from my past. I strongly believe the "writing" exercise allowed me to recall child/young adult abuse events.

 

1, told one person at a time I'm bi/gay
2, started running couch to 5K
3, joined local LGBT, first event this Friday night!
4, Started counselling, 2nd session this Friday.
5, considering weight lifting at home, light weights due to my visual impairment.
6, Be happy, i feel the best I have felt in many years......
Rade