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How I knew I was gay.!

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by John Cow, Aug 26, 2018.

?

Can you tell me your realization/acceptance stories?

  1. Yes

    7 vote(s)
    46.7%
  2. Most definitely yes

    3 vote(s)
    20.0%
  3. Sure roo cocka doo

    3 vote(s)
    20.0%
  4. Nah,

    1 vote(s)
    6.7%
  5. Were do I sign up?

    1 vote(s)
    6.7%
  1. John Cow

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    My whole life I’ve never had a man or father figure there for me. My dad was in and out of jail, but just out of my life, I had two uncles, one who was hundreds of miles away, and the other just never spent time with me or got to know me. I had a step grandfather, but thats a WHOLE other story. And to top it all off i had 3 sisters, and 5 female cousins. So i was the boy who acted like a girl, not too extreme but id love going to my sister and cousins fake teaparties and even playing house and dolls. (im such the basic gay right!:slight_smile: ). But as i grew up i stopped and grew a liking to more “straight guy” activities. I still had a feminine side, but showed a little bit. I had girlfriends, for even 2 whole years one time. Me knowing i was gay came soooo gradually. I was around 11 maybe 12 when my best friend basically “introduced” me with my body. We would J.O. (what we called it) all the time. But when i was alone i would watch porn and i came across gay porn, i watched it and i like it. But id only watch it by my self. I never took into consideration of what i was going, i didnt think of it as gay. I would look at the underwear models at the store when id walk past, i would look at other guys too. but still never would have though i was gay. Me and my friend would “fool” around some times too, together, looking back now that was gay asf but then didnt think it was gay. When i moved when i was 13 i didnt see my friend again and wont for a LONG while. And i started to realize i was gay. I HATED myself and i didnt know why, i realized what i was doing and i thought it was wrong. I thought my god hated me for this and i would go to hell for this. i even began researching on how to convert to the women. I cried and prayed for a change but i soon relized this is who I am, god made my heart to love this way so i will love my gay heart. And i did, i accepted my gay powers and flew, jk :slight_smile: . So i geuss this is how i came to accept me being gay rather than know, b/c i dont remember if or when i just *ding* “im gay”.

    P.S. My mom would be totally accepting of me, and she is the only one that matter, after all its just us. But even with that im not coming out yet, and idk why.

    P.S.S. Im writing this because it makes me feel good to just let this out freely. And I ask you to tell me how you found out or accepted your gay powers in the replies. :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
     
  2. Jude B

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    Welp, my story is long, but you asked for it! XD

    I grew up in a very strict, religious household (my parents are extremely homophobic). So, I never opened myself to being anything other than straight.
    It wasn't until Middle School that I started to hang out with this one girl that I had a crush on... But, idk if you can really consider it a crush if you didn't really accept it as a crush at the time... Either way, there was this girl that I had a study hall with. Every day, we'd trade notes, chit-chat and giggle with each other. You know, typical twelve-year-old-girl stuff.
    Then, when High School rolled around, I kinda lost track of her. I mean, she was still in my school, but we got distant and our friendship just... fizzled out, I suppose.
    I met someone who went by Summer at the time. Once I got to know them, I had an epiphany: I thought that they were really cute! Freckles, black hair in a pixie cut, dark brown eyes and a sarcasm that was amusingly dry. But, I never did get up the courage to ask them out. Later, they came out to me and said they wanted to be called Alex, so I did after that. Looking back on it, I really wish I had at least told them how I felt.
    But, I knew how my parents were, so I stayed silent.
    Then, there came college. It really opened the doors of opportunity for me. Having some independence from my parents gave me the chance to explore things about myself that I never could have dared to do before.
    And, after deep thought, long sessions of soul-searching and many conversations with close friends, I finally came out as bisexual. And guess who I came out to first? Alex!
    I'm still not out to everyone (because I still live with my parents, being a commuter), but to some friends and family members.

    I guess that's my story. Thank you for sharing yours.
     
  3. Love4Ever

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    I voted yes. But it's probably a confusing and complicated story so be forewarned. It may also not be the norm here among others.
    Basically I had been an ally and supporter of the community for years. I believed it, but my exposure was more to gay men, through media and family members etc. I don't have any queer women in my family, (besides me) so I really was pretty ignorant about lesbians and bi women for a while. I remember I came across the term bisexual for the first time when I was like 16 or 15, and I remember when I heard the word and really took in what it meant, that it was possible to be attracted to both I found it immensely attractive. This for me was a sign of later things to come. I doubt people who are 100% straight would be so enamored of a word. I loved the concept even if at the time I didn't identify that way quite yet. But I really wanted to. To me
    it represented freedom, a boundless beautiful love without limits and all that amazing hippie stuff that I already identified so strongly with. I never put then I possibility out of my head completely. I began asking questions though. I found males to be aesthetically very pleasing, but I started being curious about a woman's lower region compared to a man's. I started around that time also to be attracted to women on a smaller, less noticeable scale. I was looking at women with no clothes in a different way now. I started to like how soft they seemed to be, and I sometimes found myself staring at their rear. *Blushes* I'm sorry if this is TMI. Anyway, it was pretty minor still and fairly easy to brush aside. I don't think I was consciously doing this because I was ashamed, I just felt more straight because my feelings for men were much stronger. So I basically still identified as straight. About a year or so passed and I was still thinking about it though. It's like bisexuality was a bug and I couldn't get it out of my system. I was still fascinated by it. But I hadn't actually had a major crush on a woman yet. And then when I was eighteen I basically just was done wondering. I wanted to KNOW. So I started to experiment in my mind. I couldn't actually experiment with real people so I had to do it on my own. I put men from my mind to not distract me and really thought about women for the first time ever. I started to look at pictures of women and watch women in the media and observe what and how I felt. I paid attention as if I were attracted to their features and imagined what people would find attractive about them. I allowed myself the opportunity to really THINK critically about something I never had before. I imagined kissing a woman, I tried to find what turned me on. I ended up feeling confused and frustrated at first because I wasn't really feeling it through and I just became exhausted. I now see I was attempting to think TOO critically and I should have allowed my intuition to guide me and just let it grow organically and naturally the way it did with men. So for a while I went back to only thinking about men. I had yet to feel a powerful crush on a woman. And then it happened. I crushed on a woman and I crushed hard. She was a tomboy and I was extremely drawn to her feminine ways but tough exterior. I still like tomboys to this day. :slight_smile: After that it was like the ice broke and I was able to have a point of reference to what it felt like to like a woman. It was almost exactly the same as liking a man only a little different. Now I happily identify as bi.
     
    #3 Love4Ever, Aug 30, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2018
  4. John Cow

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  5. John Cow

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    I can relate to your younger self, you had these feelings but didn’t know exactly what they were or couldn’t pinpoint what or where it comes from. Im glad that you found yourself and let it natually just came in. I love how you said that you let your feelings for other women came in natu
     
  6. John Cow

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  7. Love4Ever

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    Thank you! I wasn't sure my story would be all that helpful I am glad it was. I sometimes feel like my story is kinda different from most people's. I guess I sometimes feel like some people would maybe think that I could have just "stayed" straight. And those comments can hurt so I sometimes am reluctant to share.
     
  8. John Cow

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    Yes it is unique, but it has something in common with most others. You and mostly everybody realizing thier sexually has or is going through a very confusing time. That is your story and you are stronger for it, it does’t matter what other think about it. If they are saying that you should have just stayed straight then they have not been through that same confusing time and therefore can’t say anything. Own your story and share it, it might just make you feel a whole lot better about your self and your story.
     
  9. Love4Ever

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    Thank you!
     
  10. Altanero

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    Well... I knew that when I was 14, and I was on a forum about videogames and cinema. A member talked about Queer As Folk, and posted some photos of the show. You know, it was not a pornographic show... but it had a lot of male nudity and simulations of gay sex. So I watched the photos... and I couldn't stop watching them. The big Q (question) began: am I gay? I was not sure until I was 17, although since 15 I've been watching gay porn...

    But I'm sure there were some precedents. Like I had no friends, and I liked reading, old films, writing, studying... So I had the perception of myself as "different". I felt embarrassed when I was with girls, yes, and I thought that I liked girls. But I was also focused on be appreciated by boys, I wanted to have male friends. As long as I can remember, I've been always interested on male nudity, male bodies, and I always felt ashamed of people watching me naked. And when I reached adolescence, that interest became physical interest.

    I remember myself reading Harry Potter and the Globet of Fire, when I was 9, and the scene of Harry naked in the bathroom was so impressive to me, that years after, when I was 14, I was really looking forward to watch that scene live in the film! :laughing:
     
  11. sonic1337111

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    When I was 11 i started to suspect that I wasn't straight although I couldn't tell my father because of his religous beliefs and at the time I had no idea that my older brother came out as gay to her so I kept it bottled up inside myself until 2015 when I confirmed with myself that I am Bisexual and my older brother was the only person I told who managed to keep it a secret until 2016 when in April I came out to her then in November that same year I came out to the rest of my family and all my friends, except for one person: My father (He died at the end of January this year) as I never found out weather his attitude changed to LGBT+ people I didn't bother risking telling him and unfortunatly i'll never how much it changed since he did accept my older brother when he told him that he was gay and met his Boyfriend (starting to get a little teary eyed when writing this) but i'll never find out how he was when it came to people with other sexualities (Apart from staright) and since my older brother or his boyfriend never brought it up when talking to him I can't ask them.
     
  12. Thomas094

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    As a dad - we do know and sense things although we may not always articulate it. He may of known and accepted it quietly. My sister was in the closet for 20 + years - she then was actively dying and wrote a note to my parents who she never discussed this with - they knew all along and despite church dogma loved her anyway. I wish she had the acceptance when she was alive. So know this- he may of known and loved you no matter what - he may not of said it because you didn't bring it up to him. As a parent - we know - we sometimes watch from a far and no matter what love our kids. Dad I suspect saw you as not one part of you but as a total person and loved who you are- all aspects. I think you made and make him proud daily!
     
  13. Amo616

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    I have a very active imagination and would imagine kissing people wherever I went, the store, library, etc. Even though I knew I should be repulsed by the idea of kissing a woman, I wasn't, still not. I even had a dream where I had a crush on this rocker chick who was also my teacher, I was in 2nd-3rd grade. But I kind of accepted the fact that "being gay, bisexual, pansexual, etc. was wrong." It wasn't until I was in middle school that I was searching online as to why I wasn't repulsed by the idea of kissing and having sex with a woman. I read up on sexuality and discovered that pansexuality clicked with me and my views on romance. So, that's how I figured out I was pansexual.

    How I figured out I was genderfluid was I had always had masculine likes as a child, still do. When I was old enough to choose my own clothes, I picked more masculine clothing. However, as I got older I realized that I sometimes like to wear dresses and makeup. So again I read up on genders and genderfluid really connected with me.

    So now I am a genderfluid pansexual.
     
  14. Bolt35

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    okay so this might gross you out, since i'm a gay male but i'll say it haha

    it was the 90s and there was this show called hercules! It had a beautiful image of Kevin Sorbo, being sweaty and shirtless with all his hairy glory every day. there were a few others that were on the show as well as Xena, and that was when i realized OMG I am a homosexual. though I didn't learn the term for it until later on. I also had a crush on this very muscular elementary school teacher XD
     
  15. Thomas094

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    Bolt35 - I loved that show but I assumed it was the acting while shirtless - that was a great throw back - thanks
     
  16. mnguy

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    I finally figured out the real definition of what it meant to be gay from watching Will and Grace around 1999. Before that I thought it was just an insult meaning girly, wimpy, flamboyant and such, but never was it clear me that it had anything to do with being attracted to men and wanting to date them rather than women. Once that finally clicked, I started to realize all the guys I had been checking out since 6th grade were basically crushes, not just admiring something about them and wanting to be friends. Yea, I wanted to be really good friends with them haha. Good grief I was so naive.
     
  17. SilentStar

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    Interesting story you have there. My mother is as far I know very free minded because she had grown up like you in a religious household and her mother was like anti everything. I even can remember her joking about turning gay as she had seen a hot woman with a nice red dress and a beautiful body in a restaurant
     
  18. Shadows123

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    Part of me always knew I had the potential to love anyone, however, I didn't think about it until I was about 12-13. Around that time, I was always hearing about how "being gay is a sin" and I ended up going into denial because I didn't want to be a disappointment to my family and my church. For about two years after that, I would HATE when people would accuse me of being gay because I already had a lot of self-hatred towards myself and I felt like it was being rubbed in my face, in a sense. I lived a lie, and it was awful. I ended up getting a girlfriend because I wanted people to quit asking me if I was gay. I would always go back and forward in my mind between thinking of guys and begging for forgiveness from the lord.

    I ended up falling very hard for a guy I had classes with my freshman year of high school. I would go as far as to say he was my first "true crush". There were crushes before him, but he was "for real". It tore my mind up being in love with him because part of me wanted to love him and ask him out, and then there was a part that didn't want to be a disappointment to those around me. I cried so much because I felt like I would never be happy with who I am. I always have suffered from anxiety issues so I also was worried out of my mind of someone figuring out and outing me. My crush also ended up to be very homophobic and he realized I liked him (I never said it to him out loud but he figured it out over time). The anxiety and conflicting thoughts and the indirect rejection led to me becoming very depressed.

    I don't want to go into details about that episode of depression here but it was AWFUL. However, after about three months of depression, I had a moment of clarity, I actually could logically think through issues, and I realized that I am not a disappointment. I realized that I needed to change my toxic environment (I was still kind of friends with that crush, I don't know how I was, I was 15 at this point, I was stupid) and that I needed to make some major lifestyle changes or else I would get worse. I was depressed still for quite a while after my moment of clarity, but the first BIG step I took was that I admitted to myself I was pansexual (I identified as bi then though, I hadn't discovered the term "pansexual" yet). I felt a wave of relief over myself because I finally could tell myself the truth.

    I could go on about this and go into much more detail but I won't because it is VERY long and would basically become my autobiography. However, the reason I went into as much detail as I did was to share my experience with those who might be in the same situation that I was.
     
  19. Limiteded

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    I’ve reconnected online to an old coworker who is gay and he is the first guy I have opened up to. I opened up to him because he told me he had always had a crush on me but thought I was straight. This was a shock to me. I’m not out to anyone else right now and up till now have always kinda identified as bi. But the more him and I talk the closer we are getting. I become extreamly attracted to him and I’m starting to have feelings.
    Never in a million years did I think this would happen. But I feel like something has come out in me that I never knew was there and it feels amazing .