Same sex vs opposite sex relationships for bisexuals

Wow! That was really nicely written the way you described it. And I'm certainly not going to judge you, nor do I think anyone else should, for feeling the way you do. It's your normal, how you feel is totally valid. Bi does not mean 50/50, bi doesn't mean feeling the same about both genders, bi doesn't even mean being monogamous or nonmonogamous. It's whatever you feel it is to YOU. I've not been with both sexes, (or anyone for that matter,) but I feel the same way. Women do attract me because with them I am seeking softness, and an emotional release. I am essentially exploring my own body outside myself, if that makes sense. With men I'm looking for differences. I'm highly attracted to the male body because it's different to mine. I want to explore it the way I would a new and beautiful piece of art. I also think they're a lot of bi people who feel similiarly. So whatever anyone says, you are definitely not alone, and you are valid.

 

Hi @dirtyshirt84-
I agree, it's hard to deny that the influence of society is profound. But I also think there are innate differences between males and females. I watched my daughters at a very early age doing "girl" things, and the same thing with my sons doing "boy" things before they could have been pressured by society. But after all is said and done, I think what really matters is finding the fulfillment we seek and need, whatever that is.
=Sevn

 

No one is saying there aren't some differences but in actuality their influence is small and society shapes us more. For ex, testosterone does tend to make one more prone to impulsive, angry reactions but the difference in aggressiveness we see between men and women is shaped by gender roles, the biological difference doesn't account for that gap at all. If you think about it, most men have an average level of testosterone in their bodies and "male" brains yet there's a lot of men who are not at all prone to angry, violent, impulsive reactions. Also, if you look at middle class and upper class, fairly educated men in progressive societies vs men of the same socio-economic background in more conservative societies, the ones in progressive societies are far less violent, more empathetic, more sensitive than the ones in conservative societies that uphold traditional masculinity. Same with women. Women in progressive countries are on average less femme, more assertive, more confident, etc than women in traditional societies. The fact that all men are not the same and all women are not the same, even within the straight, cis population, shows that biological difference don't account for the discrepancies we see.

There's been some studies that, if memory serves, suggest kids are subjected to and begin being influenced by gender roles from very early on, as toddlers or even before that. The overwhelming majority of people, even the most progressive ones, treat their kids differently without even meaning to or realising, according to their assigned gender. The child absorbs information from everything and considering we are sort of wired to look for groups to belong and identify with, most end up fitting the boxes they're subtly, directly and indirectly told they need to fit. Then we all learn to treat the people we meet according to the box society tells us they belong in and according to the characteristics we're told to expect from members of that group. It's basically what leads to racism, xenophobia, homophobia, etc.

So I think it's all about the expectations you are conditioned to have, what you expect from yourself and from others. We expect men to be less empathetic, less capable of emotion and intimacy and we expect them to desire that less. A lot of men end up fitting that bill because they internalized those messages and instead of developing their natural ability and learning to deal with their feelings normally, they repress them and are less able to connect, but not because they lack the basic ability. Even heterosexual women sadly expect less from their partners, even if they say they don't, when it comes to the emotional part and that's not right. By contrast, we expect women to be better at it and most are better at it precisely because of that expectation. But there's plenty of very sensitive men and plenty of very insensitive women, which only proves the point.

I too, as a bisexual woman, expect to be able to have a more intimate, equal, emotionally intense relationship with another woman but not because of her biological gender but because I know a woman is more likely to have developed that "muscle" so to speak.

 

This is very interesting thread, glad the can of worms was opened. I am a bisexual, not a pansexual. If I was a pansexual, I am pretty sure my wife would see my interest in a man as a threat, because as a pansexual, there's no difference in attraction and the needs that are met. However, I am not a pansexual, I am bisexual, I have one sexuality with women, and a different one with men. The one with women is focused on a strong and stable emotional bond that is supported by physical intimacy. The one with men is nothing more than a sexualization of male bonding. I know bringing up bonobos is cliche, but it's common for bonopos to release tension in sexual ways. I find my sexuality with men is very much in that direction. I would only act sexually outside of our marriage if my wife would be on board with it. And she actually wouldn't care if I had a casual M2M interaction because she doesn't see it as a threat to our marriage.

My taste in women is totally different from my taste in men. I too look for softness, heart centeredness with women. With men, I look for the perfect aesthetic athletic body, fit and muscular, and the sexual interaction would be filled with mutual admiration and the celebration of maleness, with no strings attached. I realize that might be seen in a negative light by the gay community which is still desperately trying to get accepted by the same asshole religious bigots that rejected them to begin with, hence the gay community is so desperately trying to convince these bigots that their lifestyle fits into the white picket Orange County lifestyle expectations of the bigots And they pretend there's no promiscuity. I call foul! These same religious zealots bankroll hookers and have gay sex in bathrooms because they're sexually repressed.

It's rather common for men to cheat on their wives by having casual, no emotional connection sex with women, and the reason they don't consider it a problem for their marriage is because of the lack of emotional connection. Not saying it's right, but it goes on all the time. The M2M stuff looks a lot less threatening to me.

 

I think it’s really obvious from this thread that bisexuals experience their sexuality differently and everyone’s experience - while there are similarities - is unique.

Nick, I think it’s great you have managed to have these types of arrangements. As I’ve said before I’d love to do something similar if I can find the right person and my husband is ok with it.

I think (for me anyway) it might be hard for one person to meet all of my needs? Despite the fact I’ve been in monogamous relationships for long periods of time.

 

I just don't know if I would call what you described "romantic". I would call it a friendship with benefits. Romance implies I want to be with that person all the time, a friend with benefits has way less strings attached as is evidenced by your lack of jealousy.

 

Exactly, everyone has different needs based on very distinct circumstances. In my case my wife satisfies all my needs, she's got a healthy balance of male and female energies, so I really don't feel a need to hook up with men. It would be nice and fun to mess around with a cute guy, but it's not an urge or a necessity. As an aside, I am so happy I live in an era where women are liberated and are free to wear both hats. Hopefully men will eventually free themselves as well from the awful gender roles imposed by society. But IMHO men are wayyyyy behind women on that one.

 

This is interesting. I’ve had relationships involving only sex with men but never with a woman. I wonder if it’s something that would work for me. I’ve always had an emotional thing with that woman I’ve been with too. I think I’d be worried I would end up having feelings for the person and wanting more.

 

Thanks for posting this. The reaction is often different. Women may like sex, but men want it sooner, more often, and more physical in nature. I think that bisexuality is a path someone can take if they break down a barrier. Men who are primarily heterosexual will go around looking for the best sex possible with a woman and they know some are better at it than others. Some men might settle down with a woman and then find the sex disappointing because one or both has changed, and I'm not referring to sexuality. Bisexual men are less inhibited and go wherever they can find pleasurable sex and maybe even some kind of connection. I do think that bisexual men also relate to men and women differently when the situation gets intimate. I was naive when I was young and thought the sexes felt the same way about most things and that the only thing that differed was biology. I was way off.

 

They really are different in so many ways! I get it

 

This is so true. I feel this way too. I struggle to find men who I am emotionally able to connect with, and so in a woman I am hoping to have better luck finding that.

 

Hi Nickw,

I don't really post here much these days, but I just saw this thread and wanted to drop by to say thank you, and to encourage you to keep saying what you're saying. It's really helpful to hear from other bi guys who speak out about the reality of their dual attractions, in a world that is often 'monosexist'.

Bi-erasure is a very real thing, and I have felt great anxiety at times when gay people have tried to suggest that I'm really gay and in denial. In fact, I grew up thinking I was straight and because I knew that I liked girls I thought that I obviously wasn't gay. The whole idea of sexual fluidity/bisexuality was completely unheard of, and it's only been the last few years that I've come to accept these dual attractions. Time has been the best advocate for me, and these I feel very confident in my attraction to and desire for both sexes these days. Nevertheless, if I heard of people like you back when I was yonger and felt able to speak about and acknowledge sexual attraction to different genders, then I think I would have saved myself and those I care about a considerable deal of trauma later in life.

I am committed to an opposite-sex, monogamous relationship with my wife, and it has been quite a challenge to integrate this aspect of me into our marriage. Like you, I have a very understanding and empathetic partner who has made pretty much every practical and physical accommodation possible for me to express my sexuality within a monogamous relationship. Although I would like to be with a guy physically, I'd much rather choose to stay with my wife, and I feel very happy with how we've managed to accommodate my same-sex feelings into our monogamous relationship. We've gotten to the point where she actively embraces this part of me and we often joke about it together and see it as a healthy and good part of myself. It also opens further variations for the two of us in the bedroom

We would like to go to a local LGBT group together as a means of finding community and support, but I feel a certain amount of hesitancy due to what people will think and say if I turn up with a woman by my side. I know that I'll work up the courage to do so, but I wish I knew for sure that I'd be accepted for being with an opposite-sex partner before I turned up. Unfortunately there are many stories of subtle rejections of bisexual people within the LGBT community, as you mention having experienced yourself. I feel that I need to steel myself for facing this should it happen.

 

Nickw you put it well. Wish there was more support for the bisexual community.I find it amazing your wife is so comfortable with your bisexuality and you are able to live in both worlds so to speak. It’s great to hear success stories on EC. In my opinion we don’t hear enough. Perhaps you do need to advocate!

 

Yes, please consider it! You really get bi people and are able to explain things better than most people I've seen.

 

Seems like im not the only one that thinks you should start some type of local group for bi people!