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Running around in circles about my sexuality, need help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by BrainTrain, Aug 24, 2018.

  1. BrainTrain

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    Hi everyone,

    Thanks for being here. This is my first attempt at externalizing my fears about my shifting sexuality, I hope this is the right place for it. The past two years have felt like hell in my head as I try to figure all of this out.

    Long story short, I keep having a persistent thought in my head that goes like this - "I'm gay." Simple enough on the surface, but the anxiety, fear, depression, and isolation that it has caused me these past 2 years have been enormous to say the least.

    I'm not entirely sure where to start with all of this. I prefer to label myself as bisexual since I have been in relationships with women my entire life and still find women attractive. But now I find men attractive as well.

    I think I'm dealing with some kind of psychological barrier that I can't seem to resolve on my own. I just keep running around in circles with it. Being bisexual involves two halves, heterosexual and homosexual. There's the attraction to women, which I'm familiar with, and this new attraction to men, which is foreign, scary, and filled with confusion.

    What kind of confusion?
    • Am I supposed to tell people? I still vividly remember my father saying that he would "disown his children if he found out they were gay" when I was younger. The thought of complete and total rejection by the man who brought you into this world is a whole web of problems on its own.
    • Then there's the anger. I feel angry at myself for being this way. Is there something wrong with me? How the hell did this even happen? Is this totally out of my control and I just have to deal with it?
    • Then the anger leads into depression and a feeling of being powerless. Was I made this way and really don't have a choice? Do I just listen to the story my mind is continuing to tell me?
    I don't understand how I can live my entire life up to 30 with sexual attraction towards women and suddenly I find this new attraction to men. It's like something has opened up inside of me and I don't know how to integrate it with the rest of myself.

    Overall, I'm just terribly confused, and I really don't know what to do. I recently ended a relationship of 4 years because I couldn't handle the ups and downs of battling my sexuality and being emotionally available for someone else.

    Is this just something I need to actually experience to understand and accept? Have any of you been in the same boat, fighting in your mind as you see your sexuality shift? How did you get out of the cycle and move your life forward?

    I'm not sure if any of this made sense, I really just needed to get it out of my head. Thank you so much for reading this. If anyone has any suggestions on how to move forward and do something different with this problem, I'm totally open to suggestions.

    Let me know if you have any questions about my situation, I'm happy to provide more details and context if needed.
     
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  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Take a deep breath. It's going to be ok. I think a lot of people here are or have at some point been in a place where they felt they were stuck in their head going around and around in circle on a never ending loop from which they could see no way out. The human brain is an amazing thing but it can also be it's own worst enemy. I know right now you probably feel very alone but trust me you are in a similar position to so many people right now and many people have been in the place you are and have come through it. I don't know your situation entirely but I would say if therapy is a option then it is probably worth looking into, if not then EC is a great place to start.
    The thing is that society naturally leads people down the straight and narrow so to speak and so the reason you get to say 30 always thinking you are straight is because society has held your hand and lead you to these things, even though most of it isn't stuff that you may notice, we all grow up with society saying look at the opposite sex you will like it. Then sometimes as your hormones die down a little or you get to understand yourself a little better you find these little thoughts or voices about the same sex. To begin with or often they are like whispers and I think the majority of us push them away or ignore them at least for a bit because let's face it not many people actually want to be gay. As much as we try though often the more we push them away the more they come back at us and even if we are successful in pushing them away for a bit they will always come back. Dealing with your sexuality is like going through the stages of grief, denial (you sound like you have been there and done it), anger (you have some of this now, 'why me' etc), bargaining (you might have some of this, 'I can't be gay, I'd have known before now, I'm not gay it's because of x,y or z), depression (I think this one is often a large overlapping constant whilst dealing with sexuality for a lot of people and acceptance which you will get to in time.
    There are also many factors influencing how you deal with it, e.g., your dad's previous comments regarding gay people etc, it's really tough but to begin with you have to try and just deal with it regardless of that. Nobody can tell you whether or not you are bi but from what you have written it sounds like you are already pretty sure that you are it's just dealing with that new knowledge that you are struggling with. Once you have found acceptance within yourself you can tackle the situation with your dad etc.

    I guess one of the biggest questions is what next. Nobody can answer that for you either as it's very personal to you the path your journey takes but reading other people's stories and chatting to other people can absolutely help you. Some people like to tell lots of people to begin with and get their friends and or family to help them with their questioning and acceptance etc, others like to get it all figured out and then tell people, some like to tell one person. Some people like to just accept it internally, maybe explore that side of themselves and then only tell people if they get a same sex long term partner for example so there definitely isn't just one way of going about things but everyone here is really friendly so I'd say chat to people read some threads ask as many questions as you like and I'm sure we can help you with your journey.
     
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  3. Thomas094

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    I feel like I could of written this message myself. I totally get where you are coming from and it is hard to reconcile I know. I have struggled with this past 2-3 years and now it is a constant struggle/thought process.



     
  4. BrainTrain

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    Silver, you brought up a really great point about the stages of grief. I never considered the perspective that this is a process of letting go of the old and bringing in something new. What was your "grieving" process like for understanding and accepting your sexuality? Did you go through all the stages in succession, or did they come and go in a kind of random order? I'm not even sure where I'm at, there's definitely alternating stages of depression and anger. I've tried to bargain by blaming my situation on childhood traumas, but really, that feels like an escape. I just need to own this.

    Speaking of owning this, I think there's a really great source of power to be found within by choosing what story to tell myself. If I'm causing myself anxiety, fear, and depression by repeating the "I'm gay" thought in my head, then why can't I choose to tell a different story? Something more positive? My mind defaults to that tape recording because it doesn't know what the hell to do and is stuck on a never ending loop. But I think this can be different.

    I see myself as a confident, bisexual man. I can enjoy sexual attraction and admire the beauty of both sexes. Maybe I'll experiment more with my own body over time. And you know what? If one day I want to have a sexual experience with a man, then I'm free to do so. And maybe later I'll have a sexual experience with a woman. Sexuality is not a binary black and white world where you can only have one or the other. It's really a beautiful spectrum of experience that we all live within.

    Apologies if that all sounds so over the top, but I'm really tired of feeling so negative about this. I'm tired of the self hate. I'm tired of the endless waves of depression that I can't get out of. If moving forward means accepting this part of myself, then I might as well start telling a story that I enjoy and feel good about.
     
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  5. BrainTrain

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    Hey Thomas, are you still struggling with this? What is the thought process like in your head? I'd really like to know what your day-to-day experience is like with trying to reconcile this. I go through stages of denial, anger, acceptance, round and round.
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    Don't be sorry at all, sometimes you just have to get all of it out of your head and if you can't or don't want to talk face to face then on paper is also great. Sometimes people's replies help and other times just the writing itself can be therapeutic.

    With my grieving I definitely started off in denial although I think that period for me was reasonably short, once the conscious thought had popped into my head I couldn't really explain it away with any excuses. Then I think a lot of the other stages came together and kind of came and went at different times, I wouldn't say they all only visited once. I definitely bargained with myself, one of my biggest things in my head was, well I'm never going to find a girl to go out with so I don't really need to deal with all of this and come out or anything anyway. In between my bargaining I had some anger, why me, why have I only just realised it etc. I also had some depression, I was quite lucky in that mine wasn't too bad. I think perhaps more than depression I felt embarrassment. I was embarresed that I was gay and embarresed that it had taken so long to figure it out (which then made me angry) and I was also embarresed for my friends and family. I am very lucky I have super supportive friends and family who have always been very accepting but even so it was really tough, I felt bad that my parents had a gay daughter, I didn't want them to have to go through the process of telling their friends, it made me feel a bit like a failure. I think that feeling also really confused me, as I said I've always lived in an LGBT friendly environment, I've never been the least bit homophobic, but when I started questioning my sexuality I had what I can only describe as some internalised homophobia. As if it was fine for anyone else, and I would support them but not for me. I think coming out and not losing friends etc helped me work through this.

    It's tough to own it but it is definitely the right thing to do. As silly as it sounds it can be really helpful to get up in the morning, look into the mirror and say outloud to yourself I'm bisexual and that is great or that is fine. It can feel really weird and strange to start with but I definitely found it could help. When you have over time hidden something away subconsciously or consciously talking about it can seem really wrong and foreign so the more you can allow yourself to do that, the more ok it can feel. Also just allowing your mind to think gay or bisexual thoughts is great.
     
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  7. BrainTrain

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    I seem to be spiraling in my head again and feel incredibly trapped. I've been doing this for 2 years now so it happens automatically. I meditate, but that helps for the 10 minutes that I'm trying to be present. I'm also seeing a therapist once a week, but I still have the other 6 days to deal with.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to get out of your head and stop feeling trapped? This is an incredibly strange place that my mind feels like it's in. Almost like it has locked itself in a cage and refuses to come out. Maybe because there's a lot of pain that I need to process, and pain hurts.
     
  8. Thomas094

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    I am all over the board. I have been married almost 24 years. That being said I. Last three years I find my drive and fixation is on men. I love my wife but find not as much sexually as a friend. I find I need to connect more and more with men having similar issues as I have no clue how to address I have used alcohol, running etc to keep my mind busy but need more
    Recognize many issues to address




    m
     
  9. trojan

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    you are in the right place.
    No, you dont have to tell anyone. Just be in the closet. What would be the point in getting disowned by your father.
    Your problem is so familiar to almost everyone on this forum it is hardley worth explaining. we are all in the same boat.
    tHERE IS NOTHING ODD ABOUT finding this out at 30. You have probably been attracted to men way longer than this it just now surfaced.
    Anyway, welcome to this forum, and hopefully you will spend some time reading threads and find that you are not alone.
     
  10. silverhalo

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    What do you think it is that is trapping you the most?
     
  11. InbornGame

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    You're definitely not alone. I used to ruminate a lot. About a lot of different things...my career, stupid silly things that friends or coworkers said to me, my appearance, my sexuality, the time I felt I had "wasted" hiding in the closet. I meditated a lot, and I went to therapy, but I ultimately needed medication to make any lasting gains. I needed proper treatment for my depression and anxiety...something that would allow the over-intellectualizing perfectionist in my head to relax a little bit.

    This is messy...sexuality is messy. It's probably not going to be something that you can fit perfectly into your existing life narrative. In fact, your life narrative is probably going to have to change to accommodate your sexuality, and this is something that I think happens with time. The important thing for me to realize was that continuously thinking about the things I was getting caught up on and trying to make sense of them did not lead to insight. My sexuality was not a "problem" that I could think through, and it was only by letting go a little bit and simply accepting that things simply were the way that they were (and that it doesn't have to make sense and there don't have to be reasons) that the barriers started to disappear.
     
  12. Thomas094

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    I am right there as well
    lots of emotions to be sure!
     
  13. Danabutton

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    I can complete emphasize with your situation. I myself had some surpressed questions or doubts about myself but it all hit me like a ton of bricks when I was 37
     
  14. BrainTrain

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    Thank you so much for everyone's support. It's such a relief to know that I'm not alone on an island with this. It sounds like a lot of you are going through this as well.

    Treating my sexuality as a problem that needs to be "figured out." That coupled with my obsessive thinking turns my mind into something like a mouse trap that doesn't have an escape.

    Man, you sound like my twin. I've been ruminating about my sexuality, career, and other similar things for years now. I'm curious about the medication that you're on. Is there a point where you get to taper off from it in the future? How does it affect your mind/emotions?

    I think you made a really great point that continuously thinking about things does not lead to insights. My obsessive minds thinks that if it just pulls back enough layers from the sexuality onion eventually it will all make sense. How did you get to the place of simply accepting that things were the way they were?
     
  15. InbornGame

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    I take Zoloft, mainly for anxiety but also for depression. I've been taking it for just over three years now. Stopping it is definitely on the table -- my hope is that someday I'm not going to need it anymore. Sometimes I feel like it slows my mind down a little bit...like I'm not as mentally sharp as I was before I started taking it, but I feel like it also "softens" my mind (which probably makes me sound crazy). It allows me to be kinder to myself and to let go of things easier, with the net result being that I respond better to stress and ultimately wind up accomplishing more than I would without it.

    Honestly, it took falling apart, from a mental health standpoint, and finally having access to some quality professional help. I think that I had been fighting myself in my mind for so long, and I came to a point where my mind just couldn't tolerate any more dissonance. The dam finally broke when I moved away from my home town to start medical school -- it was a huge transition, and it pushed me over the edge. I was in a position where I had to get some real help or I was going to lose everything that I had worked so hard to achieve up to that point.

    So I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist (kudos to the receptionist who somehow managed to understand enough of what I was saying between sobs to actually make the appointment), and I told her everything (the psychiatrist, not the receptionist). I started taking the medication. After a few months I started feeling this calm, safe, content feeling that I hadn't felt in a very, very long time, and I began to realize that I had been experiencing a lot more anxiety and self-loathing than I had ever really imagined -- it was as if I couldn't tell that it was there until it had lifted.

    I think I also really benefitted from being, for the first time in my life, in an environment where it was safe and relatively acceptable to be gay. I had come out as gay to mom and a few close friends a couple of years prior, but I was living and working in a small, conservative town, and it was not a safe place to be exploring diversity in sexuality. So even though I had told some people, I remained very much in the closet and definitely still burdened with fear of disclosure and an insidiously hefty dose of internalized homophobia. I saw a therapist there during that time who was sympathetic and kind but otherwise not incredibly helpful. It wasn't until I moved to a more progressive place where I had access to better mental health care and where I could feel free to express myself more authentically that I began to actually be comfortable with who I am.
     
  16. Thomas094

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    These past few years have been difficult similar to yours but different as well. I am married with children and that has compounded my guilt in accepting my sexual identity. Over a year ago I stayed up and drinking and wound up calling a hotline which prompted police to my door.

    That led me to a psychologist, psychiatrist and meds to control my anxiety and depression etc. For a while the meds worked but I find I am more and more spinning in my head.

    Some of my questions include:

    Is it wrong for me to have one life but want another?

    Should I be open and honest with my wife and family and what will the end result be?

    Am I being selfish?

    And most importantly why is this happening to me and how do I stop it.

    I have to be honest – when I was in counseling I did not openly address sexuality – skirted it but never addressed it. I have found another psychologist who specializes in some of my issues so I hope that helps figure a way to calm my inner self and chart a course forward.

    I will say I want to be happy – just not sure what truly is going to give me that happiness and allow me to once again enjoy life because right now it is work to get through each day.

    I am right there with you - we will find our way - we have too!!!!
     
  17. Biguy45

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    I really feel for anyone going through this. I’m a closeted bisexual but it hasnt really caused any problems for me. I’m married, and my gay urges are no stronger than my hetero urges. I’m not acting on either. It’s become just another thing that I would like to do if I was single but feel no overwhelming compulsion to do. I hope that never changes, then I would be going through the same turmoil
     
  18. Thomas094

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    I wish I could be in your head versus mine. I think it is part of my OCD side and I am currently focused on the sexuality issue which is hard to deal with at times
     
  19. Biguy45

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    I admit when I first acknowledged my bisexuality it was a little overwhelming and confusing. I’ve since kind of settled down about it. The initial phase did cause me to cheat once on my wife with a man, but I’ve calmed down since then I still have the desires but they are not overwhelming. I still feel horrible about what I did, but I’m pretty confident it won’t happen again
     
  20. Thomas094

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    I cheated once with a man. I felt horrible but I think that is also why it is on my mind so much. My goal is to at this point is to come to terms with and decide what makes or will make the best person I can be and then align my sexuality and desires accordingly Really glad to know I am not alone and that I can talk openly about this with you all