What advise can you give me? I went back to the same gay bar this week, hoping for another good experience like last week. I started by talking with a guy who kept putting his hands on me, even when I told him I was uncomfortable with that. I tried starting conversations with a few guys, but they never went anywhere. I said "hi" to the guy who introduced me to the group last week and he hardly responded. I left feeling like it just wasn't my scene, wondering if I should ever go back. About the only time I can get to the gay bar is early evening, right after work. What am I doing wrong?
That sucks and I'm sorry it wasn't good this time, but I commend you on going. What you describe is how I imagine it would go for me too so I don't know how to fix it. I figure guys I'm not interested in would maybe approach me and the guys I like wouldn't notice me. I read that people suggest chatting with the bartender a few times to become a regular and maybe others will warm up to you. I hope that or something positive works for you.
Sevnbutton I chatted with a bartender for awhile a couple years back. Truth be told...we sorta had the hots for each other...he did make a pass at me. That's another story. But, he did tell me that a bar is sorta like a relationship. Sometimes things are really clicking and everyone is in sync and getting along and partying and somedays things are just weird. It is such a dynamic and changing environment and everyone is affected by each other's moods. The guy you talked to could just be having a rough day and the touchy feely guy having something going on in his life (not excusing the behavior). Even your own expectations can influence how someone reacts to you. I would go back again and give it another shot. Really, you have nothing to lose.
Thanks @mnguy -- talking with the bar tender is a good idea. They're at work and they have things to do, but part of their job is to help people to want to come back.
Thanks @Nickw , those are good insights. And now I realize that I wasn't tuning in to the vibe of the bar, but just trying to bring my vibe in. So it's not surprising that I left with a feeling of not fitting in. Part of the problem for me is that I'm doing this without telling my wife, but I am behaving myself and not doing anything but talking.
All of that sounds pretty normal. A lot of the experience depends on who happens to be there that night, and it's not the same every time you go.
Ok I’m not sure this will be helpful at all but I think expectations go a long way, so maybe managing expectations would help? I think I’d go into the bar scene just like any place where you want to meet guys to date, approach people with the expectation that at least you’ll have a good conversation, maybe make a friend, maybe meet a guy you think is hot who also thinks you are and then you’ll take that wherever you want to take it. When I went out to gay bars on my own the first time after coming out I had this vision in my head of meeting a hot girl and getting into a really hot make out session... but instead I sort of just ended up meeting people I enjoyed chatting with. I met a trans guy and his friends, he shared a lot with me about his journey, and then we partied all night together. I met a bi guy at another bar and we talked about our journeys coming out and he encouraged me to hit on girls. And then we became fb friends. And then I met a drag queen at another bar and we had a really entertaining conversation, he laughing at me in a friendly way for my poor skills in finding women. I ended up feeling really good, didn’t meet a girl, but I think if I’d had more time to go back to those same bars (this was in my hometown and I had to go back home), I would have maybe had the right mix of expectations and confidence and would have approached a woman I found interesting and hit it off... Again, not sure that’s helped much! When I go to bars now I get hit on sometimes and I think it’s because I’m in a really good mood and just enjoying being out with friends and putting out good energy. I don’t reciprocate with those women because I’ve got a partner...
Is there more than 1 gay bar around? I've been to a couple bars I didn't enjoy and found another one I did. Sometimes you start at 1 bar and catch a ride (taxi / Uber) to different one. In my 20's I used to be somewhat or a regular at gay bar called Hunters in the suburbs of Chicago. If the bar was boring I'd go play pool and have fun doing that plus I made some friends doing that as well. Normally with bar pool you play to keep the table. People will play for low $ or drinks. I had one guy that wanted to play for a BJ. I smiled but turned him down...
Gay bars are surprisingly sparse around here. The one I've been going to is about 35 miles away, and from an on-line search it looks like the next one is about 65 miles more.
HI Baristajedi - Yes, your post is helpful, thank you! I know what you mean, imagining the first visit to the gay bar leading to a passionate making-out! Me too. But what I'm really looking for is to connect with people the way you described. I've been going straight from work to the bar, so maybe I come off looking too straight? How do I start a conversation and pivot to, "What was it like for you to come out?" without it seeming weird?
I think it doesn’t really matter how you are dressed, it’s more about what you say and how you approach people. Those conversations I had started with making a step at being vulnerable... like the bi guy at the bar, shortly into the conversation I said something like I was really trying to meet women, I’m just coming out.... so he started sharing things with me. The drag queen, it was the same, i came in and noticed there were no girls except one lesbian couple, so I ordered a drink, turned to the person next to me and said I can’t find women, do yo guys know where the women are? And you can have personal conversations without jumping into coming out, it’s always seemed to me that when I offer something vulnerable,it’s usually returned. Do you also have meet ups and other social events around you for lgbtq people? That might be a way to make the kinds of connections you’re looking for.
