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Where can I actually meet gay people?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by RainydayTofu, Aug 20, 2018.

  1. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    I don't know any other gay people. Nor do my friends, or my family. Why? I live not far away from England's second largest city, so there *should* be plenty of people around, only I never seem to bump into them. I work at a warehouse in a small town where people are frequently saying homphobic things- so connections throuhg colleagues is out.

    I've been trying online dating and it's not going well. I've had two dates. First one just spent the whole date talking about work and his salary- a massive turn-off for me. The second won't stop texting me and wants to come round my house even though we've only met once.

    Anyone I match with just ghosts me after a bit and acts like they're just too important to be messaged by the likes of me (why 'super like' me on said app then?).

    So I wanna try meeting 'real life' gay men. How? Where? I know no-one. I don't really fit into the scene either (any of the many scenes for that matter...).

    I'm 24 and I've never dated- it's pathetic and I need to fix it!
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    You say you don't live far away from England's second largest city, so I wonder if you ever go into the city? A quick Google search brought up a number of results that you could explore, including volunteering and social events (other than clubbing).

    I live in one of England's more rural counties with a limited LGBT scene, so it was often necessary for me to drive or travel out of area to make connections and meet guys for dates. The city I think you are referring to has a large LGBT community, so it might be a good idea to look out of town.

    The app's can sometimes deliver results, but it's often more of a miss than a hit. Even so, I wonder if you are initiating contact through the app's or if you are waiting for guys to contact you? Sometimes if we're not getting the results we are hoping for it's worth looking again at our profile and the way we are going about things and try to broaden our horizons.
     
  3. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Okay, thanks for your reply. Just to try and 'clear my name' a bit here I'm aways the first to message so far on the dating app I've been using, which is fine by me. When they someone doesn't respond for a few days I do often shoot them a quick "Hi how are you?" as well.

    I did work I Birmingham for 3 years but hopefully as I have got across in my post, I'm absolutely clueless about 'how' to be gay, so things that seem obvious to other LGBT people don't always seem so to me lol

    Could you give me some pointers about what I should Google? Also do you think it matters if I'm not out to everyone? I don't really know very much about gay rights so maybe I wouldn't be a great volunteer! Lol I know I'm really letting the side down here! :slight_smile:

    Not trying to sound whiny here so please don't take it that way.

    Thanks again.
     
    #3 RainydayTofu, Aug 21, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2018
  4. PatrickUK

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    All I typed into Google was "Birmingham LGBT" and the first two results that came up were for a dedicated LGBT charity and LGBT Meetup group. The charity seems to have a page dedicated to community groups meeting at the LGBT centre and a link for volunteering your time too. Even if you are not really clued up on gay rights, there might be things you could do (and you can always learn on the job and meet like minded friends too). Looks like a good resource to me. I think it would be worth making contact with them to see what's on offer in Brum.
    :slight_smile:
     
  5. DRobs

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    You could always try clubbing.

    Google "Birmingham Gay Bars."
     
  6. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Oh sorry I should have said, clubs really really aren't my thing. It's a good suggestion though and probably why I don't know any other gays XD
     
  7. DRobs

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    Try a couple, you might like it. I find most people that sit at the bar are usually friendly and open to conversation.

    Take an Uber.
     
  8. OGS

    OGS
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    I will second this if you haven't tried it with gay bars or clubs. Before coming out I despised bars and clubs. But I found that I really enjoyed gay bars and clubs.
     
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  9. smurf

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    Honestly, I would just start here.

    You are being weirder out by someone trying to be too friendly and then complain about the other people that are not friendly enough.

    Have you met the guy you are texting in person? Perhaps go out to coffee with them. "Would love to meet you, but not at my house just yet. Want to get together for coffee?" Then if you guys click either as friends or dates you can take it from there, but right now you are shutting people down for simply having less anxiety than you about meeting people.

    Thing to keep in mind is that everyone started just as confused and scared as you. We all started form not having any gay friends and sometimes not even knowing other gay people period. Its only through trial that we all learn what we like and how to find the people with our same interests.
     
  10. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Sorry but he got very angry when I said I'd definitely prefer to go for coffee- he stopped speaking to me for 2 days and now we have both decoded to call it quits. I'm taking a break from online dating. I met him on person and he was quite different from online. Glad to see it's all my fault as usual :frowning2:

    Not trying to be bitchy I just have no clue and don't fit in!!!

     
  11. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    OK apologies please ignore my post. I'm just feeling confused and angry with everyone. Everyone gay at least lol.

    Sorry


     
  12. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    OK, I know this is probably a separate thread but I've got a few (OK a lot...) of questions about gay bars/clubs.

    Honestly, clubs are out. I go to normal bars and pubs with my straight friends a lot so I like them but I just am not am club person haha

    1.) Do people go alone to these places?
    2.) How much of an issue are drugs. Sorry to be fun wrecker but I'm really anti-drugs lol
    3.) Are there all sorts of people there? Whenever I see pictures of Pride or gay venues everyone is either your typical twin or a bear- I'm neither!!!
    4.) I'm not comfortable with drag yet (don't have anything against it just dot 'get' it yet) -does drag feature prominently in these kinda places?

    Sorry to ask so many questions- I am genuinely clueless about anything gay.

     
  13. OGS

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    Frankly, if you're this nervous about it, I agree that clubs should be out--that's several steps down the line if it happens at all.

    1) People do. I went to my first gay bar alone and actually met people I'm still friends with 25 years later. You should know that while it's perfectly normal to go alone, it's not the norm--people won't think it's odd, but most people will be there with friends.

    2) I've been to a lot of gay bars and clubs over the years--in my twenties I ran with a very active group of about twenty guys and we were out seriously five, six nights a week. In all that time (twenty-five years) I have been offered drugs once, in a club. I declined and he moved on. It happens, especially in the clubs, but in my experience it won't effect you unless you are looking to participate. I didn't even drink for my first year in gay bars--Coke and Sprite.

    3) Absolutely. In places big enough to have a bunch of bars they be more niche. In a big enough city you can probably find a bar that's mostly twinks or mostly bears, but most bars are going to be a pretty broad cross-section. Many of them you'd have to have pretty developed gaydar to even tell that most people are gay. My husband and I were in a gay sports bar once when a group of straight guys came in. My husband and I have pretty amazing gaydar and noted that none of them were gay so we sort of watched to see what would happen. They were well into their second round, about 27 minutes in, when they realized it was a gay bar.

    4) Unless you go to a drag night or drag show it's not really a thing. I mean there might be a drag queen or two there--generally not in my experience--but generally just kind of there to drink and listen to the music like everyone else. If it's not your thing there will be plenty of other people to interact with.
     
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  14. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Thanks for this. Did you go alone when our first went to a gay venue then?

    You must think I'm really pathetic asking so many questions but in real life I'm actually a very outgoing person who loves chatting and meeting others, going to new places... just not when it involves gay men!

    They scare the sh*t out of me for some reason! Even though I like the way I look, they're always more handsome, highly educated, into culture and politics and so unapproachable! Obviously a generalisation but...
     
  15. DRobs

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    I can only speak to my experience going to gay bars / clubs in Florida, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Iowa. Sadly I haven't been to any in Missouri.

    Chicago Illinois has a neighborhood called Boystown which is a couple city blocks of Gay businesses, Gay Restaurants, and Gay Bars (Pubs) / Clubs.

    Each venue normally has a calendar of events for the week. Dancing is usually done at night though in the large clubs happens during the day / holidays. Some bars are just sit down at the bar and have a drink - pub type atmosphere. Some might or might not have a dance floor, multiple levels, etc. Chicago has leather bars and cowboy bars with line dancing.

    There's a leather bar that requires you to check your clothing to enter the dance floor (underwear is required) combat boots are optional - running shoes are forbidden. Some bars will have stripper night with guys wearing G-Strings dancing for $$. It's polite to put a couple $ in their G-String.

    Regarding Drag, usually that's a 1 night a week type of event at most gay bars unless it's a drag themed bar. I find most suburban & rural gay bars will have a Drag Show with singers / dancers usually on a week night. Chicago has a nightclub that does a profession drag show.

    When I was in my 20's and single, I'd go hit the big known bars in Chicago on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon by myself. Most have people there of all ages but it's not a crazy dance club night atmosphere. I'll sit at the bar and chat with anyone.

    I vacationed to Ft. Lauderdale Florida one time and had blast. Found a gay bar that was on the inter-coastal water way that had a yacht type party boat trip. Made some friends and had a really good time.

    Most likely your large city has multiple types of Gay Clubs and Bars. If you are looking to meet people for conversation a day time visit would probably be best. If looking to dance and let your hair down try going at night and hitting a dance club. I'd recommend you try a couple different places or make it a goal to visit each gay bar at least once.

    Regarding drugs - probably find that at dance clubs in the evening more than Gay pub in the afternoon after work.
    Ecstasy was big at dance clubs when I was younger. I don't use drugs as all of my jobs test for them. I also wouldn't wont date a pot head / user.
     
  16. DRobs

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    Here's a kind of funny story for you guys. My partner and I would spend a Saturday &/or Sunday afternoon at Illinois State Beach in northern Illinois (Lake Michigan). The beach is empty that far north with no lifeguards and very few people. You can find a spot and have the whole place to yourself. We'd spend the day walking and looking for sea glass and pretty rocks + wading & swimming in the lake or laying in the sun reading a book.

    We'd go to the beach with the full getup - towels, umbrella's, etc. One Sunday after being at the beach we followed Lake Michigan down to Boystown around 5pm and visited the bar Sidetracks. Went up rooftop bar and ordered drinks. I was wearing scruffy clothing.

    The bartender gave me a once over look and asked:

    "Where you from?"

    I was like "Wood Dale out by Schaumburg." (suburbs)

    Then I looked down at my raggedy clothing - cutoff khakis, and notice my Pocket T-Shirt and realized he thought I was from out in the sticks or from another state!!!

    Every time I wear a Pocket T, my partner jokes me about that.

    I think Pocket T's are still out of style.
     
    #16 DRobs, Aug 23, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2018
  17. DRobs

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    Regarding being intimidated by what you consider to be more attractive people. Don't be.
    You'll meet all kinds of gay people in a club. Some will be conceited good looking cocky fkrs, some will be good looking shy types, some will be just like you. Some won't be your type at all but will hit on you.

    Learn to politely but firmly reject someone you are not interested in.
     
  18. Filip

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    I'll leave the "meeting gay people" to others who are actually familiar with gay life in the UK (or, indeed, anywhere).

    But... I do want to stress that asking about this is really not pathetic. No matter how outgoing you are normally, there's no denying that this is something you're not (yet) used to.
    And it's only natural to build it up a bit. These are supposed to be "your tibe", so it's human nature to want to fit in. Preferably by impressing them.

    I can guarantee you that everyone here has been there at some point. Or still is. Or sometimes still flips back and forth between confidence and doubt. As have all of the gays in your general vicinity.
    Also, don't build it up too much. There's no "all-gay" monthly meeting. Whichever bar or group you go to is just a small section of whoever is out there.
    So even if, in the worst case, it's a boring night out and you don't talk to anyone... that's just one night. You can go home and reflect on what you learned (if you wish you can even share it here for analysis) and plan to make the next attempt better!

    But above all, never feel pathetic. Everyone has to start somewhere!
     
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