Not sure anymore what to do

Yup and we’ve always been very much aware and caring towards each other’s needs. I’m not sure where I stated I had no concern for my partner’s needs. You’ve made a presumption, and a pretty massively wrong one at that.

Is it not ok to have emotional responses and needs as well if you are supporting someone dealing with huge emotional crisis? Or is only ok to only support that person with no regard for self st all? And how are people in my position supposed to cope if we not even once acknowledge our own needs? I can’t only support someone and not care for the things I feel great need for myself.

It’s a good thing my partner thinks my needs are important... she knows I rarely talk about my needs but she still tries to understand tgem. She also thinks I’m incredibly supportive, and sees that I’ve supported her through everything no matter how difficult.

 

She does understand, she knows from all the things we’ve experienced and all of our conversations how massive it has been for me finally being myself. And we’ve talked a bit about my sexual feelings now, and she completely understands everything, although I don’t talk about everything as strongly as I feel it, because I am worried about hurting her,.... there’s a lot I just don’t know how to bring up.

And also her experience has felt different to her than mine...she feels more sexually fluid, like she’s evolved to feel this strong need to be with a woman whereas I have denied my sexuality my whole life, and I’ve always been very much gay.

 

She has actually said similar things to me, that she feels more ok when she’s looking after me.

But of course that’s not always the place she’s in,sometimes she really needs strand comfort or space.

I am more than happy to care for her in every way she needs. I just have this really big conflicting sense of self that is hanging there... I’ve changed my life to acknowledge my sexuality, and now I just don’t know if this is ever possible for me with her again. I hate the person that makes me seem to be (an uncaring parter) but I also know it’s not possible to go through life ignoring my needs. I’ve already made massive changes in response to that.

 

I made a thread about this but I’m posting it here too...

Something I just thinking about since making this thread; I've been afraid for the past 10 months to acknowledge that I have feelings, that I’m hurt and sad and scared and that everything feels exhausting, stressful and difficult since my partner’s ex has passed away. I’ve been afraid to express it partially because I want to be the one strong thing in my partner’s life to keep her going. I’m afraid to say it because I don’t want to be selfish. I’m afraid to say it because it makes me feel guilty. And I’m afraid to be told my feelings aren’t valid.


So I made this post, and I’m being told by a couple of people (@Morse Code and @Linning) that my feelings aren’t valid. I welcome whatever response anyone wants to make to my posts, but it just reinforces my sense that that’s what I’m expected to do, that I’m not supposed to have feelings in this situation.


When I cried at my partner’s ex’s funeral I knew everyone was looking at me, thinking why is she crying? My heart is broken for her kids and for my partner. And I’m f*ing angry, that he abandoned them, yes I know I’m not supposed to feel that either.


I’m not in an easy position but I swallow my feelings *all the time*. No one understands how much pain I’m in as well, because she’s the one who’s supposed to be in pain, and also - I know that my partner’s dealing with something so massive, so I keep my pain to myself.


Things that we are deciding together as a couple scare the hell out of me sometimes. I’ve done so many things I instinctually feel aren’t really that great for me in our decisions together. Sometimes the things my partner needs make me worry for my daughters feelings, I work really really hard to balance my daughters wellbeing with my partner’s sons’ wellbeing, with my partner’s wellbeing. And if I’m lucky, I leave a little bit of room to think about myself. I have given up so much, decisions about where we’ll live, the way we all do things as a family, things I’d rather wait to do later or want to do sooner...because I want my partner to get comfort and security that she so badly needs right now.


In the meantime I feel extraordinary sadness about his passing, I’m well aware that my partner feels so much more of that sadness, but I also feel worry about my future and my daughter’s future because some of our decisions have left me teetering on a very wobbly spot where I am fairly certain it will work out for us but there’s a bit of a risk. Why am I doing all of this and not taking time to care for me all that much? Because I so very much want my partner to be ok.


But it’s exhausting and stressful, and it’s f*ing heartbreaking too, heartbreaking feeling like my partner may not love me the way she used to, and yes heartbreaking that our sex life has suffered and she isn’t wanting intimacy anymore.


I’m sad and exhausted and scared. My partner has broken up with me 6 times in her past 10 months because she struggles with being a stepmom to my daughter. But then we talk and her panic goes away and I promise it will all be calm and ok and we’ll make changes that will make things easier, and then I work my ass off to keep that promise. ...and then she panics again...


I am so exhausted and I’m working so hard. And I have started cracking and finally taking about me a little bit.


When I brought up my sexuality to my partner I was in tears. When I told her I was struggling with what was happening to us, I said I hate that I’m burdening you with my feelings, I’m so sorry, but I am feeling this because I’ve only come out so recently coufo and this is a massive part of myersand I just don’t know what to do anymore.


Like I said I do invite the responses whatever they are to my posts, but those really struck me in a particular way. I don’t know the point in saying all of this, I suppose I’m just letting out some feelings.