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You decide - Gay, Bisexual, or forever doomed to be confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Destin, Aug 18, 2018.

?

Do you think I'm gay or bisexual?

  1. Gay

    42.1%
  2. Bisexual

    42.1%
  3. Flip a coin dude

    15.8%
  1. Destin

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    This came up in another thread and it's been confusing me for the last year. Some people tell me I'm gay, and others tell me I'm a homoromantic bisexual which might not even exist according to some posters here.

    It would be nice to know what others think. I'll just list the key bullet points so this doesn't get super long.

    - Had 7 girlfriends but never loved any of them really, saw them more as friends than romantic partners.

    - Currently have a boyfriend I love very deeply and it's almost been a year together.

    - Enjoy and want sex with both girls and guys, but the attraction to girls significantly decreased after finding the attraction to guys.

    - Feel no emotional attraction to girls, and a lot of emotional attraction to guys.

    - Connect on a much deeper level with guys both as friends and romantically. Friendships with girls are very shallow and superficial.

    What am I citizens of the internet?
     
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  2. Chierro

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    You're whatever you want to be, dude. No one demands a label.

    Sexuality exists as a spectrum. Physically, your body is able to respond to stimuli allowing you to have sex successfully with men and women. Emotionally, your mind responds primarily to guys and not girls.

    Things are never as clean cut as definitely gay or definitely bi or even definitely straight.
     
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  3. BothWaysSecret

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    I'm sort of like you, but opposite. I'd fall under the "heteroromantic bisexual" label if we knew for certain it existed, which some claim it doesn't, but I don't know. And even then, people would argue that it could be bisexual with a preference, heteroflexible, "experimenting", etc.

    Although my attraction falls more on the straight side of the spectrum, I still use bisexual as a general label when telling others (and heteroromantic bisexual as a clearer label for myself) because I know I'm still attracted to both (albeit in different ways), and it wouldn't feel right to me to deny part of myself by just calling myself "straight".

    Basically use whatever label feels right to you. Even if you have attraction for both, but you feel more comfortable calling yourself gay because more of your attraction is geared towards dudes then go for it. If I had to label it, I'd say you were bi, but again, it's not my decision and is ultimately your choice as to what you feel the most comfortable describing yourself as.
     
    #3 BothWaysSecret, Aug 18, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2018
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  4. PennyT

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    Personally, I have had a lot of people tell me what I am - with different diagnoses - and I still haven't figured it. But that's okay. At the end of the day, only you can figure out what you are. And you don't have to figure it out. At the end of the day, you like who you like in whatever way(s) you like them, and you don't like who you don't like. Also, if anyone tells you that a sexual orientation - especially one you might identify with - doesn't exist, ignore them. Sexual orientations are like aliens. You can't prove which ones do not exist.
     
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  5. Chip

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    Everything you're indicating points to gay. (And no, you're not heteroromantic/homosexual, because there's zero evidence to support a separation between romantic and sexual orientation.) You may have an extremely high sex drive, or sex could be a means of dealing with feelings (numbing, in a way) which is why you feel some desire for women as well as men... but without the desire to be with them, it would seem to point to more of a sexual drive issue than an orientation issue.
     
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  6. Destin

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    It's pretty likely that it's a way of dealing with feelings and numbing things like you said - I've always automatically bottled up feelings for most of my life, it's just what I was raised to do to not let emotion interfere with things. Sexual situations have always been when I feel the most emotion no matter who it's with, and it helps release some of the stress and other stuff that gets repressed. The high sex drive is pretty true too, I don't really understand when people say they're 'not in the mood' or whatever, there's no such thing as not in the mood for me.
     
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  7. Biguyjosh

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    I said bi b/c the part that clinched it, imho, is that you "enjoy and want sex with girls ....."
    I've read here and other places about straight guys having sex or wanting sex with guys and all the comments said he's bi or gay (no straight guy wants sex with a guy). So I'd think no gay guy voluntarily wants or desires sex with girls.
    But labels are hard b/c a lot of times they don't fit or accurately describe ones self.
    Maybe you're gay flexible? lets make a new label. Lol
     
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  8. TheJack

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    Bisexual, but more on the gay side.
     
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  9. Nickw

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    I agree with Chierro. I don't think there is a reason for you to label it.

    What I find interesting is that if you were a man who felt the opposite as you do. Attracted more to females but also liked occasional sex with men or were attracted to men you wouldn't be classified as "straight". It seems like a double standard that is exercised here. Sexual orientation is a spectrum. Why worry if you are not on one end or the other? Enjoy that you can feel lots of different things for lots of different people.
     
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  10. Love4Ever

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    I voted bi. If you are sexually attracted to both, as I mentioned in another post, that is enough to qualify you as bi. And for all the people who don't hold to separate romantic identities, we will have to agree to disagree, but even if you don't feel there is a legitimate separation you can acknowledge I am sure that there is definitely such a thing as having a preference. Bi doesn't mean 50/50 so how that splits up can be up to the individual. Whether you are attracted sexually to one sex and another romantically or vice versa, or one sexually and not romantically or vice versa or if you have varying levels of feelings for either in different way, levels, or intensities, at the end f the day you're still bi imho, because you are capable of having these feelings. You are capable of having them for both sexes. That's really all there is to it.
    (Also, I think I should mention that even though in another post, and possibly more than one, I mentioned you can be called bi if you are sexually attracted to both, I also should have clarified that being romantically attracted to both also counts of course. Some people don't experience sexual attraction, or it is not as crucial a part of their identity, and so anyone who feels this way of course is completely valid in identifying as bi as well. It's not all about sex at all and I didn't mean to imply that at all in any way.)
     
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  11. Love4Ever

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    I 100% agree with this. You really don't have to label. If you want one, bi fits best to me, but it's not necessary to use a label. You should just date who you want to date and call it a day. And yeah, there is a double standard and unfortunately it seems to hit men the hardest in this department.
     
  12. Love4Ever

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    Lol yeah some people identify as homoflexible, or alternately heteroflexible. But essentially both of these I think are pretty much the same almost as being bi with a preference one way or another.
     
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  13. Love4Ever

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    Sigh. I really don't want to do this but, I just have to say something and then leave it at that. Because I just have to say something. Nothing here the op has said implies to me his attraction is not real, or that he doesn't actually like having sex with women. The op has said he enjoys it, but as usual someone always seems to come along in these cases and assume they know more than the op. And having a high sex drive doesn't have anything to do with this. Saying someone is gay and just enjoys sex with women that they VOLUNTARILY seek out because they have a high sex drive is s as absurd as saying ALL bisexuals must have a high sex drive and want to have sex with everyone in sight. Broad generalizations cannot and should not be made.
     
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  14. Chip

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    ... you're going to do it anyway.

    Well, you and I come to a different viewpoint based on our different sets of experience and training, I suppose.

    Very often, when one is trying to work with people who don't feel like they understand themselves, one has to look at potential deeper meanings and underlying issues. A lot of people miss this (including a lot of therapists) which is why there are a lot of miserable people.
    I don't know if you're familiar with all of the other posts Destin has made, and the complexity of his experiences, but I suspect if you did have familiarity, and if you had the appropriate training, you might actually understand the perspective being presented here. But if you don't and aren't... well... to paraphrase, "someone always has to come along and assume they understand the full picture when they're simply responding to one post, and assume they know more than others who might understand the full picture more clearly."

    Cite your sources or other factual information to verify this claim, please.

    Again, if you fully understood sexual dysfunctions and the way they manifest, as well as the complexity of the totality of the OP's experiences and situations as he's desribed them over the months on EC, you would probably have a different perspective. So you might want to be a little more circumspect before you start attacking people for offering up interpretations that are factually based in the totality of the OP's described experiences.

    And from an earlier post in the same thread:
    Given that there's no credible evidence for separation between romantic and sexual orientations, talking about romantic attraction is utterly irrelevant and simply confuses the issue.
     
    #14 Chip, Aug 20, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2018
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  15. PatrickUK

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    I think Chip makes an important point about looking at this question from a deeper perspective. It would be easy to say you are bisexual with a definite preference for men on the basis of this thread alone, but I think that would miss some fundamental points about the complexity of your personal situation, many of which have not been touched upon here or on the wider forum.

    On the basis of everything I have read and know about you Destin (and I haven't read and certainly don't know it all) I would be more inclined to suggest you are gay. I think it would seriously muddy the waters and add more complexity to your life to latch on to the idea that you are "homoromantic". Sadly, people make the separation in order to gain more clarity, but often add more confusion in doing so. Even more sad is when they propose the same ideas to other people and generate further confusion.

    Ultimately, you, and only you can decide how to label yourself, but my opinion is that you are gay. There are specific issues that you must consider about your sexual desires and needs and how all of that relates to other aspects of your life, but I'm not going to raise any of that here.
     
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  16. Love4Ever

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    How is he gay though if he is attracted to women? To say a gay man is able to be attracted to women negates the entire meaning of the word gay as many people use it. So many people use these labels as a way of separating themselves, as representing themselves as 100% one way, (that this is even humanly possible I very much doubt, but people believe what they will), so that to say that it DOESN'T actually mean what a lot of people say it means, (exclusive attraction to the same sex), is to alter the meaning of the entire word. That I agree with this, does not make it any less confusing for people looking for help on where their attractions lie. In other words, if gay can mean or embody any measure of attraction to a sex that is the opposite of one's own, then what does gay actually mean then? Not exclusive attraction to the same sex then, because the above existence of a contrary attraction refutes that. So then what are we left with? An attraction that is predominantly towards the same sex? That sounds a lot like a really complicated roundabout way of just saying someone is bi with a gender preference. Which is a far easier and less complicated concept to grasp. And for all the talk here saying that separating romantic attraction vs sexual attraction is an unnecessary dissection or confusing, it sure is less confusing then trying to explain to someone how a gay man is also into women.
     
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  17. smurf

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    This whole discussion about whether is just horny or actually bi is pointless.

    Finding a label that fits you perfectly according to some sort of science is pointless. Its not going to help you feel better about any of it.

    From your post it doesn't seem like you are confused at all. You know exactly what you like and how you like it.

    You know you enjoy sex with women (for whatever reason, truly doesn't matter why you like sex with women) and you enjoy sex with guys and apparently enjoy the hell out of dating a guy. That is it. That is you and it doesn't sound confusing at all.

    The only way labels are useful is because they help you summarize your human experience to other people. For me, I love having sex with guys, love dating them, but I also really enjoy having sexc with friends who are girls. It happens maybe once a year? I have no fucking clue why I enjoy it, but all I know is that I enjoy it and that is fine by me. I have also had multiple girlfriends and enjoyed my time with them, but it doesn't come as naturally as with guys.

    Some will say that is gay, some bi, but the only thing that matters is what I define it as.

    I usually go with gay because that is all people need to know in order for me to just go through life. If you are a good friend you will know just the exact amount that I like people, but if I meet you for the first time all you need to know is that I'm gay and that will cover it for now.

    I would say to just be okay with the uncertainty of human sexuality. We might never completely understand it, but don't rely on certainity of a label to make you happy. Be okay with the uncertainty of it all.
     
  18. Jax12

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    I used to be obsessed with labels for a while. I couldn’t figure out if I was gay or bisexual.

    However, when I look back, the majority of the time I would masturbate to guys (regardless of the presence of porn or not). I thought I liked girls, but I’ve determined that over the years, I have developed feelings for girls the same (or similar) as for guys, and I only get turned on by guys. In addition, I’ve only had feelings for guys.

    Seems very gay to me.

    As for OP, you don’t have the label it right now if you don’t want to. The reality imo is that whether you’re gay or bisexual, it doesn’t change your attractions. The important thing here to believe is to accept yourself as who you are regardless of the label, because at the end of the day it doesn’t change anything. You still like what you like.

    Cheers!
     
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  19. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    i have to agree with @smurf here. labels communicate something to the outside, and while that is generally pretty strict in what it means, the exact definition depends on what you yourself give to it. for some people, using the label gay means they’re 100% exclusively attracted to their own gender, while for others it means there might be a tiny bit of interest in other gender(s) but it’s not relevant enough for their experience to communicate about it to others. for both, the outside communication is the same: “i’m interested in being with people romantically and/or sexually who are the same gender as i am”. bisexuality can vary as well, from people who experience 50/50 attraction to people who have a 99.99/00.01 attraction but still consider that 00.01 relevant to who they are and something they want to express to others. labels are not to police who we or others are; they are to tell others what we define ourselves by.

    that does mean there’s is some overlap between how people define their labels, and that’s OK. in my opinion there’s no need to fight over that - let people call themselves what they want because ultimately it’s up to them to express the way they feel to the outside in a way that works for them
    i know that doesn’t necessarily answer your question, destin, but i generally feel like time and life experiences will lead you to a label that best suits you, if you wish to embrace one at all. it’s a matter of figuring out not every single detail of who you are (that’s incredibly difficult especially when doubts come in - “was i truly attracted to X?” or “what if i just haven’t met the right person of this gender yet?”) but more so, of how you wish to define yourself. how your sexuality matters to you. and it’s ok to wallow in a grey zone for a while - or even to stay there for a long, long time! it doesn’t make your experience any less valid or real.