1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The unhappy story of my sexuality.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Roscoe S, Aug 20, 2018.

  1. Roscoe S

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2018
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Chicagoland Area, Illinois
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey, EC Community. Roscoe here.

    I'm 16. I'm going to tell you the story of how my sexuality developed over the course of the past 8 years, and how it caused me huge problems. This post is kind of awkwardly written, and I apologize. I never get to talk about these things. I came here because professional therapy is not an option, and neither is counseling.

    In third grade, I went to an unimpressive public school in the city. Being an over-achiever, the underfunded school couldn't really offer much. Every day was the same boring crap... Until a certain boy walked into the classroom in the middle of the year. (I'll call him David.) He was new to the area, and this was his first day at our school. David was placed at our table group, and the second I laid eyes on him, some gears inside me started turning for the first time. He was a humble-looking boy, a softie. I didn't understand what I was feeling at first, but realized over time that it was love.

    "Shit." I thought, after completing some Google searches. "I'm gay."

    Some time later, a rumor surfaced that I said I wanted to marry David. I do not know whether or not I actually said that to him. Either way, I vehemently denied the rumors during the daily recess meetings under the playset. I knew that loving boys was wrong. A man can only marry a woman; that's just the way things are. I ignored my feelings for the rest of the year.

    Fourth grade brought some troubling developments to this issue. I began to feel sexual attraction to other boys now. I sat next to another cutie in fourth grade. (I'll call him Victor.) It didn't take long for me to begin having fantasies of Victor and I making out and doing other questionable things. Of course, I knew I couldn't act upon these fantasies. I managed to make it out without any slip-ups.

    I moved to a suburb in the middle of fifth grade. Having to leave all my friends behind was a tough ordeal, but I knew it was for the best. The schools in the suburb would be much better, and my education would improve. I made my first new friend on the first day. He's still my best friend to this day. He told me recently that there were rumors that I crushed on several girls in class. I laughed and denied, knowing internally that it was the boys I was crushing on. I did have a girlfriend at the time that I met at church. (Religion was forced on me by my grandparents. I never had much faith in it.) A few close calls and slip-ups occured in fifth grade, but nothing serious. I resorted to watching videos of guys on my iPod late at night. It got me through the rest of the year.

    Sixth grade was the turning point. Family tensions were growing overseas. (My parents are European immigrants that came to the United States a year before I was born. They worked extremely hard to get us where we are today. This will play a key factor in my internal struggles later.) Stress was running rampant in our home, and my grades were slipping. My father began to yell at me even more, and the stressful atmosphere made me begin to think negatively about myself. I began to realize just how problematic my sexuality really was, knowing my family. I entered a state of very deep depression, and almost made some bad decisions. I began to wish that I was normal and like every other boy. I hated myself. I decided that I need to talk about this with someone, so I consulted a friend. I should have known better; she was a snake that began to blackmail me. Things got 10x harder when she did this, as I was trying to keep this on the down-low. An already unstable preteen doesn't need this kind of trouble. I suffered, but made it somehow.
    I had different girlfriend at this time, but that didn't stop me from having my first "gay encounter". Another good friend of mine (I'll call him Paul) invited me to a birthday sleepover. After the
    party, we headed to his room to hang out and get ready for bed. During a conversation, he asked me an unexpected question.
    "Are you gay/bisexual?"
    I was stunned. I didn't really know what to say! I never really thought about Paul in that way, and was afraid to answer. Eventually though, I told him that I was bisexual. He said that he was gay, and had a crush on me for a while. We decided to experiment with a "relationship". Nobody had to know. We snuggled together in his bed and watched YouTube videos... I knew for a fact that this was what I wanted. No girl had ever made me feel how Paul made me feel in that moment. He said that I was blushing... I never blush. This was serious.

    This interaction only left me more conflicted. I cheated on my girlfriend, technically. (She broke up with me in 8th grade, and never told me why. We ended on a very sour note.) My feelings for boys only got stronger, and I didn't know how to hide it. I couldn't let anybody else know. If my parents caught whim of this... *shudder* Let's not think about that for now. I made it through the year.

    In seventh grade, I became more open about my sexuality. I began to tell more of my friends thst I was bisexual. (I was still questioning at the time, but stuck with the identity of bi.) I even decided to tell my mother. She was not happy. She wasn't exactly angry, but was disappointed and conflicted. She immediately told me not to tell my father, because he would not accept this at all. Furthermore, she told me not to tell any of my friends. I didn't know if I felt better or worse telling her.
    One day, she asked me if anything happened between Paul and I at the sleepover. I swore that nothing happened. The things you do for family... (Paul and I broke up in seventh grade, but continued to be friends. We are still close to this day.) Feelings got stronger. A teenage boy, and a Scorpio. Yeah, good luck repressing sexuality with this setup.

    Eighth grade wasn't memorable. The summer following it was. I joined an LGBT teen social media/dating site called Distinc.tt. I met a guy on there that was about my age, and lived in Canada. (I'll call him Harley.) He was such a sweetheart! A kind soul. After a few months, Harley and I started dating online. This was a first for both of us; online dating. It eventually fell apart a month later, but he did make me happy. Anything to escape the guilt, really. My depression was getting worse, but I was living in denial. I thought that maybe I would just wait until high school to come out.

    My mother continued to follow up on me to see if I became straight. Nope. I continued to repress myself throughout freshman year of highschool, and my mental health continued to take a nosedive. I realized that subconsciously, I was actually pushing myself away from my father ever since my mother told me that he wouldn't accept me. I felt that it wasn't worth bonding with him if he wasn't going to accept me. Apparently, he had been telling her to "be careful" because she's raising me gay. He also refused to go to a local pride parade. (My mother asked him, not me. It was a hard no.)

    I want to clear something up. My father is NOT a bad man at all. He has made many sacrifices for our family and always puts us first. I admire him very much... But this causes problems.

    Sophomore year. My mother and I get real. If I come out, my father will divorce her. The extended family will find out, and judge all of us. My grandmother would die of stress. Religion is the most important thing to her, and this would destroy her. My mother cannot provide for me alone. She needs him around. "Wait until Grandma dies to come out... Out of respect for her. Wait until you graduate college, Roscoe. Wait until you no longer need us."

    ...I have never felt this amount of guilt in my life.

    I entered another online relationship with a good friend of mine from California. She is very accepting of everyone, and we tell each other everything. However, I decided to break up with her after a year and a half because I knew I wouldn't be able to make her happy the way a man should. I can't satisfy a woman, and she can't satisfy me. We are still good friends.
    All I want is to have a wife, and maybe kids one day, I feel cursed by my sexuality. I am actually quite scared of other guys my age. Their hypermasculinity terrifies me. I'm a more sensitive guy, one that you can have a calm talk with over a cup of coffee. I don't want to like guys. I just want to make everyone else happy and be straight. I want everything to be okay. I wouldn't make it otherwise.

    Yet... being gay forced me to become a very accepting person. My friends and I are close because of how sensitive I am, always looking after them and supporting them. My sexuality taught me a lot, and shaped me as a person. I just don't know what to do or where to go.

    "Wait until you no longer need us." are words that tear through my already broken heart. I hide my true self to make my family happy. They want the best for me... But this isn't it. It feels wrong to keep lying every day. I'm better at lying than telling the truth now. (If you think that this post was awkwardly written, it's because I am very bad at saying how I truly feel. It's something I'm trying to work on.)

    So. What do you think I should do? Should I follow my mother's advice and try to wait? I don't think I can make it that long, but it may be my only shot...

    I don't even know what other questions to ask. If you have any tips, they will be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot. :slight_smile:
     
    DRobs likes this.
  2. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I read most of what you wrote (it was a bit of a novel :slight_smile:) but I really wanted to respond to the above quote from your post.

    Let's be clear about a few things - if your father divorces your mother it will be his choice. He'll initiate divorce proceedings because he wants to and if he uses your sexuality as grounds for divorce it will definitely make him a bad man. People do not divorce over a child's sexuality unless there is something seriously wrong with their mental wiring. I have honestly never heard anything so absurd in my whole life and I really doubt any of it is true.

    Your grandmother will not die of stress if you come out. She might die as a result of ill health (maybe related to age) or accident, but not because you come out. Again, this is a totally ridiculous claim that has no basis in reality. Even if she's more religious than the Pope, your decision to come out will not be the end of her.

    None of this is "getting real" Roscoe. It's totally unreal.

    You must come out when you want to and need to. If your safety and security might be at risk (and you have no other options) it might be a good idea to wait it out, if you can, because nothing trumps your safety and security, but the reasons presented by your mother are lame excuses, without any reasonable foundation. Don't allow yourself to become a victim of manipulation.
     
    Destin and Roscoe S like this.
  3. Roscoe S

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2018
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Chicagoland Area, Illinois
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for your input. I let the things she says get to me, and a fresh set of eyes is very useful. :slight_smile:
     
  4. DRobs

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2018
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    All families are screwed up.

    I think it's pretty common for Mom's to tell their gay sons to keep it a secret. Maybe it's a coping measure or stage of grief for parents trying to adapt / accept having gay children.

    I've heard of others having that exact same experience / conversation with Mom. However, don't let that BS Mom told you prevent you from living / enjoying your life. Don't let Mom's paranoia make you paranoid.

    A part of getting older is learning your parents have flaws. However, don't let their flaws effect your happiness, self-esteem, and self-confidence. There's an old Saturday Night live skit that has a mantra that goes:

    "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnnit people like me."

    Basically you have to accept / love yourself. People and close loved ones will fail you, but don't base your emotions off of their failings.


    Lastly, as Patrick said, if telling Dad and Grandma is going to see your kicked out of the house, hold off for another 2 years till you are out on your own (college, military, etc.). You can be out without being out to them, right now.
     
    #4 DRobs, Aug 21, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2018
  5. Roscoe S

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2018
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Chicagoland Area, Illinois
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'll try my best. Thank you very much. :slight_smile:
     
  6. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,173
    Likes Received:
    2,347
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Roscoe S.....I have to agree with everything that has been said to you. So let me tell you what happens when you decide to reject your sexuality. For 42 years I tried to hide who I really am...it was a disaster. It lead to intense depression and self-hate. Society and religion told me that I must be straight so when I did look at a guy I was filled with shame and guilt. I finally came within just a few minutes of taking my own life, but I was literally saved by the wonderful people here on empty closets. For the last 3 1/2 years I have been so much happier being me! Yes, if you are currently dependent on your family for a place to live, etc. you might have to with a little longer. The reasons you mother gave you are her reasons...why she is afraid. They have nothing to do with you and I agree that they are not really true! Please stay with us here on EC...you can talk to us without having to lie...without having to hide who you are. You are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care!
    .....David :gay _pride_flag:
     
  7. Roscoe S

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2018
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Chicagoland Area, Illinois
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I feel so grateful to be a part of such an accepting community here on EC. Thank you. <3