I find myself more and more depressed since coming out. I came out at 40...43 now and haven't met anyone. I came out at 40 based on falling for a woman in my 20's....it was an emotional connection, nothing physical (not even a kiss), but I let her go because she wasn't a nice person. I think it was the intensity of the situation, but she never came back even after I told her how I felt. Got married to a guy as I became deeply religious. Like I said, came out at 40 and nothing. I'm 43 now, moved out Feb 2018, and finally stopped feeling something for the girl in my 20's and became wildly attracted to another girl that I worked with. She's since left...she was temporary, but it feels like my life has repeated itself. This young lady was just as mean. I stopped thinking about the last girl and started really liking this new girl. We were from very different backgrounds....I'm black, she was Afrolatina, and it felt like she was stereotyping me. Like you're a black girl and here's a checklist of things I think you are that I don't like in black women. In the beginning she talked briefly to me...she had just got out of a relationship a year prior. She then stopped talking to me and then when I asked her why (I even gave her a ride to the train station), she said she wasn't there to make friends. But, she would talk to me on/off. When she was out the door (she had been there for 7 months) like the last 3 weeks, she started talking to me because I guess she was losing her job. She gave me her email address and her IG account. I stopped following her because she gave me her email address and then she blocked me. I told her I didn't think she was really into me. I CAN'T WIN! I get jealous at women that have just come out and meet women, kiss them, etc. Women I've met as friends, I'm not friends anymore or they don't call me. I'm always calling them to see what they're up to. They're living there life. I'm not. I've had suicidal thoughts because I'm depressed. I'm not into women that look like me (studs). I'm femme. I'm doing everything.....on dating sites, going out, etc. It was hard for me to connect with women prior to knowing I was gay...I never had a best friend and now that I am, it's torture. Nobody wants me. I wrote the girl and apologized for unfollowing her but no response. I really liked talking to her. It takes me awhile to find women to connect with. It's usually years in between and I felt like the door was being shut again. Like I was yelling, No, no no, please not again. It hurts! I don't get this! I'm frustrated.
I’m sorry that you’re having trouble connecting to women. Are you seeing a therapist who can help you work through some of these feelings? Depression may be part of what’s getting in your way. Are there any lesbian groups that focus on shared interests? In my area there are a few on meetup.com. It might be a good way to make some friends which could eventually lead to more.
Thank you for your response. Yes I’m in therapy. It’s tough. Strangely, I don’t show the depression outwardly. I want to meet someone. The depression occurs when I’m alone and ruminating about what happened with the young lady I used to work with and just being alone. I was happy to try and get to know the young lady I worked with, but it went no where. That lead to self doubt and why is this happening to me again.
