Coming out at 43

Hey @JenniGrace

Welcome to EC! You’ll find lots of helpful people with all sorts of experience so stick around.

Good going at trying to find a group or two to join! That’s great. Is the lesbian meetup you found a private group? If so, nobody but the members can see your photo and you can keep your interests hidden, too so others won’t come across you. You might also search for women only meetups for some activity you like. They won’t all be lgbt but I’ll bet there are some embers that are ;] That’s what I did. I was also leery about putting up my photo but it’s been months and nothing has happened.

I think if you find the right group of people, you won’t be judged for your bisexuality. If you are, think if it as your loser detector. If they judge you about one thing, what else might they judge you about, right? Who needs that?

Yeah. So that’s my suggestion. Clubs or meetups for women only and/or any of the relevant keywords. Gay, lesbian, bi, queer, lgbt...

Good luck and let us know how you make out.

 

Thank you for replying, your welcome, & advice! I really hope I can find some people to help me through this process here. And I'm hoping the bisexual stigma & prejudice isn't something I find here.

Do you think it would be wrong to go to a lesbian meetup group, where I'm bisexual? It says it's for lesbians only, but I would really like to get into the lesbian community, cuz those are the women I'm looking for.

 

@Jennifer35

I’m sure everyone will be fine here. And I think you should try those lesbian groups. The group I’ve tried here has “lez” in its name but in the mini questionnaire, they ask if you identify as lesbian or bisexual. I answered “yes” and had no problem. I, personally wouldn’t have a problem who showed up as long as she was interested in women.

If they make a big stink about it, again, those aren’t the kind of people you want to associate with anyway, right? ;]

 

Whether or not lesbian groups are accepting of bi members differs, but if the group specifically says it’s for lesbians i would not recommend you to join it unless you ask beforehand and get permission. bi women and lesbians have lots of things in common but there are also experiences they do not share, and sometimes people wish to be in the company of the narrowest range of people similar to them so that they’re free to discuss experiences bi women do not relate to (so not being attracted to men) without judgement. whether or not that’s a good thing is up for discussion but if they specifically say it’s for just lesbians and not for all wlw, you’re putting yourself up for disappointment in terms of how accepting they’ll be. it’s kind of like walking into a Cat Lovers Convention and saying “well i think dogs are pretty cool too!”. I get that you want to meet fellow wlw and i by no means want to say lesbians and bi women should be strictly segregated - but i don’t think a group that self-segregates is the right place to do so. So ask first to avoid stepping into an exclusionary space!

Really offered some great advice above - i also want to add dating apps as a suggestion. I know not everyone likes them but they are a great place to meet other wlw (either as friends or for dating) and some allow you to write text or list your sexuality so you could include the fact that you’re bi to avoid people who have an issue with that for whatever reason. Even if you don’t like the prospect of dating online, you could use it to make new friends and find your way into the lgbt community of where you’re living. the greater your network, the more likely you are to meet someone you’re attracted to!

And in terms of what you said in the first post about people not coming up to you - taking he initiative is key! i know that can be terrifying (i’m dealing with social anxiety myself) but it can be super rewarding and there’s a pretty good chance that people wanted to talk to you but also didn’t know how to go about it! just try to set yourself small goals: ie next time you go, you should initiate one conversation. no need to go all big at once, taking baby steps is much more doable. the more you do it, the easier it will become, trust me! And sometimes all you need to become a part of a community is a single conversation with the right person...

 

i say go to the lesbian group, just be honest. both with the women there and in your expectations of what it may be all about. if they seem welcoming, join and if not then don’t. it may be a better fit for you, especially considering you have tried the bisexual group and are still yearning for community.

not sure how being in a space with other like minded women would create an issue of more judgement... from a bisexual woman being present.

i mean, it’s not like walking into a cat club and judging the people in attendance for not liking dogs just because you might like them as well as cats... silly. obviously if someone goes to a cat club it is because they are interested in cats.

is there a form to fill out before hand?

 

I’d ask about joining the lesbian group and see what response you get. For me, this journey is about being true to myself so I’m trying to be transparent with my intentions and desires. I’m most likely bi as well, but right now I’m into women and have no interest in men. From all of the research I’ve done this year the theme of sexual fluidity keeps coming back. It’s very normal for attractions to fluctuate. Right now I identify as lesbian. I’m very much in love and sexually attracted to a woman and I want to be part of the lesbian community. Based on prior experiences, I won’t rule out any gender identification completely for the future though. Be yourself —just stare your intentions honestly. And if the group is private, a picture is probably ok. I had the same hesitation.