Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

OK, I've got a few minutes here. I "soldiered on" for years. The reason why I went back to counseling was because it wasn't working. Any relief was temporary. Keeping yourself busy is a bandage; once you stop, all the feelings come back.

This is me. The question is how can I be more open without being out to everyone. Can I be out to myself? What does that mean? How do I do that?

Dangerous game, I found. I felt like "I should", too. The problem for me is that I'm not ready for that (and may never be). My counselor is with me on that. She wants me to let go of the "should". Sometimes it feels wrong to be out to people but not to her even if it is my family. I don't like that, but I like the alternatives less.

I feel this, too. But, I think it must matter to some degree or we wouldn't be feeling like this. One of the things that gets me the most is how much I've been hurting. And I am repulsed by the notion that the only way to stop hurting is to make others hurt. It doesn't seem worth it, right? We don't want anything to change, we just want to stop hurting. But, to stop hurting we have to change something and potentially hurt those we love most. AND we still might be hurting in the end.

Recently, my counselor has started me trying to separate out fact from fiction about myself. It's so easy to say that we are living a lie, but that is a gross generalization. My sexuality? Okay, that's fiction. But a partial fiction. But, loving husband? Fact. Devoted father? Fact. Competent employee? Fact. I think what she wants me to see that is that, even though we hide this part of our sexuality, who we are is still who we are. Being out to myself, embracing it, letting down my guard even if it means that I don't act so perfectly straight all the time, not caring if strangers wonder whether I'm gay or not. Those small things matter, at least to me. Honestly, after all the time we've spent showing only our straight side to the world, you'd be surprised how hard it is to get people you know to consider otherwise without coming right out and telling them. It's just not something on their radar. So, it's something I've been trying, playing with, and sometimes daring to have fun with. It may not be what you end up doing, but my point is that I want a different result than what I've been getting, so I'm having to do something I haven't done before. "Tough it out" and "soldier on" just don't cut it for me anymore.

Share your concerns with your counselor and see what she says and if she has you try anything different. It's okay if you find out that she's not the right fit to get you where you want to go. The fact is that you're trying and that's definitely not nothing. Please keep us posted.

 

This is so true. It reminds me of a line from Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda when Leah says to Simon, "It's like the longer you sit with some s---, the harder it is to talk about". I totally get this. But we read so much about what happens to the straight spouses and it's horrible. I don't have the heart to put her through that, especially since I have no desire to act on any potential same-sex attractions. I just want to quit feeling like I'm bad.

This bit is so hard because it's a mental game. I personally got so wrapped up in the "I'm living a lie" that I was assuming that everything about me was a lie. "Who would I be now if I had only...?" So the exercise in sorting out the facts from fictions is so helpful for me. Yes, there are some fictions, but do closeted LBGTQ folks own that? I dare say, no. Everyone has fictions. I'm learning that I'm way more fact than fiction. As for differences between things you do and who you are. That's a fair point, but I'd argue that most people have a part of who they are that they don't show others, even their closest friends and family. Queer people don't exclusively own that.

Wow. That makes me giggle a bit because it is so ridiculous. The fact is, though, that you caught yourself. Being aware that you're doing it is a step toward not doing it. The early stages for me have been a lot of conscious decisions about what I was thinking and if I caught myself thinking or feeling something that wasn't helpful, then I had to change it. Part of *my* problem was that I was so used to feeling bad, that I didn't even want to try to feel good even though I knew what would cheer me up. That has to change, too. What would happen if I allowed myself to feel happy?

Here's where I am. As I am trying on my real self (or taking off my mask, however you want to frame it), that's just for me. I'm learning how to be. Not how to be queer or how to be bi. Just how to be, period. Have I changed? Maybe a little. In certain situations, around certain people, my mannerisms are a little different, the things I talk about, how I express things are all a little different. So, that's the "real" me showing. And the truth of it all, as I said before, is that the people who know me have already made up their minds about me and it would take a LOT to change that. So, it's not even all that risky. For me, the first thing is to figure out how to live in my own skin. Will that be enough? I hope so. But, even if it isn't, it's the first step I need to take.

 

Hi @Jggates
I’ve just joined this site today after reading your story. So much of me in your story but I’m a bit older.

I’m not sure if something that I’m going to mention may help but depending on if you and your family watch films together (and depending on the age of your children) could I suggest that you watch Love Simon together? It’s a great film and if you liked ‘80’s teen movies (St Elmo’s Fire, Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, etc...) it’s very similar to those but, after watching it it might be a chance to open up a conversation to gauge how your wife and family view gay people and how you may be able to tell your wife how you feel if you decide to do this.

For me, I’m still not sure what I truly feel but I know if I had had the role models available that younger people have today then I would have felt more relaxed about my true self instead of now being over 50 and finally accepting myself for who I am/might be i.e. bisexual demisexual (I think).

My children have always said ‘but you’re a bit gay anyway’ ever since they’ve understood what gay people are and from things I’ve said in all innocence. You might be surprised as children are very perceptive and are usually very accepting. I got my children to watch Love Simon with me and they both said how sorry they felt for me that I wasn’t able to be ‘me’ when I was 18.

I’m now divorced but not because I chose to be (a whole other story there). I’m still friendly with my ex-wife and have a great relationship with my children. I’ve not had a partner of either sex since my separation/divorce (now over 7 years since I’ve had sex) but I would say I am so much happier. I’m open to a partner of either sex but at this stage I’m still not sure what I want. I just know that the attraction to people of the same sex never goes away and, even if I never experience sex with a man, I still know I’m attracted to them. I’ve learned to accept this is who I am and I’m comfortable exprsssing that now if anyone asks.

Anyway, give Love Simon a chance.

All the best and many hugs to you.

 

Hi @Jggates

I'm happy to discuss anything with you and I don't think you could ask me a question that would be too personal but in order to answer your question with more honesty I think I need to tell you a bit more about me and my experience. So, here goes (and my apologies to anyone reading this that may be offended - I'm new to writng on a forum and don't intend to offend).

I think I knew I was probably more attracted to boys than girls when I was around 11 years of age but I also knew I really wanted a family. At the time, I don't think I gave it much thought but I was pretty much a loner at school - it was the '70's and while all my contemporaries were into Deep Purple and rock music, I was into Abba and the Bee Gees. When I started at senior college (16-18 in the UK) I never had a girlfriend but did have a crush on a boy whom I never spoke to but who was on the same bus journey each evening from college. He was everything I wanted to be - dark, tall, handsme and confident. I didn't really know what I wanted from him but I knew it was 'wrong'.

I know you are concerned about what you family may think of you but suppressing how you feel is torture. I honestly don't think my family would have reacted in a horrible way had I told them at the time how I felt but I couldn't be sure. The other reason was more what I thought about gay people at the time - the voices, the effeminate behaviours, the club scene, the promiscuity I didn't want any of that, I didn't want my family to think I would behave like that or do the things gay people do (see, I may be saying offensive things here but this is how I felt at the time).

Anyway, for 10 years no girlfriends, no boyfriends and I'm a 27 year old virgin! I changed jobs and started working for the council when I noticed a man that I was instanty attracted to. Absolutely terrifying!!! I had never felt this way about anyone before, but this man was...I watched him from the corner of my eye, I watched him walk out the door, cross the road, the way he moved. I just wanted him. I had no idea what to do about it nor how to approach him. Life shows you the way, I guess, and I took a chance and casually suggested to him that I was going to visit a part of the country that I hadn't been to before and, if he wasn't doing anything else that day, would he like to come along. Fortunately for me, he said yes.

I couldn't believe how much we had in common and, one night with a bit of Dutch courage, I laughingly said that if I did something to him would he do the same to me. He said 'I thought you were never going to ask' so that evening I lost my virginity and so did he. We remained friends for a long time, even travelling around the world together but our sexual antics were always limted to oral sex and, to this date, I have never wanted anal sex which I understand now is not a pre-requisite for being gay anyway. We stopped having sexual 'experiences' with each other before we stated our travels and 'it' didn't resurface again.

So, during this time, I always said to my friend that I was gay for him but still thought of myself as esentially heterosexual. I still longed to have that 'normal' life. When we returned from our travels my friend went on to university (and declared he way gay) and I went back to my life at work where I had my first girlfriend and who, when we had sex, gave me the confidence to feel that I was 'normal'. I eventually split up from her after meeting another girl at work who made me feel exactly the same as when I met my boyfriend - I'm normal, I love this woman, I want children with her. I want to do everything with her..and so I did.

However, before we did marry, I felt compelled to tell her about my 'gay' period. My wife-to-be said she felt this was not abnormal and that she had almost had a same-sex encouter which she didn't act upon. She also met my former boyfriend on many occasions and said she felt no threat from him.

We had 14 years of marriage, 2 children and during that time I was completely faithful to her. I often had thoughts about men but I think that's exacly the same as any heterosexual man thinking about other women - they think about other women but would never act on any impulse because they love and respect their partner. I've also had the comfort of always being able to say if I find a man or woman attractive, because, if they are attractive they just are irrelevant of their sex. The only time I can remember feeling something directly for another man was when a man came into the store I owned and I couldn't breathe properly...he was perfect! In 14 years, that was the only time I thought I was perhaps not living my true self.

I was truly happy with my wife, my family and my life. Our sex life was good, and, whilst occasionally Ronan Keating would be in my head(!) when making love to my wife, I was pretty much there with her body and soul. So, when my wife announced that she didn't love me any more and that she had been having an affair it was absolute shock, horror and disbelief.

What I do remember very clearly when she told me that she didn't love me any more was that a voice in my head said 'you'll be ok. Things will be fine. You'll find a way' and this voice remained even when I was sobbing, screaming and thinking of ending it all for the next 6 months. In fact, even though my life did turn upside down and, if I could turn back time and change everything back to how it was then I would, I actually feel now that the right thing happened.

I know that my children do love me, they respect me and they can see that I am ok. My wife has found happiness with someone else (not the person she had the affair with) and she's still hoping I find someone to love. My children look forward to me finding someone, too.

Now I look back on my last 55 years, I wish I had had the courage to allow my 18 year old self to be the man I so wanted to be and that I could have expressed myself sexually but the late '70's and the '80's just wasn't the right time for me. I think there will be someone out there for me - I want it to be a man because I think that's where I'm going to find happiness and contentment but who knows?

I think you have to accept the fear because eventually you will have to tell your wife and you may be surprised by her reaction (and by yours). She may well accept that you have these thoughts and may even be aware of them anyway. The fear may be your own - if she does accept you, what will you do? If you are truly happy with her then, even though you identify youself as gay, then you are no more likely to act on any impulse to have an affair with anyone else than any heterosexual man or woman.

Since you haven't to date done this, I strongly suspect that you will remain completely loyal to her. The only change will be that you will be able to express your emotions without guilt and be able to say things to her that she will be able to understand and accept. For me, saying I love Gary Barlow was completely acceptable to my wife - he's unattainable, and definitely not a threat. In fact, if anything related to Take That or Gary Barlow was in the news, my wife would call me to tell me my boyfriend was on tv. Just the same as saying I love Julia Roberts, not a threat!!!

I think in the end, it will be you who decides what to do. Your marriage may fail, but probably not from this. It may become stronger, or it may be that you both realise that you are really great friends but both deserve something more. This will be heartbreaking for both of you, but also a huge relief when you look back at your life in the future. Regardless, your children will still love you, you will always be their dad.

From your writing and your attitude, you are a very sensitive and wonderful man. You are not defined by your sexuality but by how you live your life, by the friends you make and the community you build.

You can't live with the burden you have given yourself at the moment, and not being free with your emotions and how you express yourself with lead to a mental breakdown. Why not take your wife away for the weekend, have a meal and a few drinks together (if you drink alcohol) and then tell her exaclty what is bothering you. Be completely truthful and see what happens. I have a feeling you are going to be ok, and so is she.

Also, don't worry about 'normal'. The reality is that what is normal is only 'normal' for the community we circle in. If your friends truly value you, they will accept you for who you are regardless of who you prefer in bed. If they don't accept this, then hard as it is to face, they are not truly your friends. I know this is also really frightening to think about, but it will work out for you. Also, if your wife does accept you for who you are, it's also possible you may never need to tell your friends anyway since the relief wll be so great that you'll be able to express yourself more freely and appear happier to them. They will just think what a great marriage you have and what's the secret to your happiness?

I hope what I've written may be helpful to you. Foget the film for the time being. It was just an idea of how you might open up a conversation. Trust that I'm thinking of you and supporting you whatever happens, as I'm sure so many others on this forum are. Keep in touch, let me know what happens and if you want to talk, I'm listening.


Hugs and respect.

 

Sending you a hug, first of all.

Starting with a forum to let out your frustrations is a good thing. It seems you need someone you can talk to, either online or in person.

I haven't read all the advice above, so I apologize if I'm repeating sth already said.

Social media is lying to you... I don't know many LGBT people who aren't dealing with some kind of mental health problem due to all the prejudice we go through. Those on Twitter or Youtube put a smile on their face because that's their job if they are influencers. Some are very happy. Which is wonderful. But many of us are struggling. You are not alone, nor are you weird for feeling this way.
Many bisexuals do.

There is no guilt to be felt in watching porn and enjoying it. You're not hurting anyone while doing so. And as a bisexual, yes, you will enjoy straight porn, gay porn, and bisexual porn...

If you are to come out to your wife eventually, try and get to know how she feels about LGBT people first and/or about bisexual men first.

But know that your frustrations are normal and you are not alone.

 

Sorry I keep bothering you guys and getting off topic but I agree with what the poster said above about LGBT having mental health its driving me to depression that I can't be open and honest with my wife and self

 

I feel the same way any time a queer person brags online about their wonderful sex life. It leaves me wanting and feeling like something is wrong with me.

 

We are not wired wrong. It's just that straight society has been oppressing us and forcing us to "fit in." I blame it all on straight society exclusively and not on us. If my family weren't homophobic, for example, I would have realized way earlier that I was bi and I would have accepted it and gotten girlfriends in high school and college. Today, I wouldn't feel like I have to hide who I am from them or lie or pretend to be what I am not. I don't blame myself for that...I blame them. I am learning to place the blame where it belongs.

 

Well it is never too late.