1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Is it normal for a guy to be this intense?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by RainydayTofu, Aug 16, 2018.

  1. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Hey,

    Got to a stage in my life recently where I feel comfortable with myself enough to try dating. Joined an online dating app almost 2 weeks ago. Not bothered if I don't meet anyone as I don't really believ in the whole soulmates/love-at-first-sight stuff, and I was OK being single.

    Started chatting to this one guy a bit younger than me last week. Seemed to get on well and we took the conversation off the app onto Whatsapp and then Snapchat.

    I thought it was a bit odd that he chose to mention to me that he'd never been with anyone before (I don't care really), but we carried on chatting. I wouldn't say he's my 'type' but he seemed nice and confident.

    Then the red flags started:

    1.) After day 1 he started messaging me "Good morning x". And the messages just haven't stopped coming since then. ALL. EFFING. DAY. I try and respond when I can but I'm at work all day, out with friends (I hate being on my friends when I have company because it's rude) or just chillin' at ome with my parents. Sure, I want to message im quite a bit because I was into him, but he repsonds like STRAIGHT AWAY.

    I should mention, at this stage we've met each other once for a date and arranged a second one. Im having doubts whether I find him attractive or if he is too intense, or if we have enough shared interests. Or, if I'm just nervous and chanelling this onto him (not saying it's all his fault here). But anyway, back to the 'red flags':

    2.) He's always been pretty flirty (okay, 'flirty' is probably an understatement :wink:) since day one, and that's helped me to be too- it as exciting and nervewracjing at first but I feel like it's gone too far and if I break it off now he's gonna think I 'lead him on'.

    3.) He's started calling me 'baby' in messages... like we've been in a relationship for years already

    4.) He just keeps saying how he can't believe I like him as guys have told him before that he isn't attarctive (again, this is gonna make me feel guilty if I cut it off with him)

    5.) He actually referred (jokingly... I hope) to my mom as 'future mother-in-law'. I realise now that this is the point at which I should have turned around and run.. fast, not looking back until I was far, far over the border :grin:

    Is this itensity normal? This is my first foray into dating so I dunno what's to be expected (had one other date o this app and I wasn't much into that guy; we just didn't click and he could tell I think, so he hasn't contatced me after the first date). I've already arranged to see him again, but I'm just not sure I find him attractive, physically or emotionally- like he seems a bit emotionally immature. But, I'm afraid he will 'blackmail' me in a way since he seems to have had bad luck with guys in the past :s I don't want him to get discouraged it just seems like he came on too strong too soon- would thhis kind of stuff intimidate/turn you guys off or am I just being a scaredy-cat!?

    Thanks,
    J
     
  2. DreamerAsh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2018
    Messages:
    207
    Likes Received:
    97
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    1, 2 & 5. I do these things in a relationship. I do it, because I'm fond of the person and I am seeking a deep connection, yes it is intense, some people like the chill low-key love, but me I wanna know them so deeply I can know what they need automatically. I want to be the best boyfriend I can be and I need to know them deeply and feel connected with them in anyway that helps me to be, such as goodmorning texts. What are you looking for? A fun, easygoing relationship? Or, a intense deeply compassionate relationship, a dead serious one? If, your relationship style doesn't match his, you shouldn't be together. It just won't work. Don't feel guilty, I know I always hated how I unintentionally made them feel guilty, I hated when they stayed and it failed horribly. They always wound up resenting me and it really messed me up. It was nothing I did, the other person couldn't handle it and they should have respected me enough to leave. I know personally all my loves, claimed that they had never be loved like that before, with my intensity. So, it is not going to make you unhappy, that relationship. But, if it's not for you, you shouldn't stay, it's not fair to either of you.

    As for the baby thing and the constant texts. He just sounds really excited and fond of you and he doesn't realize the baby thing is a red flag, because he's never really had anyone tell him that it was.

    I also, should tell you that intense people, like me, tend to need more attention than the average person, he'd feel unloved, if you weren't there for him as intensely as he is for you. That's a lot of pressure on someone, some can handle it and fall right into the role, some don't. Relationships are about playing certain roles and perhaps you two have roles that are not connecting. I don't think it's going to work out.

    If, this is just worry I'd try to take things easy for you, keep doing things the way they are maybe try to make things less intense between you, set boundaries. If, this is your first time facing intensity like this, then you may just be startled by it.

    Hopefully my perspective of someone on the other side of the relationship, his side, will help you understand some and make your decisions.
     
  3. Barbatus

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2016
    Messages:
    685
    Likes Received:
    108
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @RainydayTofu So I was in a similar situation with a guy I dated. Constant texts, terms of endearment straight away, him talking like we were going to spend the rest of our lives together etc. I found it very intense and very unjustified as we didn't know each other that well. I also found him to be immature and much more emotional than I am. So I spoke to him about it but that didn't make any difference. He also said he'd had experienced rejection in the past (as I and most others have) but I have to say that I think the problem is the intensity and the constant need for reassurance is too much. I'm sure for some people it is what they want but for me it was suffocating.

    It wasn't just that alone but it was certainly the driving force behind me breaking it off. And this isn't a case of behaving the 'right' way in a relationship - you need to behave naturally but sometimes that just means two people aren't compatible. Hope you get things sorted out.