Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

How old? I've always known. I just pushed it down to try and be "normal".

 

That's how I want to be. But can't. :/

 

Cos I'd risk losing the ones I love, my friends and my job.

 

Yes, hearing that I'm not alone has been a great help to me too. At least I've learned I'm not just being ridiculous, and other people's tales have given me hope that the only way isn't down.

 

It's not a sin, it's how we are made.

 

Nah, I had a Catholic upbringing and a very religious mum, so I used to buy into all that "homosexuality is a sin" crap too. It's probably one of the main reasons I ended up in this situation. (Well, any sex was taboo, but that's a different story.)

I might be struggling to cope and feeling like I'm drowning, but there is one thing I'm absolutely clear on. My sexuality is who I am, it's in my genes. It's not like choosing to murder or steal or lie or anything else you can call a sin - our sexuality is just who we are. It is how we were made.

If you want to believe in an almighty God, then you also have to believe he made you this way. If "God hates fags" as the bigots chant, then he wouldn't make them.

So no, it's not a sin.

 

Anyway, update for today in case anyone is still following this journey...

I've been going through all the worksheets the therapist gave me. Flashbacks to doing homework at school. :/

I have to admit that they are actually making things worse, so I've stopped working through them until I can speak to the therapist at my next session.

The sheets are all to do with dealing with anxiety and depression, and very much focused on the mechanics of what causes these feelings (well I know that already) and how to cope and move through the feelings.

The problem is, it seems to be all about either learning that anxiety-causing situations are only temporary and can be managed (or even avoided), and that you can get out of a depressive downer by focusing on the good and keeping yourself active / busy.

To my mind, this is the exact opposite of what I need. My feelings aren't part of a temporary situation that I am scared of - it's my whole life and the disconnect with my "real self" that is scaring me. And burying the sadness by keeping busy isn't the solution - I've been hiding this my whole life. If anything, I'm an expert at distracting myself.

I want to be more open so I can stop putting up barriers and stop getting more distant from others (and from myself).

On the other hand, I accept that the therapist knows more about this than I do, so I'll see what she says at our next session. But to be honest, I feel like I'm just being taken down the path of "just soldier on".

Looking back at our last session, this might be because of how I answered some of the questions. The therapist asked me outright "are you wanting to come out to your wife". I said that I feel like I should, as I hate the fact that I am not honest with her and that I know it's making me put up barriers to avoid accidentally revealing too much - and this is getting worse. But I also said the idea of this terrifies me as I don't know how she will react, and I'm imagining the worst case scenario - and why does it really matter anyway, as I'm still madly in love with her so it isn't as if I want to change anything as far as our relationship goes. So maybe all I really want to do is just get rid of this depression and go back to feeling alive again.

So maybe that discussion has taken the therapist down the road of "let's teach him how to manage these negative feelings".

I'm going to start our next session by explaining this worry, and see where we go from there. I'm still hopeful that this can be sorted, but I'm not feeling very positive right now. The blues are back with a vengeance. :/