Aging in the LGBT community

Being almost a gentleman of certain age I wouldn't say this is true at all. There are different groups/venues etc. which intersect sometimes, but I feel like at least in larger cities (which to be fair is where you find most of the community structure for young people as well) there's plenty of community among older LGBT people, if anything I feel like the sort of civic life of LGBT people gets much more interesting and varied as you get older.

 

@Destin, in my experience gay guys maintain their friendships well and often continue to make their own arrangements 'off radar'. Those of us who are reasonably well adjusted understand and appreciate the need to cherish those social connections and enduring relationships. I think we come to realisation that life can't be an endless hook up and at some point we need to cultivate something deeper and more meaningful that will offer us friendship and companionship over time, and that's what happens, if we have any sense. Life only becomes difficult for those of us who don't get it.

 

I also disagree with this (and I am in my early 20's) from what I notice, there is definitely a lot of events/groups geared towards young LGBT-Folks but also many meet up groups and else geared towards 40yo+ LGBT folks, I actually think the ones missing out are people in their 30's who are "too old" to fully feel the fit in with people in their early 20's and "too young" to attend events mostly targetted at women/men in their mid 40's/early 50's.

 

It's not like that where I live. Gay guys don't seem to "grow out of" going to clubs and having casual hookups. Gay guys in their 50s don't seem that much more mature than gay guys in their 20s. So they all seem to fit into the same scene.

If there were to be a group for older LGBT people who want to take up knitting and water colour painting classes, I'd probably give that a go, but generally in my experience, gay people don't seem to want to expand their horizons once they get into clubs and hookups. They seem to want to stay there in their comfort zone.

 

There are always going to be people who stay too long at the fair, but in my experience most people kind of move on. If the way you encounter other gay people revolves around hooking up and they aren't doing that any more it will look like they just kind of went away, but they're still there, just doing different things. My husband and I will still go out to a club or a bar every month or so, which is frankly more than a lot of our friends. Somebody could look at that and say "oh, poor dears, they only go out once a month," but that's pretty far from the truth--it's just we only go there once a month. In my experience in your twenties there's your friends, many of whom you've known for a whole year or two, and the places you go, in your forties and fifties there's your friends (many of whom you've known for over twenty years), your partner (most of my friends of my age or older are married or the equivalent) and the things you do and the organizations you belong to. Don't get me wrong--being young and gay was amazing and I kind of feel bad for people who didn't get to try it--but in the end I think I like being older and gay better, there's just more to it. I know it seems from within those circles that people get pushed out, but in my experience people opt out. I think the dirty little secret of being older and gay (especially if you were very involved in gay life in your twenties) is that most older people find younger people a little boring in anything beyond small doses--the line of thought is something along the lines of: "yeah, yeah, been there done that, got the t-shirt in more colors than I care to think about, but what else you got?"

 

Being in my 30s I will say that I don't really feel left out. I honestly was never really into the club scene and definitely was not into hooking up... everyone jokes that I was born with an old soul lol. I don't judge others and don't consider myself to be a prude or anything..just never had the desire for either and I was too busy going to college, working full time and buying a house, etc.. I've made and met awesome friends online and at two different times both became serious relationships, so it hasn't hampered that.

But, yes, around here it really does seem more geared toward those in their 20s and it would be kinda cool to have events for the rest of us.

 

I completely agree with @PatrickUK. While I was never a huge extraverted, hooking up person as I've come out and gotten a little older I've already shifted away from clubbing and having several friends and more towards working and deepening the few relationships with my family/bf/friends. So the shift in gay culture as you age makes complete sense to me.

 

This is an issue that hits close to home. I am 27 (closer to 28) and have never been on a date/hookup. Ever. Gay intimacy never.

There were numerous times during my teen years when I tried to come out only for it to backfire causing me to freak out and suppress everything again. I finally stood my ground at 22 in terms of knowing I wasn't straight. By that point however I had already been dealing with really bad depression/social anxiety and (I believe) body dysmorphia for a number of years. In case anyone doesn't know 'body dysmorphia' is a psychological condition that causes sufferers to significantly underrate their level of physical attractiveness. I find it sad looking back at my younger self and realizing I actually looked okay after all. I had no real reason to hold myself back all those years other than a faulty perception of myself. Looking back with hindsight I can see that my lack of confidence growing up was based on a lifetime of emotional abuse/neglect. All of those issues coupled with living in a less accessible/rural area have really fucked up my ability to make/keep friendships and date it would seem... I'm sure someone will reinforce my low self esteem and tell me "if only you had tried harder"...

Now that age and stress have started to set in I think about suicide almost every time I see what I've become in the mirror. This is just me being totally honest right now. It feels like it would be the kindest thing to do. Like putting a sick dog down.

A lonely/uneventful youth combined with the reality of aging is a bitter pill to swallow. I don't think it's unreasonable at this point to think I could take my virginity to my grave with me (unless I lower my standards to accommodate vast age differences and morbid obesity.)

I think about calling it a day every day. Sorry for groveling on the internet.

 

I don't find this to be a problem. If you find a network of friends, that's way better than partying. It's healthier, too. I will admit that some of these friends came from a hook up that they sort of put themselves in place for. But these friends have been "regular guy" types who had no use for the scene and never will. They're the type of people I could easily be friends with if sex hadn't ever been a part of it and even if they were straight. Don't worry. Be happy. I feel more relaxed as time goes by.

 

I do think what you are perceiving is just not knowing other older LGBT people.

I have a vast number of older LGBT people on social media who I have met and they are all constantly hanging out with each other. Most of the LGBT sports groups are highly geared to later in life peeps.

I do think there is a problem that younger generations don't interact too much with older generations in the community. I have learned sooo much from the older generations. Being able to speak with activist from Act Up or people who changed policy in your community is amazing.

Where you live is also highly for young people so that would also affect how you perceive things.

But there is some truth behind this though. And its mainly capitalism. The money is made at clubs, parties, etc. Sadly, its what sells so you are going to so that more than your local groups who don't have a budget for marketing. But they are out there for sure.

I will say that people don't "grow up" from hook ups because there is nothing to grow up from. Hook up culture for many people is a way we choose to live our lives and not just when we are young. I know for a fact that I will need stop hooking up with other guys probably ever

 

Fadedstar

Oh man! Your post almost made me cry. You are NOT old. Life has NOT passed you by. I was so conflicted in my younger days that I was afraid to have sex with men or women until I was about 24 and met my wife. I also suffered from low self esteem regarding my looks. I now, as you have, look back at photos of myself at 22 when I was in constant crisis over this and see, really, a good looking kid. My conflicts regarding my bisexuality made me feel so unworthy of any relationship that I simply avoided them.

I'm now, almost 60 and I have, with my wife's blessing, started having intimacy with men. It is not hard to find partners who will not judge me on looks or age. There are so many men out there that are lonely and looking for connections that include only friendship to long term relationships.

I know depression can really skew your perception of self worth and it is so easy for someone to say "get out there". But, you can do it a little at a time. Start reaching out to others in the gay community. Check out some of the meetup sites. You may have to travel. But, there may be a group that does hikes or bike rides or something like that. I bet you find some acceptance that you can build on.

I hope you are in counseling to help build your self esteem. If not, please find someone with some experience in LGBT issues.

Best man...

 

I honestly don't understand where your getting that perception exactly. I seen many older lgbt people have their groups of friends and they do stuff together like clubbing, boating or stuff like that even rural MN. I think the young and the older gays from where I am from are very much united and mostly due to the fact that there are not many gays in my area. Of course that is the bigger cities but still I don't understand where you get that perception honestly I don't.