Do Crushes Damage Platonic Friendships?

I've been crushing on this female classmate of mine for ten months now, and my feelings haven't changed as I've tried to push her out of my mind. We've become pretty good friends, and even seeing all of her flaws - and teasingly making fun of them - hasn't destroyed the non-platonic feelings. Back in April, I was seriously considering telling her how I felt. I was worried that keeping this crush from her going further into our friendship will damage it once I tell her or she finds out. Is that normal? I have no experience with telling friends that you like them non-platonically, so I don't know how they react. I don't think that my friend is the type to shut me out of her life for something like that, but it's hard to tell since it's a pretty big game changer in a relationship. Back then, I was almost prepared - there even came a moment with her when I thought about it and almost started talking - but I chickened out, and up to this point, I evidently haven't made any further moves. So what do I do from here on out? Right now, as we're still in summer, I haven't been seeing her regularly, last time we got together with other friends was a couple of weeks ago. I want to mentally prepare myself for going back to school and getting caught up in it all over again. Any advice is appreciated!

 

Thanks. I know that I really can't know what I'm going to feel in the future, but right now, I'm not really sure where I'd want this relationship to go anyways. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, because I only started questioning in the last year. I can't really picture us dating, and I don't know if it's because I don't want it, don't expect it, or am not used to the idea of dating a girl. I've just really wanted to be her friend the past year, I barely knew if that was considered a crush or not. Now that I've achieved that, I guess I just want us to be as close as possible... and yet I don't know about dating. Is this weird? I have considered that I might be demisexual, and I don't know if that factors into this, but my crush seems a little different in nature compared to that of my peers. Does this make sense?

 

The first few months that we knew each other, she seemed to make it pretty clear that she was straight. Our group of -entirely female- friends even jokes about platonic marriages between them, because they're just that comfortable that they can joke about sexuality. The past couple of months haven't been as much of that, and maybe it's just gone unsaid. However, a couple of the times that the topic was nudged, she didn't seem so sure of herself. I guess I can ask to further clear it up, but I don't think she's super close minded. Is there any way that I can subtly approach that without outright asking though? We aren't besties, so I don't know if there are boundaries or if there's a level of intimacy that I haven't reached with her yet.

I guess if I do decide to tell her, I would try to keep it as casual as possible, to make it as easy as possible to accept and move on. I wouldn't have any expectations of her, because I don't have hope that my feelings could be reciprocated. Thanks for the advice, that would probably be the way to go. I just need to figure out how to pull myself together enough to do it.

 

I guess I'm just worried about the chance - slim, but still possible - that she'll end our friendship. Yes, I know that if this happens, she isn't worth it and our friendship wouldn't have lasted. But it still feels like I have a choice, and whether our friendship has a 100% chance of lasting is up to me. It would still feel preventable, you know? I think, when I get the chance, I will approach the subject, and exactly in the manner that you described. The last thing I want is to heap on more awkwardness, to make it feel like I'm expecting her to reciprocate.

The thing is, I have noticed other people. Within the time period of this crush, I've thought about other people and my potential relationship with them, and whether it can be non-platonic. Not meaning to sound doom and gloom, but there's no way that somebody whom I'm interested in will have a mutual interest in me, and I don't expect that at this age. I wouldn't be ready to actually date anyone right now, even if I had the opportunity. And of course, when there's a crush, it comes down to comparison: am I more interested in this person than in my crush? Are they more intelligent? Humourous? Sociable? Of course, my crush being my friend, I'm probably going to choose her over a lot of people. I don't know how I can escape that mindset. Yes, we are all individuals, it being unfair to compare, but humans still do it anyways. I'm no different.

 

I guess that makes sense, instead of trying to control everything on my side. I think if put into her hands, our relationship would survive, because she is very accepting, and we are pretty close. But is it weird telling someone that you've had non-platonic feelings for them for most of the friendship? Because established platonic relationships are quite different from a non-platonic (at least on one side) one. You talk about different things and act differently around each other. Am I telling her that I've been lying to her all this time, at least by omission? As much as I've been trying to face it in my head and heart, it becomes more real when I say it out loud to her, and I want to be ready in case she rejects the friendship because of this. But you're right, it is up to her to react.

 

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense, and it helps with the moral dilemna. It isn't as if I've been withholding this conversation because I wanted to deceive her. It really is draining to keep the secret, so it is better for both of us this way. Is it bad if I've also not come out to her yet, because I thought that was connected to my feelings for her? I mean, I'm still questioning right now, but I have told a few of my other friends, purposely excluding her because I've wanted her to assume I'm straight for the time being. I know it's up to me, but is that too much to put into a conversation? As I've been planning it, I didn't think so, since it's basically just "I like you, I'm not straight, I'm demi." But is that an overload of information, especially if she isn't expecting anything?

 

You are right, on both accounts. I've only come out to four people so far, one of them being my younger sister, the rest being my friends. I'm in a position where I don't think I can come out to my parents, since my mom is one of those "gays aren't my problem and they're attention seeking because they think they're so special" kind of people. I don't think I'm ashamed of who I am, but I just don't know how to go about telling people. I've only started questioning in the past year, and considering myself demi in the past few months. Naturally, I don't think it's so huge of a problem that most people in my life don't know, because I barely know myself. I'm not scared of coming out, of having that talk, but I only know how to do it with those who are closest to me (other than my parents.) One of my lesbian friends came out through a joke to most people, but I don't want to approach it as a casual thing with the people I know, because to me it's no small trifle.
Our group of friends (one including me and my crush) has an unrealistic proportion of straights: between the seven of us, two are lesbians, one is ace, and one is bi. So I'm not too worried about how she'd react to my coming out; I have no doubts that she'd be very supportive. Yet, the combination of coming out, and telling her about the crush? That's when it starts to feel like a lot. So for now, the crush feels like more of a problem, especially if I've had these feelings for a while. If I didn't have this crush, I'm fairly confident that coming out would have been easier, and possibly done already.

 

Thank you for the advice; it's interesting to hear the other side's perspective. I think I'm still going to consider telling her, if only because there are a couple of key differences in my goal in telling her, and our relationship.
Obviously, the last thing I want to do is to put any sort of expectations on my crush for her to reciprocate my feelings. I can accept and live with the fact that my crush will still be unrequited after I tell her; I haven't been super emotional about it and don't expect to be after I tell her, as long as she remains comfortable with our friendship. I don't feel the need to complain: going into this crush from day one, I knew that the only solution is to get over it. I'm not going to make this her problem, because it really is mine, if I want her as my friend. I hope to approach her as non-confrontational as possible, let her know that I've been trying to tackle my feelings and just wanted to make her aware of any possible weirdness, and then see how she responds. My goal is to unload as little as possible onto her, to make sure she knows that there's no pressure to respond. If it affects our relationship, then maybe I can't do anything about it: this is how I feel, and I'd feel guilty if we were to remain friends while I keep her in the dark about my feelings. If we are to be friends, then either way I have to come out to her, and I'd feel better if I were to not omit the fact that I'm attracted to her.
In short, when I tell her, the ball is in her court: having all the information, she can decide what we are to each other, and whether or not she can live with my feelings for her. If this ruins everything between us, there's nothing I can do, or regret. If I continue the same way we were before this, but she can't, then it isn't my fault. I'll have done my best, and maybe I can move on.
If I don't tell her, I'll continue to feel dishonest. I'll continue to feel like I'm lying to her, about both how I feel, and who I am. Yes, it's my problem, but it involves her. That will definitely affect our friendship, because I can't continue like this.

 

Thanks, I really appreciate that message. That's very kind of your friend, and I agree that if the friendship is worth it, a crush shouldn't change a whole lot. I do think that it depends on the person, because different people react to such news in different ways. If I tell my crush about my feelings, but I make it sound like I want or expect reciprocation, then obviously there's a problem.
It is true that I would put the friendship before anything, and I think that after telling her, I can start to put the crush behind me. Yet, would that be made any easier, as I get to know her even better, if I'm attracted to her personality and our emotional bond? The first step is probably to tell her, but I still wonder what comes after, assuming there will still be an after for our friendship. I hope my situation goes as smoothly as yours though.