My BF and I have been together 18 months. The first time we slept together he found the roles suddenly reversed for him and he found himself immediately assuming a submissive role to me. It came as a shock to him as he’d always identified and been a “top”. We have an active sex life but from very early on - pretty much the first time he tried - when he’s tried to take the more dominant role in bed, and we have full sex with me as the bottom, he quickly loses his erection. We are working towards him being a comfortable bottom and as I’m his first we’re taking things slowly. He adores me and at night he’ll cuddle back in against my cock with his backside. He’ll often take my arm that’s across him and cup my hand around his cock and balls. We love each other and we have no other problems with our sex life. He gets very turned on to the point of being hard but the whole sex with me thing just seems to make him anxious or for some reason go soft. I don’t want to make it worse but I also don’t like the thought that he’s worried about it silently. I’ve been like that before with guys where I felt they were much more dominant than me and I just couldn’t get it up. It wasn’t that I didn’t fancy them or think they were hot or didn’t want to sleep with them. It’s just my brain was playing a different game! Just conscious that it could be something he’s just fallen into or his brain has hard wires itself now to seeing me as the dominant partner. How do you change that or can I?
Yep, so its all in the head. If you think your partner isn't able to get it up because he just feeling more submissive next to you, whether due to size, weight, etc) you can try and trick your brain to feel in certain ways. One of the easiest ways to do this is to play with toys and restrains. Its way easier to feel dominant when your boyfriend is blindfolded and with their hands behind their back. Of course talking about a safe word, consent, and good communication is critical. Another thing that you can try is him bottoming while he is in control. So tie you down, and he will bottom for you, but he is in control of when, how fast and for how long. In many ways the power dynamic is changed without having for him to top But the main point is that you guys have to start exploring and then enjoying the act of exploring. Don't make topping the end game here. Talk about it openly and without shame, and then enjoy that you have a relationship where you guys can explore different toys, positions, situations in order to have even better sex. Tell him this! This exactly. Let him know that you love your sex life, that you love him, your connection together, and also let him know that you don't want him to deal with this a lone. That you can be there for him and you can both figure this out if you guys want.
@Highlander, just to clarify, at what point is he losing his erection? Is he losing his erection while he is topping you, or is he losing his erection at the thought of topping you? It's interesting that he immediately assumed the role of bottom with you, despite being more of a top in the past and I'm just wondering if your relationship dynamic is such that he can't get his mind round to the idea of topping you? When he expressed surprise at his new found desire for bottoming did you have a conversation about why that might be the case? Do you both see topping as being more dominant? If you do this could go some way towards understanding what's going on. Final question (I promise ) - was it his suggestion that he should top, or yours?
Thanks smurf. We'll try the whole him on top thing. He's got a body image thing as well, so I think a blindfold on me will help him feel at ease with himself. I think he looks hot as hell, but his confidence about how he looks could do with improving. Little steps though. We've got a few options and he loves that I use my hands down there - there's nothing that's not great about our sex life. But just this thing that I know is causing him a bit of anxiousness.
Thanks Patrick. It goes completely within about five minutes at most after topping me. He doesn't know why his mind worked like that. But it might've been the fact that it all just kind of happened like that. I kind of just took the lead and it led on from there. It kinda blew his mind a bit to find himself in that position. We did speak about it and he's said that it's a combination of things. He sees me as more masculine than him, I'm older than him (but not by a great deal), he thinks I'm more experienced than him (I don't know, I've not gone into a huge amount of detail and I don't want him to either!). I don't see topping as more dominant, but he does feel like he belongs to me. When we're at the point of getting to sex, he's more the one that will ask to be topped than me.
So let him be on the bottom - too much is made of positions, labels, etc. Ride him like a cowgirl and enjoy it!
