I want to be either straight or gay, not both

i’m not bisexual so i can’t give you advice in regards to that specifically (i’ll leave that to people who can speak from experience). what i can say, however, is that it’s normal to go through phases where you doubt everything regardless of your sexuality. i don’t think you’re “going back into denial” - you’re going through a very normal process where you identify as something that isn’t considered the norm by society, and you’re okay with that, but every so often societal ideals that you’ve been taught from a little age come back up and make you doubt and lose confidence in your identity. that’s something that happens to a huge number of people who identify as lgbt in some way. i’ve heard plenty of stories from people who are entirely confident in their sexuality, have been so for years or even decades, and STILL find themselves going through phases where suddenly they doubt everything. think of being confident in your sexuality as being a constant battle with norms existing in society: it’s really hard to fight 24/7, and ocassionally you’ll find that these norms start overpowering you a little because the battle has worn you out. that doesn’t mean you’re back at the point before you started the battle, and it only makes sense it happens sometime because fishing 24/7 is exhausting as hell! don’t be too hard on yourself for doubting again.

also, you don’t have to choose which gender to date. you could go on dates with both men and women and see where it takes you. you can let life runs it course and decide for you who you end up dating. additionally, even if you decide to date one gender for a while, that doesn’t mean you can’t date the other gender if you happen to run into someone you really like. you say you find yourself in a phase where you’re feeling like you’re becoming more gay - you could act on that a little, explore that side, but then if you happen to run into a guy you feel super attracted to, go for it. you do you!

i’ve seen quite a few posts recently in which people think being gay would be easier, for whatever reason. i have bad news for you there - it’s not. it’s not harder either. just different. being gay doesn’t make doubts go away, and you’ll find yourself in similar phases, just with different concerns on your mind. yes, you would know which gender you date, so that would make that choice easier - but really don’t underestimate the societal pressure that comes with refusing to date men altogether. being gay unfortunately wouldn’t be a fix for your doubts. it doesn’t suddenly make these phases where you doubt everything stop. if only!

 

I have, at times, had similar thoughts. I’m more straight leaning and more attracted to women, but sometimes it shifts more toward guys. I used to think it would be easier to be one or the other. Currently, I seem to be in a comfort zone, where I’m still more attracted to women, but my attraction to guys is still there. It’s sort of like my naughty little secret. I don’t do anything about it, but it gives me a thrill to check guys out and fantasize. The same way I do with women I guess. I have no idea what the future will bring, but for now I’m happy to have found a settled place

 

Hello, I am also a bisexual, and I totally get you. For me, I often find that I switch from gay to straight, with no in between, and it is so frustrating. I get scared that if I end up in a relationship, my sexuality will suddenly change and I will find myself not attracted to my partner. For me, its a pretty scary thought. Honestly, in my time of identifying as bi (about four years) I’ve found that it is usefull to just not care. You know, go with the flow. In this world, it really doesn’t matter what you identify as, so don’t worry if you find more than one gender attractive. It doesnt matter as long as your happy with who you end up with.

 

I am also bisexual but I've never struggled like this. That doesn't mean it's not common of course, I've seen plenty of people doubting their orientation even after years of "certainty".

If I were to guess I'd say it's the very prejudice of bisexuality that makes you dislike it and you've been struggling like this for quite some time.

I'd say that's because of the uncertainty you are experiencing. Who you will end with, with who you should end up with, how to choose etc. It's only logical you want ot get rid of that thus your mind calls for the most logical solution - an absolute choice. Unfortunately it's not that simple, you said yourself you have feelings for both genders. Denying one of them would only send you back to the beggining and essentially wouldn't do anything good. My advice would be to slow down and simply meet people who you find likeable regardless of their gender.

Believe me there is plenty of guys who are into masculine girls. Well maybe they are harder to find but they are there. Also as @tystnad mentioned above being gay wouldn't make anyting easier, that's just a false impression or maybe hope.

 

You can almost track my preferences by my presence on this forum. When I’m feeling more into guys, I tend to spend more time here, when I’m not, I go away. Often that can last a month or more. Right now, my gay feelings are starting to subside a little, so I may not be around for awhile. When that happens I almost feel straight. Not quite, but almost. Well, a straight guy who likes penis anyway

 

Absolutely. i’m mostly androgynous in my presentation, probably closer to masculine than feminine if i must name it anything (i actually prefer just calling my gender presentation “obviously gay and not for the male gaze at all”), and i’ve had guys hit on me - it was the last thing I wanted but it does happen. Truly, it doesn’t matter how you look - there’s always someone out there for you imo. They might be a little harder to find than just walking into your local bar but they do exist.

by the way, OP, you called bisexuality an “in-between statistic” but i want to stress it’s a completely valid sexuality in its own right. i don’t actually like the discussion of sexuality as a sort of linear spectrum with straight on the one extreme and gay on the other, because it sorts of creates the impression that bisexuality is no more than a little bit of both, when really it is a completely valid sexuality that comes with its own unique characteristics and struggles, different from hetero- or homosexuality. it is as real a sexuality as being gay or straight - not just an “in-between statistic”. don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

 

I'm someone who has periods of fluctuating sexuality. Just that nothing ever gets fulfilled because I'm sort of a shut-in and I don't want to bother people by being socially inept--I am a high-functioning autistic as well. For now, I'm strongly focused on women, but it could go for men when/if I meet a man that I end up clicking with. At this point, I've just stopped trying to expect logical sense from my emotions and how they link to my sexuality. Any time one applies logic, it can throw a curveball. So I'm better off going with the flow.

 

I honestly think it's a form of biphobia. We were raised to grow up straight which also means monosexual...

Yes, absolutely.

No, I don't think so. Life circumstances can make you think you're gay or straight for a period of time especially if you're bisexual.

Why do you want to choose? Why don't you just live your life? You'll fall in love eventually, does it matter if the person you're in love with is a man or a woman?

Of course only you can know if you're gay or not but I don't think you are.

Concerning your appearance, I'm pretty sure it doesn't put all men off. Some women (myself included) are into feminine men. And although I don't think of myself as butch I know I sometimes behave in a masculine way (I have a gay walk for example) and I have a straight boyfriend.

I also wished I was gay at some point (due to life circumstances again) but the truth is I'm not.

 

It's part of being bi and there's nothing wrong with you. Once you accept it's part of being bi then it will be ok. I don't really think it's that different that what a straight or gay guy goes through in trying to figure out what type of person they want or what happens if they chose a redhead then want a blonde or the gay guy who might worry about wanting a different type of guy.
I think we as bi guys will date who we want until we find the right girl or guy. And like gay or straight guys when we find the person that we fall in love with then that's the person we love and we will have no desire to change or want the other gender.
Hope this makes sense.

 

Checking in to say I relate to it being confusing. It can be hard to know what you want in each moment when it seems to change by the day! It can also be frustrating too because we live in a world of absolutes, and we have to struggle to coexist in this in between space. But whenever I get down about my attractions being wacky, I try to remind myself that really, being the way I am is a gift. It is really wonderful to have so much choice, so many possibilities for love and happiness. So many more that I would not have had had I been straight. So when I feel overwhelmed I try to just let go. I deliberately not think about my sexuality and interestingly, when I do that, it usually even backs out on its own. We need to trust our instincts more and just go with what feels right in this moment.

 

I think it's human nature to want definite answers. Most of us don't like to feel in a state of flux with anything and I'm very sympathetic towards bisexual people, like you, who'd prefer to have certainty about their sexuality.

Truth is, few things in life are 100% certain and there is no reason why our sexuality should be one of the things that is. That's not to say that we are all bisexual or in a state of fluidity with our sexuality, it's just an acknowledgement that we don't fit into neat little pigeon holes, and sit at the extreme ends of Kinsey's famous scale. Some of us might prefer to kid ourselves about that fact, but on a personal level, I'm quite happy about it. I hope you can reach a place of happiness too Ruby Dragon.

 

Ruby dragon I can relate, I identify as bisexual but I feel like I lean more towards men. When I came out to my immediate family and a few friends everyone was telling me that I needed to pick one side and that they felt that I was still trying to cling to the thread of heterosexuality that I had left. And for some people that may be the case and for awhile I thought they were right but I legitimately have attractions to woman, yes not as strong as men but they are there. And lately my attraction to woman has been on an upswing, and that has been confusing because I don't know why that is. I think the best thing to do is be honest with yourself first and be honest with the person your in a relationship with. If you attracted to someone your attracted to that person and you just have to let things play out. Hope that helps