Moderators, I am not sure if this post should go in Sexual Orientation or Coming Out, feel free to move it! I am so confused! I guess this means I am bisexual, although I really don't know what to think because I was quite sure I was gay when I came out, even though I had already dated men and never women. It just never worked for me to be physical with the men I dated, even though I liked them as people, and I found myself attracted to women often, although I never had the courage/possibility to act on it. It took me several years from the time I started questioning until the time I came out to my parents and friends, and I only did it gradually and when I felt certain. At first I just said "not-straight" but then I became increasingly sure and started telling everyone I was gay. I have not been in a serious relationship with either gender, so I have had to rely on my feelings/crushes rather than lots of physical experience, but I was as certain as I could be at the time. And now I met this one guy and everything is different! Still no experience (although I think he might like me back), so I am again basing this only on my feelings around him. We have only known each other a couple of days, but I feel very strong crush feelings for him, which was really surprising. I have never, ever felt this way about a guy before, including the guys I dated. It just came out of nowhere. So my question is, has anyone else here had to come out twice? And how did you do it? And did you manage it without being an emotional mess? I am so confused right now, and I also feel so stupid and angry with myself for having come out and now it isn't right!!! And weirdly, I am sad that I might not be gay anymore--I had just recently in the last couple of months finally accepted it and gotten excited about it, and felt comfortable talking to even my non-close friends about it, and really started to feel accepted in the community, and finally found good ways locally to meet girls and date. I was so happy! It took me so long to get there, but I was finally happy with myself and my situation, and optimistic about the future. When I start to think about that, then I start to wonder if maybe I still am gay after all and I am just making a mistake or misjudging my feelings. Especially when I don't know him well and we have had so little time together. And yet, I felt nervous around him all the time I was around him, and every time he texts me my heart stops. It all happened so fast and it was SO unexpected! It's terrible!!! So far, I told a couple of my really close friends about my surprising crush, and they took it fine, but my mom is kind of freaking out. She was very supportive the first time when I told her I was gay, but now I think she doubts everything I am saying and wants to put me in either the gay box or the straight box. I can't blame her for doubting me! Maybe I shouldn't have said anything until I was more sure, but I just couldn't keep it to myself, and I thought maybe she would be happy since I know she would rather I be with a guy. I think being bisexual is something I do not want to accept because I knew it would be harder to understand, and now I am right, and she is feeling very confused about it. When I came out as gay I offered her some literature but she said she didn't need it. Today when I talked to her, though, she said she needs a book about bisexuality. Does anyone have any recommendations? I am also worried about telling my not-as-close friends. What will they think of me? I am sure they will think I am so stupid! How could I have screwed up like that and misjudged everything so much? What is wrong with me? Maybe they will think I made the whole thing up! But really I am attracted to women, I don't think being attracted to this one guy changes that. I want to be happy that I finally like someone, and there is some hope my feelings are returned which should make me feel really wonderful, and I should even feel grateful that I at least made a new, and hopefully close, friend, but this situation feels like so much more than that and it is really making me overwhelmed. Thanks so much for reading!
Hello there. I came out as bisexual to my mother a few years ago. This November I came out to her as possibly just gay/lesbian. The first time she was dismissing and this time she said I don't know what I am, so I shouldn't bother her until I figure it out because it hurts her to hear me say I'm gay. So in a way I'm in the opposite situation to yours, yet it's similar. And after a lot of self-reflection, I figured I'm gay and that's it. And I don't have the courage to tell her I'm gay. I've mentioned many times I know what I am now but she hasn't bothered to ask for some reason. Could it be that what you're experiencing is more of a new person kind of excitement?
Hey! First of all, please stop beating yourself up so much! Figuring out your sexuality can be really confusing, especially because (I believe) it is fluid. It's certainly not an uncommon thing to go through, so you shouldn't feel stupid. The first person I came out to was my sister, and when I did, I came out as bisexual. Actually, my exact words were "I think I''m bi,", so I didn't really know what I was either, but I felt like I had to tell someone I was questioning. Since then, I've decided that gay is the more accurate term. I've kept her updated on my thought process, and now she knows that I identify as gay. I also came out to my mom, and when I told her, I simply said I was "questioning my sexuality", but I was pretty sure I'm gay. So you're definitely not alone in changing how you identify, and it's not a bad thing. And I don't think you made a mistake in telling your mom how you feel. Your family is supposed to be there to support you- you shouldn't feel like you have to hide your thoughts. Your mom may be having trouble grasping bisexuality, but frankly, that's her issue, not yours. A couple other things: first, being bisexual doesn't necessarily mean you're 50/50. You can just have a preference towards girls. Second, you don't have to feel pressured to label yourself. A lot of people don't like to and just say they're queer, which is basically an umbrella term that says you're not straight. Third, I totally get the whole thing about losing a sense of community. I've come a long way since questioning my sexuality in accepting myself and who I am. I feel so much pride in being part of the LGBT community- I wouldn't change if I had the option. But just as you accepted being gay, you can accept being bi. It might take time, but I can assure you that you will find a community and sense of pride like you did before. We are the LGBT community after all, not just the gay community or bisexual community. And lastly, about your friends, I think the worst-case scenario you'll get with them is one similar to that of your mom. If they accepted you as gay, they might be more confused about you being bi, but I don't see them having a problem with it. And if they do, they're not really your friends. The best way to handle anyone who doesn't understand bisexuality is to try and educate them- hopefully they're willing to learn and be open-minded. And you don't need to complicate things; just explain how you feel. Also, I'd like to throw out that you don't have to come out. You don't owe anyone anything. You can just be yourself, not hiding your sexuality. Just normalize it and they'll get the point. That might be easier and take some of the pressure off of trying to label yourself. But if you want to come out, that's fine too. Just throwing out an option.
