Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and I'm turning here because I need some support and advice. I'm pretty lost and depressed and I know my sexuality is the underlying cause of this. I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was raised in a strict Irish Catholic family that doesn't even believe in birth control use, much less accepting LGBTQ+ individuals. I went to Catholic school with nuns for 14 years. Growing up, I never really had any interest in guys and didn't date until college. Since I was about 7 years old, I hated dresses and being feminine, and even today like wearing suits when everyone else wearing dresses. Despite not knowing really that it was possible for a woman to be in love with another woman, I had mad crushes on Keira Knightly and Demi Moore in middle school, but always thought I just wanted to look like them, not be with them. College rolled around and I really still had no interest in guys, but continued to have these pseudo-crushes on women. I played a sport in college and was always a super jock. After college, about 4 years ago, I started dating an awesome guy. He and I never fight, he is my best friend, and we do everything together. My mom hates him, but he is a great guy. All the things other girls complain about their boyfriends never comes up. However, I hate having sex with him and hate touching his junk. I love being around him, but hate that aspect. About 2 years ago, I realized that the women I thought were beautiful I did not want to be like, but rather I wanted to be with them. I came out as bisexual to my boyfriend. He was accepting of it. However, I have come to realize that I don't really like men. I never look at them as attractive, and find myself checking out their wives instead. I hooked up with a girl last year and felt things I never felt with a guy. As I look back on my life, I think I have always been in love with women - the way they look, the way they talk, the way they are different than men. I am starting to envision myself with a woman. I guess I am in shock at myself. I am afraid of this, honestly. No one in my family is or has been openly gay. I am already the weirdo of the family. They are conservative snobs and my mother is especially hateful of anything borderline outside of their world. I'm not even allowed to watch any TV at home that has LGBT+ themes/individuals. My mother tells me all the time how disgusting gay people are. She tells me gay people are going to hell and it is against my religion and was so angry when I went to Pride this eyar. She has no idea my inner turmoil and just sees my rage and depression. This is painful to me. I love my mother and don't want to lose her. I also don't want to lose my boyfriend in my life, and I am scared to break up with him. He is my best friend and biggest ally. I am scared I am making a mistake and if I break up with him, I will lose the best thing in my life and I will find that I don't actually like women. My anxiety and depression gets worse by the day. The darkness closes in hard sometimes despite being on medication. I am angry for absolutely no reason throughout the day and people don't understand it. I would appreciate any advice or help anyone has. Thanks in advance.
Based on how your boyfriend reacted when you thought you were bi, I'd say he'd be more than willing to just be your friend, as long as you told him the truth. Be honest with him: if you try to lie and pretend to be someone you aren't, it will just end in a mess of hurt feelings all around - I know from experience. I don't know what to tell you about your family though, I've always lived in a very open and accepting community, but there are many others here who have struggled with religious families such as yours who would be more than willing to share their experience and knowledge with you.
To me it sounds like you don't want to be with your boyfriend. How you choose to define your sexuality is a separate issue from this. Really instead of chasing all these thoughts around your head you need to take a good look at yourself and ask, do I want to stay with him or not? And be honest. Don't say yes if that's not what you want. Don't do it to please others, or to make him happy, because in the long run, cutting him loose, though it will be hard at first, is actually you giving him a gift. The gift of an opportunity to find someone new. You both deserve to be happy. Too many people think that to stay with someone they don't love spares their feelings, but in reality you are actually preventing them from finding real love. A love with someone who is as crazy about them as they are about them. Obviously, no one means to do this, their intentions are usually selfless, but that's what can happen if you don't part and go your separate ways. So I think you should let him go and the reevaluate and find what you need to make you happy.
Hey there. Your situation is tough. If your mind tells you it might be that you're not really into women and might regret leaving your boyfriend, think of the alternative: How would you feel when in say 5 years from now, people start pushing you two to get married? How does the thought of having not just your fiance's feelings to deal with but also children to take care of feel? How does the thought of never being able to touch another woman sexually without having an affair sound to you? If the answers to these questions seem like imagining living in hell, then you have all the answers you need. Apparently, only you can know how you want to live your life. I don't know your mother, I don't know any of your relatives. However living the life of someone else isn't something I'd recommend, unless your life's in danger. I know what you're going through is scary. I think your worst enemy here is your mind, that's trying to force you in a life you don't want. I don't think you can ever repress these feelings about women, usually the more we try to repress something, the more it takes control over our lives. I'm not suggesting coming out to anyone at this point. What you sound like you need is to stop beating yourself up for not being straight. You probably feel like you owe things to your mother, your relatives, your boyfriend. But if it's a lie, is it truly a 'sacred' duty? I don't have any answers for you. Just a few thoughts to share. I hope you find the strength to believe in yourself first and foremost. Nobody else can do it for you.
I just wanted to come back after all these months and say thank you so much for everyone's advice here. It really helped me think through things and make a decision. It took me some time to act on it, but I did. I had a long discussion with my boyfriend and came out to him completely. I really did some self contemplation and realized I really wasn't attracted to men either in mind or body. He was understanding and we broke up. We are still very good friends. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from me. He actually called me a few days ago to tell me he is also questioning his own sexuality. So it was pretty obvious our relationship was more like a friendship on both sides. I came out to a few younger family members who were not at all surprised and thought it was awesome. I've now gone on 6 dates with a really cool girl and I kissed her last date. It was incredible, and felt so easy and right. I don't know where things will go, but I'm just happy. Not repressing is awesome. I have no idea what still to do about my mom. At this point, I'm not in a good position to come out. She did yell at me a few weeks ago saying I dressed like a "big, fat, gay dyke" (her words, not mine). The usual, gay people are going to hell, etc. Her best friend, who is a mirror image of her, her daughter came out a few weeks ago and she won't let off it. I think she may have a clue about me, and is trying to push me towards what she wants. But I've been asserting my self identity bit by bit, which is really hard, but necessary. I can't thank everyone enough for your words of support and advice. Strength in numbers.
