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How do you make friends as an adult?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by kayteaugh, Jul 29, 2018.

  1. kayteaugh

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    Seriously, I'm having a hard time. It seems like most adult friends are preoccupied with life but how do you find and make friends with people who will actually hang out? I moved to my area a couple years ago, and really only have one friend. Most of them are virtual or out-of-state. How do I make friends with those around me?
     
  2. SemiCharmedLife

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    What do you like to do?

    Join a sports league, take a class, volunteer, go to young professionals networking events. It helps to be in the same place with the same people repeatedly so you can build that momentum for interactions, and then see if people want to hang out before or after.
     
  3. SpTara

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    You know what? My girlfriend and I ask ourselves the same question. We moved to our current location a year ago and we are finding it very difficult, we started to play soccer with a group of lesbians so we would have a few things in common... But still it is difficult, even though we have met a few nice people I´d say even more when we are from different cultures.

    Another thing is that I guess when we get older, we don´t take **** from people and become more picky than when we were younger.
     
    #3 SpTara, Jul 30, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
  4. BMC77

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    This is something I struggled with for years. Unfortunately, I never came up with any solutions. I finally just quit--the battle of trying to make friends was just too draining.

    My situation, though, was made harder by a number of factors--where I live (it seems to be hard making friends in the Seattle area--several people have commented on that to me), and some practical issues make it hard for me to get to settings where one might have a chance of meeting people. I rely on bus service for transportation, which is hugely limiting, and my white trash budget means I need to find places/events that will cost as close to $0 as possible.
     
  5. Devil Dave

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    It is bloody difficult. I found making friends hard enough when I was a kid and constantly surrounded by people my own age with the same amount of free time I had. Now I'm an adult and everyone works different hours and has different commitments.

    I do think its important to join a group or class that's dedicated to a hobby or interest such as art or books or sport or dance or some other leisure activity. Other people will be making the effort to get there, and it is more convenient for them to meet up at a social gathering or class rather than meeting up with one stranger. So do look into these options.

    Going out on your own is a bad idea. Unless your are actually planning to just have a good time in your own company, but if you're planning to make friends, then make sure it's an event that has been set up for first time joiners where you will be welcomed by organizers and other members. Going out somewhere and trying to chat to complete strangers who haven't invited you over or made any plans to meet you is very daunting, and you will either look like a weirdo or attract weirdos.
     
  6. OGS

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    I think a lot of times one of the difficulties with making new friends as an adult comes down to the fact that you sort of have a routine, a way you do things and it's easy to start thinking of that as "plans" when it really isn't. In thinking about responding to this thread it occurred to me that I had actually turned down five invitations to hang out with people from work over the last few weeks. When I say it just occurred to me it's because in all five instances I never actually considered saying yes. Now from that statement you might think I don't like my colleagues at work--I actually do. It's just that none of the invitations fit. In four instances I didn't go because I had "plans"--no actual plans, just the stuff that I do after work, e.g. I can't go because my husband's picking me up after work (well, he was picking me up because he's working south of downtown that day and it's on his way--it's not like he would have thought twice had I called and said I'll make my own way home because I'm going out with coworkers for a while). The fifth was because it was karaoke, ick! Well, the fact of the matter is that no one I even know actually did the karaoke and it sounds like everyone had a great time--and actually met a group of people that because of the odd structure of how our firm works I interact with regularly by phone and email but have never actually met.

    I guess what I'm saying is if making friends is a priority make it a priority. As adults it's really easy to feel like things just aren't convenient. I have my whole day mapped out each day--I always have plans even if I don't really have plans. Break out of that to say yes when opportunities arise. You never know who else might be there or what fabulous friends the sort of bland guy in the next office might have. Plus you want it out there that you do stuff to make sure the invitations keep coming. As I write this I'm realizing that I may have to do something to make sure that people at work know I would like to hang out with them--I mean I have a pretty active friend group but I'm always up for more. I'm still fairly new at this office and right about now people might be deciding I'm just not interested. It's really easy to become that guy without even trying--I guess I have to get out there and try a bit.
     
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  7. alwaysforever

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    Welcome to late-stage capitalism. People are running around working three jobs. They don't have time or energy for much social activity. Unfortunately this is the day to day reality for most of the United States. Wages aren't keeping up with the cost of living. Almost every worker is in the service industry and makes below poverty level income, if they get full time hours at all. Also, people are encouraged to live in a nuclear family structure; the easiest family unit to isolate and the one that is most vulnerable to financial or resource crisis. In short, the way our culture is set up makes making and keeping friendships alive very difficult.
     
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  8. OnTheHighway

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    I recently relocated to a new city, I also recently divorced my husband where my friends were his friends. So I found myself in need of establishing a new social circle. And I did something pretty straight forward, I created profiles on dating apps being very clear that I am not looking for sex and am only interested in making real connections. I then went on “friendship” dates. After a few months, and kissing a lot of frogs, I am now starting to make real friends. People I can confide in and people whom trust me to confide in me. It’s not a perfect approach, I have to deal with a lot of inefficiencies from people with different expectations. But I am now starting to grow real roots where I live with people I do consider real friends.
     
    #8 OnTheHighway, Aug 7, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
  9. resu

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    Find a class or group that you have been or were a little interested in and join them. In my case, I go to a ceramics class and traditional archery practice usually every week. Also, if you enjoy something like concerts, art, sports, yoga, etc., find ways to be involved even if you're not a pro: so many organizations are looking for volunteers.
     
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  10. kayteaugh

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    That's something I initially did because I was searching for friendships and something more (if it were to happen). I made one friendship which sort of faded, most of them remained virtual, and then I deleted my account because I now have a girlfriend. I really want to do that again but then I'm concerned that'll seem like I'm interested in finding people more than just friends. I also joined meetup and am actively looking for my related interests. The first event isn't for another week and half. I'm just tired of work, errands, and school being my life. I want something to spice it up and something exciting to look forward to. I want friends lol. & I'm also feeling sort of left out since my girlfriend is LDR and constantly working, and when she has time, it doesn't seem like she wants to spend any of it with me :/ That's a whole other story, I just want to find something fun to do with people who I can get along with and hang out with. I'm really interested in live music, concerts, shows, and that sort of thing. It's just hard to find people who are into the same things that actually want to be friends.