First of all, excuse me for my crappy English, it's not my native language. I hope it's not that much of a problem. I've been out for a good 2 years now. I have gotten normal and good reactions mostly, I just ignore the bad ones. But I just can't deal with the fact that I'm gay anymore. It controls my whole life and it's horrible, I can't take it anymore. The fact of me being gay haunts my brain every second of the day and affects very simple things. I'm not confident at all, I've never been. Going out with friends is a thing, I love it but there is this constant voice in my head reminding me I'm gay and that I need to act normal and just watch out. It's just one small example. it feels like I'm not normal nor natural. I always feel different, just wishing I was straight so life would be easier for me. sometimes I think I'm not really made for this world. Things are too much for me to handle, It's a thing I've accepted through the last couple of years. Having crushes on straight guys, after which a broken heart will hit me. It's hard for me to trust guys and have friendly relationships with them. Firstly I'm afraid I will get feelings for them, or that things get awkward. I feel empty and helpless. When friends are talking about their love lives I just can't help but feel different. And it's killing me. That's why I came here, hoping something or someone can help me.
I think you writting is fine and i can read well. Do you think that the reason you don´t feel normal & natural is because of the straigh-only enviorment you grew up in? About feeling unatural: Have you not a friend or family member you feel like you can talk about it? If not seek out for professional help with mental health experience, because it sounds like you have serious depression. What happened before that gave so many negative emotion when socialising with other guys? I´m only asking to give the best help if you want it. If those topics drag you down, have you considering asking them not to talk about dating&co. with you? If they are real friends they would understand and respect you request. Do you have any lgbt friends you can talk about those stuff?
