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Turned 30 and I am still single

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by LonelyEyesMark, Aug 6, 2018.

  1. LonelyEyesMark

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    My 20's are gone for good now. What should've been my best years were the worst I've lived through; I don't even know why I am still alive. I didn't date in high school and I hoped maybe my 20's would be better but I am just as clueless and discouraged as I was when I was in my teens. A part of me wants to know if I still have time to find a partner despite my inexperience but I largely feel like I am doomed to singlehood for the rest of my life.

    For those who don't know me, I am a straight male with Aspergers but I was called gay in my teens because I didn't have a girlfriend and wasn't an aggressive iron pumping alpha male.
     
  2. Devil Dave

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    I'm 34 and always been single. A lot of people have reacted negatively when I've told them I have never had a relationship, but I don't care. I am happy. I don't need a partner in my life to "fix" me. There have been people that I liked who didn't like me back, and that's my problem, not anybody else's. I've dealt with my lack of romance in my own way, I don't need people feeling sorry for me and trying to encourage me to hookup with someone. It is not helpful when somebody assumes that I am unhappy just because I don't have a partner. Would they rather see me in a relationship with someone who treats me badly, than not be in a relationship at all?

    Having a relationship is not everything. Think about other things that you want in life.
     
  3. HeFleBiGen

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    Now you're making me feel better about being single!

    All joking aside, I would try dating sites and keep looking around until you find someone who makes you happy as hell.

    You still have time left, don't sweat it.
     
  4. wickedwitch

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    @Markness:


    "Clueless" means lacking skills. "Discouraged" happens because of lacking skills. So learn the skills! :slight_smile:

    There are lots of sites on the web with dating advice for people with Aspergers. As well, there are some basic relationship skills that everybody needs to know: how to set and maintain boundaries, how to communicate assertively, how to define the relationship, how to detach from other people's behaviour. There are lots of books and sites that can help with these.

    Hope this helps.
     
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  5. LonelyEyesMark

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    People tell me I give off an 'air' of desperation because I am always looking and wondering if I will ever have a girlfriend. It's a combination of feeling like I am missing out and fear that there won't be anymore single girls because young people in my area tend to date and marry really early. I just don't know how to be okay with being single. I fear if I let it go, all the years of struggling will be in vain.
     
  6. Devil Dave

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    Again, what do you want in life besides a relationship? A new career? A new house? Are there places you'd like to travel to? Any hobbies you'd like to pursue? It can be anything, big or small. There must be other things that make you happy. I've seen people prioritize getting a girlfriend over focusing on their own personal goals and aspirations, even just getting a job, and it didn't go well. They ended up being in unhappy relationships and losing their confidence. So start telling us about things you want besides a girlfriend.
     
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  7. LonelyEyesMark

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    I used to dream about playing music professionally, drawing cool art for things like comics or video games, and maybe even writing books. I didn't want to work myself to death like the rednecks in my area do or go into a job I don't enjoy only just because it gives me a huge income like my parents do. I wanted to do something different and in accordance to my life values. But both my family and the culture I live in sabotaged me.
     
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  8. Mirko

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    Hi there! In many ways, being single gives you the opportunity to ask yourself, 'what would you like to do?' without needing to take into account the needs of a boyfriend or indeed a relationship as a whole. In essence this is the time to pursue the things you feel you never had a chance to but still would like to do.

    Think about your life values, how they fit in, in your current situation, and try to use them as a starting point in working towards the things you would like to accomplish. Perhaps set yourself some goals - for example, joining a writing group, and/or an art group - that could help you to get started on things. If a relationship happens while you are working on your goals, that's an added bonus.

    I'd agree with Nice Dave that prioritising needing to have a relationship/wanting a girlfriend over your personal life goals, could have (potentially) the opposite effect on what you want to achieve. Being in a relationship, and while you might still be able to achieve some of your goals or the things you want to achieve, you might not be able to achieve the things that are personally important to you as once you are in a relationship, other things will take priority. Life starts taking different turns and bends in the road. The question then becomes, are you going to be okay with that? From what you have mentioned thus far, it would be good to think about it/consider it.
     
  9. Emmanuella

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    Hey there! I'm also perpetually single and just feeling sad right now. I've dated in the past, but nothing long term.
     
  10. Devil Dave

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    It's great that you have those kinds of interests. They can be difficult to succeed with, however, especially if you live in an area where there are not a lot of work opportunities involving those sorts of skills. So its likely that you will have to work a boring regular job (if you don't already) in order to support yourself while working on artistic projects in your spare time, or else looking at courses at colleges where you can study those sorts of things.

    It could be that the ideal woman for you is an aspiring artist or songwriter, and your chance to meet here will come up when you start pursuing your own artistic goals. Or it could be that she's a geeky girl working in a coffee shop who really likes video games, and will support your interests in art and music. I don't know, I don't want to paint a fairy tale for you. But I do think you should focus on things that you want besides getting a girlfriend. If people think you come across as "desperate" it's probably because you spend too much time worrying about being single. I think if you start putting more thought into your hobbies and interests and possible career goals, then you won't seem desperate to get a girlfriend. You'll seem more determined to achieve other things.
     
  11. LaurenSkye

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    I'm very similar except for the fact that I am 37 and I am bisexual. I was teased a lot and called gay in high school and even college because I wasn't athletic and wasn't very muscular. I was unaware of my sexuality until later in my college years. I have also been single for my whole life except for a couple of girlfriends I had first in fourth grade, and then in eighth grade. The biggest thing I worry about with finding someone is my lack of a job or job history. It's kind of an elephant in the room. But, I also worry a lot about my lack of sexual and romantic experience. I'm a virgin with both sexes. Never been on a date. Never kissed a girl or guy. I personally have just about given up on ever finding a boyfriend/girlfriend, which doesn't mean that you should, though.
     
  12. LonelyEyesMark

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    I've worked at the public library since 2006. It's been the only job I've had in my life but I have not stayed on it because I like it. I honestly hate it but I am stuck with it because it's my only source of income. You'd think it would be an intellectual environment but it is not. For a library, it's very loud, dirty, and the general clientele is the lowest common denominator. People gabber on their cellphones, homeless people hang out and deal drugs as well as fight or harass staff, and there are cliques among workers.

    The local college also sucks. I've dropped out multiple times due to disappointing experiences.
     
  13. Mirko

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    Hi there! Given your responses thus far, and the situation you are finding yourself in, I wonder - how would you feel about trying to look for a job in a different city that might also have a better educational institution and more opportunities, generally speaking?
     
  14. LonelyEyesMark

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    I would move if I had more money and more support from my family.

    I've actually been told to focus on hook ups rather than dates but even those are unreachable for me. Unless you drink beer until you pass out or vomit everywhere, smoke until your nostrils burn, pump iron to the point it shreds your muscles, call people you don't like homophobic words, drive your car like you are in a racing video game, and treat women like sex toys, the hook up scene is inaccessible.
     
  15. Mirko

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    It's good that you are not resorting to hookups because, and as you know, they are not the answer to finding someone for the long term or indeed someone who is as serious about building a relationship as you are.

    Have you by chance tired applying to jobs in other cities? If an employer is interested in what you could bring to an organisation there is a chance they might do a Skype interview with you or it could be one of the options.

    Reflecting on your posts and reading one of your previous threads, I wonder if a scenery change and some time away from your family would help not only in how you feel about the future but also give you a chance to get to know new people.
     
  16. Devil Dave

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    I'm sorry to hear you have such a horrible library. Like Mirko has suggested, could you perhaps look for work in another library or similar job in another town? You have the experience and qualification, and so doing the same job in a different location could be good for you.

    I know you hate the job, but it sounds like you hate it more because of the people and the area the library is in, rather than the actual work. So if you do decide to look for a similar job elsewhere, and you get an interview, avoid saying all the negative things about your past work, try and bring positivity out of it. So you've worked there for there for 12 years; that shows you are loyal to the company you work for and that you are a reliable and dedicated worker. And you are now ready for a change of scenery and a new challenge working alongside new people.

    Make it seem like you are excited about the prospect of taking your skills to a new working environment, rather than desperate to get out of a horrible situation. Don't bring up all the grubby details about the previous job until you've actually started a new job and got to know the new co-workers a bit better - then you can share all the nasty stories with them, and they might have their own nasty stories to tell you about their previous jobs. Having a crap job now can be good workplace banter in your next job.

    And to be honest, you can apply this sort of approach to dating. When it comes to contacting a potential date, don't bring up all your negative thoughts and experiences straight away. Talk about yourself in a positive manner. Your interests and aspirations, the things that make you happy and feel better when you're having a crap day. This brings me to your other comment:

    You don't have big muscles - so what? You have better things to do with your time than slave away in a sweaty gym. You like using your brain for creative projects, and you care about your body enough not to pollute it with smoking, drugs and excessive amounts of alcohol. You like to stay sober when you go out so you can get home safely and look out for your friends and avoid any conflict or embarrassment. You drive responsibly and you don't treat women like sex toys because you like women who care about themselves and don't allow men to make their decisions for them.

    Instead of thinking about yourself in a negative manner because you don't have what the other guys have, think about what you have that the other guys don't have. These are things that make you unique and interesting. Because from reading all your comments, I don't think any of your shortcomings are actually your shortcomings. They are your strengths.