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Husband found out I'm in love with my female friend. Advice?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SweetT80, Aug 4, 2018.

  1. SweetT80

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    So my husband went through my phone without my knowledge and saw text messages I sent for the past few months to my coworker friend. It started as a normal friendship and I started to fall in love after 6 months. I had no idea what I was feeling at first. I'm still processing this all. My friend never said she felt the same but didn't deny them either. We kissed twice. Just a peck kiss!

    Anyway I'm numb. We have been married 9 years. 2 kids 4 and 7. I'm still figuring out my same sex desires. Not sure where to go from here. Not crying about it because it needed to come out. Just not this way. I love my husband, but I must be missing something to do this. This is my 2nd time cheating. 1st was with an ex boyfriend.

    Also he always wanted to have 3somes or do the swingers thing, but after this he texted my friends husband and told him everthing.

    Just need support or advice. Thanks.
     
  2. YeahpIdk

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    Ouch. First, I don't know, actually. I really want to say that cheating is a horrible thing. It just kills people when they're on the other end. You will likely have ruined your husband's trust for years to come, even with other people, but especially with you.

    If you've cheated twice now, you definitely are missing something. If it's not in your relationship with your husband, then it's within yourself. You really need to figure that out first and foremost, so you won't do this to him again (with the assumption that he'll stay with you/you want to stay with him) or anyone else.

    I would seek counseling if you haven't already, by yourself, and then with him if he wants to. Take a break if you can. As in, be physically apart if it's possible for a day or two where you dedicate that day solely to thinking about what you want, and what they may want now.

    I can't give much more advice. ;/
     
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  3. Nickw

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    Hi

    I agree with a lot of what Yeahpidk wrote. Especially, about the counseling. Maybe marriage counseling???

    Where I diverge a bit is the characterization of "cheating". I think this is more of a gray area with same sex relationships vs opposite sex relationships. Don't get me wrong. I never was with a man because to me it was cheating. But, my wife sees it differently. She doesn't consider my same sex desires that same way as opposite sex desires.

    Your husband probably feels betrayed. But, I think it might be really good to know if this is because you were unfaithful or if is was the dishonesty (too strong a word really) with letting him know your sexuality.

    Counseling may bring this out.
     
    #3 Nickw, Aug 5, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2018
  4. YeahpIdk

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    There is no "gray area" just because the cheating was same sex. That totally deligitimizes same sex love and attraction:
    DUDE: I don't care if my wife screws chicks because that's hot and I'd love to join/think about it while we're screwing and I wank off so it doesn't count.

    Saying that same sex intimate interactions aren't real cheating just because they're same sex makes a mockery of homosexuality and purely sexualizes it -- that's what the world does to us, so there's no space for it in the community. It's also kind of infantilizing. They're just messing around! It's not a threat to me!

    OP, you said you are "In Love" with your female friend. When you are married, and not in an open/poly marriage where everyone agrees that other relationships outside of yours are what's being co-signed, it is 100% cheating. Even if you didn't "love" this friend, and were just kissing buddies -- if this isn't a term agreed to in your marriage, then you're cheating. If it's going behind their back because you know it would hurt them and it's inappropriate, then you're cheating. Emotionally cheating. Physically cheating. If you're hiding it, then it's something you know you shouldn't be doing. You know it. You're sad about it, and now you both have to figure out where to go from here.

    I've never cheated on anyone in an adult relationship, so I don't understand what exactly goes into the thought process behind it, but I wish you and everyone involved luck. Life's not fucking easy. That's the only thing I know for sure.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Gosh Yeahpidk

    I couldn't disagree with you more. It really depends on how the OP's husband feels about this.

    I don't know if the the OP is bisexual or gay. She does identity as "straight but curious". All I know, as a bisexual, is that I feel a different sort of love and desire for a man than I do for a woman. That doesn't mean that either is less important or real than the other. I know my wife understands this and respects this. This isn't a mockery of homosexuality. But, not recognizing that some bisexuals may feel differently towards same sex and opposite sex is applying your interpretation of sexuality to others. I sort of find this a form of bisexual erasure. That a bisexual must feel the same for someone of the same sex as he/she feels for someone of the opposite sex. I'm not willing to pigeonhole sexuality that way.

    The bottom line is that if the OP feels that this love is in competition with the love for her husband, and he feels the same, then, perhaps it is cheating. But, I also believe it is something that needs to be openly discussed before the behavior is condemned.
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    Yeah, @Nickw. I'm going to have to imagine that you're not fully reading any of these posts.

    The OP is saying that things have gone bad after her husband has become aware of their texting. She is numb. Things aren't good. While one reads those statements, one must come to the conclusion that her husband feels he's been cheated on.

    As well, I said, very clearly, that unless her husband is totally fine with her having same sex relationships outside of their marriage/opposite sex relationships outside of their marriage, then what she's doing is cheating. You can be any form or percentage of bisexual that you want, but you're actually the one who is applying your interpretation of your sexuality onto all of same sex couples just because you and your wife feel a certain way about homosexual sex. That's your truth, though. Not the majority of people in a same sex relationship, or opposite sex one. I know many people in both or all who would feel that your statement is an erasure of same sex romantic relationships, because they somehow don't count when you're in a heterosexual one?? Again, this is your truth. Clearly, it's not the OP's.

    Either way, we will have to agree to disagree.
     
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  7. Lin1

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    I totally agree with @Yeahpldk here.
    @Nickw, I find your minimising of same-sex relationships very offensive and actually think you are (ironically) erasing bisexuality by suggesting that same-sex desires for bisexuals aren't as strong or real as what we would feel for someone of the opposite sex making it less "legit" and "not cheating" ( I know you said it doesn't make it less real but your whole definition implies it). As a bisexual who is WAY more into women to the point of my attractrion to men being almost inexistant and irrelevant. I would still very much consider myself having sex with a man cheating if I was with a woman the same way I would if I was cheating on a man with a woman.

    Cheating is crossing boundaries by kissing, having sex, having an emotional affair etc... without your partner's knowledge or consent while in a monogamous relationship. That's cheating. The person's sexuality, views on his/her fluidity/feelings is irrelevant.

    It's clear from the OP's post that her husband considers it cheating and just not messing around which is GREAT because it means he acknowledges that encounters between two women are real and valid and requires the same amount of anger/sadness/grief/emotion that cheating with someone of the opposite sex would require.

    If your wife knows about your attraction to men and anything you might do with them and doesn't care then obviously you aren't cheating on her so it's normal you do not consider it cheating.

    To go back to the original post.

    The hurt is done OP, now it's about figuring out what you all want and how you all want to proceed (divorcing/staying together/trying things out with the other lady/opening up your marriage).

    Good luck OP and keep us updated!
     
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  8. OGS

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    SweetT80--So sorry this happened and I hope you can find some way through it. I feel bad for everyone involved, although I do laud you for looking for the root causes of this behavior rather than running from it....

    Nickw--I'm afraid I have to agree with YeahIdk on this one. The idea that what my husband and I have been doing for the last 20 years somehow doesn't rise to the level of reality or threat to constitute cheating simply because we're both guys seems more trivializing than pretty much any other way I've heard it characterized over that period. I mean I'm kind of past the idea of being truly offended by things said by people I don't really even know, but I do find it rather remarkable. I especially find it interesting that you seem to characterize it as a way that many/most? bisexuals may think about same sex relations. I don't know enough to know if that's true, but if it is I can see where some of the stereotypes regarding bisexuals (stereotypes which I had always rejected) might come from. It does give me something to think about...
     
    #8 OGS, Aug 6, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2018
  9. Nickw

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    Oh man. After re-reading my post, I am afraid I may have written a sentence that, taken out of context, was not at all what I intended to say. I did not, at all, intend to write that somehow same sex couples relationships are any less, or that cheating was any different for a same sex couple. I apologize for this. I apologize for the distraction from the OP's post.

    But, one thing I have learned over the past several years is that nothing is so black and white. Mixed orientation marriages (MOM) are complicated. Discovering that your same sex desires are important, or even discovering mid-marriage, that you have same sex desires, can turn your world upside down. You seek answers and you seek validation. And, everything you are feeling affects your opposite sex partner. So, sometimes we cheat on those partners for a multitude of reasons. Even though this is cheating if it breaks your agreement, I still think it is very important to really get to the bottom of how your partner feels. The initial reaction of the OP's husband may have a lot of complicated history. The previous cheating, maybe some unresolved intimacy needs, other issues in the marriage and so on. That's why I suggested counseling rather than dwelling on the "cheating" part of the equation.

    Anyway. I did also want to clarify something else. I don't know a lot of bisexual women. So, I don't know if this is the same. But, I do know a number of married bisexual men. It is not uncommon for us to feel a different attraction for men than for women. One is not less important than the other. But, they are distinctly different. I cannot imagine myself not being able to feel this or to be asked to lump them into one attraction, or, at this point in my life, into one relationship.

    I know that couples work through this. Because I know a number of couples in happy MOM's. In every case, both members of the marriage, recognize that same sex and opposite sex attractions are different and the opportunity exists for the non-straight spouse to realize fulfillment for both in a marriage.

    But, the initial dishonesty, and sometimes infidelity, that accompanies the "coming out" process that the OP is going through are very trying.
     
  10. SweetT80

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    Thank you all for your replies.

    I am not condoning my behavior by any means. I'm moaning that I really messed up. The fact that we work together and we were friends is what makes this difficult. I have never looked at another woman in a sexual content before. So for a few months I didn't even know what I was feeling with love. I thought it was just some type of crush.

    I come from a VERY Christian and religious family which look down on any kind of sin. For example my mother was a virgin until she got married to my father whom they are still married 41 years.

    My husband and I have been to the swingers club once. It was the first time I kissed a female. We didn't go any further that night.

    I know what hurts my husband the most is that I fell in love with her. I didn't see it coming. As I said I have many female friends 1 of 27 years that I never looked at in that way.

    And now my coming-out story is because I cheated on my husband. Peck kissing and inappropriate texting is cheating.

    I'm just at a loss with all these feelings. I love two people. I broke my family up because of it.

    Husband says he wants a divorce. I realize that I'm trying to live a double life and trying to live up to an expectation that my parents want me to be even at 38 (bday is Friday...great!) this amazing person. But I'm very far from ut

    It's ironic that people say I need counseling as I have a degree in counseling and was a mental health therapist for 8 years. I know that I have a lot of deep down issues within myself. I cant blame my husband for them. He deserves someone who will treat him better than I have.

    I really appreciate this board as I sort though all of this.
     
  11. Nickw

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    I am so sorry that your husband wants a divorce. Please know that your sexuality is not your fault. It is SO easy to blame ourselves because we feel that we are responsible.

    Your sexuality is a part of you. It is what makes you who you are. I know this is not really a comfort right now.

    I know how easy it is to fall into the "cheating" trap. I, really, hate to use that word because I know, myself, how this can play out in our minds. My wife and I were having some intimacy issues after over thirty years together. One night, I went to a bar and started flirting with the bartender, who I suspected was not straight. He was incredibly handsome, my type, and we had known each other in passing for twenty years as backcountry skiers. He propositioned me and my world almost exploded. I came SO SO SO close to going home with him that night. So, I just cannot lay the sort of heat on you for testing out your same sex attractions. It can be so compelling and it can feel so different...those same sex attractions. That it can almost feel like you are a different person doesn't it?

    I hope you and your husband can find a way through this...if that is what you want. I suggested marriage counseling, more for his sake than yours. It can be so difficult for our spouses to articulate what it is, mostly, that they find difficult when they discover they are with a non-straight spouse. I really wish the best for both of you.
     
  12. SoulSearch

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    I relate to a lot of what you’re going through, @SweetT80.

    I connected with a woman late last year and began this amazing friendship with her. She saw me. We shared a lot. My husband and I hadn’t connected much emotionally in years and I craved the intimacy of a close relationship. I’ve always been superficially attracted to women, and I’ve had short crushes from time to time, but I never thought much about not being straight.

    My friend is a recently “out” lesbian, so we talked about her experiences quite a bit. I’m not sure when my feelings shifted from friend to more than. It was unexpected. I’ve cheated with a man before - my husband never found out - and I have been very careful since then not to have intimate friendships with men. I didn’t consider that I could fall for a woman, and what seemed like out of the blue, I did. I started therapy to try and sort through my feelings and I told my husband I was attracted to women. He has been supportive and we’re in the process of separating.

    A few months ago my friend admitted that she has feelings for me too. We are pursuing a relationship. My husband knows all of this, but technically it’s still cheating. The timing sucks. I still love my husband, but the sexual attraction (if it ever existed) is long gone. I feel like I’m living two lives and there are aspects of each that I love. It’s amazing and awful and confusing. Limbo.

    I’m also from a religious background, so I have a deep well of guilt I’m drawing from.

    Are you planning to continue a relationship with your friend? Look up Big Change of Heart with Dr.Jennelle if you need support around that. There are resources for women leaving men for women.

    Hope you are able to begin figuring out what you need to be happy and fulfilled.
     
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  13. silverhalo

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    Hey SweetT80, I'm sorry you are going through this. Sure it doesn't make your actions right but it's still a tough situation to be in, if you could go back and change what's gone then I'm sure you would but sadly that's done. I think for the time being the best thing you can be is open and honest with your husband. Is it going to erase all the hurt, no it won't but it may prevent more or help you both move forward. Your husband probably needs some time to sort through his emotions too. I don't think the fact you have a degree in counselling makes it any easier, it is always easier to advice and make decisions on things when you are removed from the situation rather than knee deep in it.

    I think you need to try and work out what you really want, I mean the immediate response is not to lose your husband but is that really what you want, and I mean what you want not what your family want or expect from you. It's tough I know to take steps towards the unknown but sometimes what's waiting on the other side is more than worth it.