Male, 28. Ever since about the age of 18 I've suffered from anxieties related to my sexuality. I've always watched and enjoyed looking at women in porn. However, I've never been in love with a girl although I don't have much luck with them anyway. But with some men I feel this tension, like it makes my heart flutter; not sure if it's anxiety-related but I feel emotionally attracted to men, but I don't check men out in the street like I do women. It's killing me and I feel like i'm living my life with a handbrake on because I can't build a meaningful relationship with anyone be it a friend or something more, because I've always got this on my mind. I've had enough now and don't know what to do. If you could pay a lot of money just to find out who I am and then embrace it, I would. I just feel like my life is on pause until I figure this out.
Hey welcome to EC. I wouldn't actually suggest looking to porn to try and figure this out. I'm not going to tell you that you are gay because nobody can say that apart from you but I'd say it's a possibility. You say you don't check men out like you do women but it sometimes happens that society and social normallities lead males to check out women because as you grew up you thought that's what you should do and now you have come to associate that in your mind with attraction and relationships etc etc and so that's what you do, it almost becomes habitual. When you feel this tension with guys and the fluttering what kind of situations is that usually in?
No I don't fantasise about men but in person they do more for me emotionally than women.. I think, I don't know if it's general anxiety or something else..
Thank you and hi back. I feel the fluttering, I guess you could call it feeling arrested, when talking at close proximity with some men.
No but in person it's different. I slept with a girl last night (first sex I've had in over a year) and it was over in like 10 seconds and did nothing for me emotionally.
So here's my 2 cents ... you seem to be potentially attracted to men and willing to explore that. There are different ways to do this - you could sign up for online dating just to go on a date with a gay guy even if doesn't go well having a guy who's interested in you might help you sort through your feelings. If you're old enough - go to a gay club. If you're young look for gay meetups or hang outs of any sort that will give you an opportunity to give flirting with a guy a try. Tbh I think very few straight people question their sexuality long-term or log on to this forum not to say there aren't any but it's rare. The other possibly more complicated part will be what kind of attraction if any you have for females. None of it really matters as long as you are accepting of yourself and happy with who you are which it sounds like you will be regardless so that makes things significantly easier. Hope that helps a bit lol! Feel free to message me personally too - I'll respond faster.
I'm just gonna just throw a couple of labels out to see if they work for you. Biromantic Heteroflexible Bisexual Biromantic Demisexual Heteroflexible That's all I've got. Ash Hardell on YouTube has a video called "The ABCs of LGBT" that could help. But yeah, it seems you are romantically attracted to men and women, and sexually attracted to women (and maybe men a little or not at all).
Thanks (all), will PM. Really don't know what to do I just feel like in limbo, cba with anything just want to be happy
Honestly, it sounds like the best thing for you would actually be to NOT obsess over your sexuality. That seems to be causing you a lot of anxiety, and if it's making you miserable you shouldn't have to put yourself through that. And you know what? I'll tell you a secret. You don't have to know your sexuality. Heck, you may not EVER have a label that encompasses all that you are or desire. And that's okay because people are multi-dimensional. At the end of the day you should pursue what feels right IN THAT MOMENT. Whatever that is. Guy, girl, whatever. Just be yourself. Enjoy your attractions as they come and don't force anything. Just live your life.
First, I wouldn't waste my time with any of the unrecognized labels mentioned above, as there's zero credible support for any of them, and in general, they just confuse people and delay them figuring out what's actually going on. Second, I would be inclined to disagree with the idea that there's meaningful attraction toward men. What I'm more inclined to believe is that there may be some emotional factors in the way of letting yourself really feel connection to much of anyone. This can be caused by difficult experiences in childhood or adolescence (violence, poor relationships, instability in home environment etc), and/or by depression or anxiety. If any of the above resonate with you, then the first thing to do might be to look at the emotional/psychological piece, which would mean talking with a therapist. You can also, if you want to explore sexual arousal, try masturbating (without porn) and thinking, in alternate sessions, about guys and then about girls. You will likely find that one or the other creates much stronger arousal. If so, then that's a good direction to start from. If you find that you don't have particular arousal to either, then that would tend to point back to what I was saying above about an emotional or psychological piece getting in the way of connection to your sexual self. Hope that helps!
