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I don't know what my sexuality is at 20

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by poohbearxo, Jul 28, 2018.

?

Am I bisexual?

  1. No

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. Yes

    84.6%
  3. Maybe

    15.4%
  1. poohbearxo

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    I am a female, turning 20 soon, and for the last 8 years, I have been incredibly confused about my sexuality.
    I know I am attracted to males: I have fallen in love with two guys before, I am currently in a four-year relationship with my boyfriend.

    However, I cannot shake this other half of myself.
    I first started to think I was not straight at age 12. My friend introduced me to videos of girls kissing on YouTube, and it was then when I realised that I liked those kinds of videos.

    Fast forward a few more years, I had crushes on many guys (I was boy crazy), but by 14, I had a massive crush on this girl on TV. I was literally obsessed with her. I would think about her constantly, fantasise about her, whenever she came on TV I would literally melt with happiness (I would get sweaty palms and my heart would beat so fast).
    When she wasn't on TV, I had a whole album on my phone of her pictures, and I would imagine me and her in a relationship together etc.

    During this time, I also started to notice other girls. I started to realise that I would have crushes on the masculine girls, the tomboys.
    There was one girl in particular who was in most of my classes, and when we had to sit next to each other I would get nervous and look at her a lot.
    In addition to all this, I still had crushes on guys, and I would switch between being literally obsessed and head over heels with a guy, and then a few weeks later a girl.

    At 15, this girl came into school one day and she had her hair cut and looked masculine. I found her really really really attractive. I began having a crush on her. I thought she was literally perfect. I would think about her constantly, on purpose walk past her and stare at her etc. I would also find reasons to talk to her, regardless of the fact I never spoke to her before.
    This crush went on for a few months until she had a boyfriend.

    After that, I met this other girl. She was a mutual friend and went to a different school. We started to flirt via text and soon began a relationship. I hid the relationship pretty well for the 3 months we were together, and I would always find an excuse to meet her. She really meant a lot to me, and I fell in love with her.
    I did everything to make her happy. When we would meet up I would become nervous, and I enjoyed kissing her and spending time with her.
    I rarely met up with her alone because I was always conscious of my sexual attraction to her, and thus I was petrified we would end up having sex, and due to my family hating lesbians (and feeling like they are disgusting etc), I felt like I would not have been able to deal with the emotional turmoil I would experience if I ended up having sex with her. (I would find myself repulsive and regret it massively).

    We ended up breaking up however because she cheated on me with a guy. It really hurt me, and in response, I ended up dating my current boyfriend.
    I love him dearly, however, for the past four years, I cannot shake my ex-girlfriend from my mind. There are so many things I regret (not experimenting more), and I am still in the same confused situation I was when I was younger.
    I still do not know if I am bisexual.
    I know for a fact that I am not a lesbian, sure I am attracted to girls, and I have had a number of crushes on girls, but I have also had a number of crushes on boys too.

    I feel frustrated and I wish I could have a better understanding of myself.
    It does not help the fact that my family really do not like lesbian/bisexual people, and think that same-sex relationships and sex is disgusting and unnatural. They always talk about how LGBT is disgusting etc and it makes me realise that if ever in the future I was with a girl, I would have a difficult time coming out.
    They know about my crushes on girls, but I don't think they understand the extent of my feelings.

    I am so confused, and if someone could please guide me in the right direction. I don't know what my sexuality is, and I feel like I'm going back-and-forth in my mind whether I am in fact bisexual.
     
  2. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    it is natural to be confused and doubtful about your identity (especially when coming from a less accepting environment) so definitely don’t see my comment as an attack on you doubting yourself, but to put it quite frankly, all of what you’re writing here doesn’t give me a single reason to doubt that you’re bi (or however you wish to label it). you’re attracted to both girls and boys - that’s really all there is to that. that doesn’t mean you have to be attracted to ALL men and women - it’s very well possible to have a preference (re: your liking masculine women) and bisexuality also doesn’t have to be a 50/50 attraction to men/women.

    what are the things that make you doubt? i couldn’t really find that in your post, so it might be easier for us to help you deal with those doubts if you specify a little more. a lot of us go through doubts, no matter whether the signs about what our sexuality is are obvious or not, so if you voice some specific doubts i’m sure there will be people here who can relate, share their experience and give you a little more advise in regards to those specific doubts. but in terms of what you wrote here, you sound very bi to me :slight_smile:
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    Based on what you have told us, it's highly unlikely that you are straight, so that really only leaves two obvious options - you are either bisexual or lesbian and it seems more likely that you are bisexual, unless you think you are repressing things due to family hostility towards lesbians?

    You mentioned a few different girls in your post and it sounds like most (or all) of them had a masculine appearance. Would you say this is the extent of your attraction to the same sex? Was the celebrity crush more masculine?

    Is it possible that you rushed into the relationship with your boyfriend? Maybe you needed more time to explore things with the same sex to fully determine who you are and how you feel? Admitting these things to yourself wouldn't mean loving your boyfriend any the less, but sometimes it helps to acknowledge details like these to put us back on stable ground.

    What do you think?
     
  4. poohbearxo

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    Hi Tystnad, thank you for the reply.
    When I write my feelings down, or when I think about the way I feel towards men and women, it is an obvious and apparent thing that I am not straight.
    I was talking to my sister the other night, and she asked me whether I was bisexual (she knew I had crushes on girls before), and I lied and said no.
    However, I explained to her my feelings towards my girl crushes in the past (feeling nervous around them, wanting to talk to her etc), and she genuinely looked shocked and confused, as if all this time she didn’t understand that a crush on a girl to me is the same thing as a crush on a guy.

    By expressing my feelings to my sister made me realise that the way I felt/feel about girls is not the ‘norm’ and therefore it’s pretty clear I’m not straight.
    However, when I think of myself as bisexual or say in my head ‘I’m bisexual’ it doesn’t fit. This is the main reason why I am doubting myself.
    It doesn’t feel right, it is like I don't fit into that label. I'm not sure if its because I don't really find labels comfortable, or because I don't identify with the label.
    I don’t know why this is.
    Also, my whole family (including my boyfriend) have negative responses to the LGBT community, and they all talk about it sometimes in an incredibly negative light.
    I am physically and sexually 100% attracted to girls, but I don’t know if I could see myself in a relationship with a girl. I don’t know if that’s due to the fact my family are against same sex, as well as my boyfriend. However, when I was 15 and in a relationship with that girl, I really really enjoyed it. That’s what’s confusing me most.
    Maybe I am just used to being in a relationship with a male, and that the thought of my next relationship (if I end up with someone else) being with a girl, I would feel everyone would judge etc.
     
    #4 poohbearxo, Jul 28, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2018
  5. poohbearxo

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    Hi Patrick, thank you for the reply.
    I feel like when I think about the thought of being a lesbian, it makes me freak out and I ignore it.
    I know for a fact I am sexually, physically and emotionally attracted to women.
    However, I do not feel I am as sexually attracted to guys, however, the physical and emotional aspects are there.

    The issue I have with my family is that when they are all in a discussion about the LBGT community, they are very rude, and they often say that gays have mental illness and are akin to paedophiles.
    However, my dad mainly has said to us that if any of me or my siblings were gay, he would be accepting of it. I don't really know why he's so rude, but then says it is ok if either I or anyone else was gay?

    All the girls I have been attracted to (including the celebrity crush) had a masculine appearance. Not to the extent where you cannot figure out if they are male or female, but they all have short hair, and in general had masculine qualities about them.
    However, the girl I was in a relationship with when I was 15 had longer hair but wasn't that masculine. She did not wear makeup etc, however.
    I find feminine girls sexually attractive for sure, but I don't get the same feeling for them as I do a tomboy.

    I definitely feel like I rushed into the relationship with my boyfriend, for sure. However, there is nothing I can do about it now.
    We are in a serious relationship, and I know for a fact if I was to change that or even go on a break with him in order to explore my other side, he would never forgive me and I would have ruined a great relationship.
     
  6. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    it can sometimes take a little while to actually feel comfortable with a label, if that point ever comes at all because labels are not for everyone. particularly if you’re in an environment where people express negative sentiments about lgbt people it makes a lot of sense that the label feels wrong - not because it necessarily is, but because the word has always carried a negative meaning in your life due to the way people talk about lgbt topics in your family. for me, it took me a really long time to be able to even come close to being comfortable with the word lesbian, because even though i don’t think of it as a negative word, and i was quite okay with being gay, subconsciously i felt very bad about using the word because of what OTHER people would think if they heard it. i think you’ll find a lot of accounts of people who struggled with their label in one way or another (and i hope maybe some of them respond here to share their story too), even if their sexuality is very clear. there’s a difference between knowing your sexuality, and fully embracing it, too, so it may be that that also gets a little in the way. and of course your family’s negativity towards lgbt identities is not particularly helpful in terms of acceptance as well. things like this are a process that requires quite a bit of time for a lot of us, and it’s completely okay to take all that time. not having fully accepted or figured out everything at 20 is WAY more common than you think, and i think you’re already much further into the process than many because you are very clear in that you’ve experienced attraction to both men and women and don’t doubt that part. so don’t worry too much about the label not fitting, it may just need a little time :slight_smile:

    of course, there are also labels with overlapping meanings (depending on which definition you use) when it comes to being attracted to both men and women, such as pansexual, that you could think about. and labels aren’t absolutely for everyone, either. i mean, i prefer to avoid labels when it comes to gender myself as much as i can, so i am quite familiar with just feeling uncomfortable with any label that might fit. that’s okay too! labels can be helpful because they provide a single word to describe something much more complicated, but when they start feeling off or maybe even too narrowly defined, you’re under no obligation to use them whatsoever.
     
  7. beenthrdonetht

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    When I read this a few colored flags went up... maybe not red, but orange at least. It's true that you can't change the past, but you can still choose your way. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are walking on eggshells, and if one breaks, everybody will blame you. I agree with tystnad, you sound very bi. Alas for our world that doesn't consider this normal. But maybe your father and sister can come around to seeing that love is love. (Don't mention the word sex it just leads peoples minds into irrational places.)

    Your plight comes through so clearly in your post. I hope you can arrange your world as well as you arrange your words.
     
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  8. Silveroot

    Silveroot Guest

    You are not alone @kellyyyy. I'm 25 and still questioning, although I am leaning more to gay than bisexual.

    I can understand your fear of your same-sex attractions, you see I grew up in a homophobic environment too and it doesn't help. You've already got some good answers, I just wanted to add that I can relate, you are not somehow late in your questioning. You also don't owe anyone an explanation, but yourself.

    Give yourself time. It may be that your current relationship doesn't satisfy you for more reasons than just your sexuality. You will find it out.

    Whatever the outcome of your realizations, there's no need to panic, even if things are hard. It's not the end of the world.
     
    #8 Silveroot, Jul 29, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2018
  9. Love4Ever

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    I voted a definite yes. Your feelings you describe couldn't be anything other than authentic. The sweaty palms, the obsessing, the imaging being in a relationship, all are signs of your sexuality. I have experienced what you describe and I identify as bi. I also love tomboys too. :slight_smile: Welcome to the club!
     
  10. Love4Ever

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    I definitely think you should do want what you want to do. I don't think you should stay with your boyfriend only because you feel familial pressure. Your happiness should come first.
     
  11. skittlz

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    Exactly! I remember feeling awkward with the bisexual label at first because there’s the stereotype of bisexuals being hypersexual and having 50-50 attraction all the time, which I didn’t really relate to. It’s up to you to identify with whatever label or none :slight_smile:
     
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  12. Nightlight

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    You seem very bisexual to me.
     
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