I've accepted I'm gay so how come I'm not happy?

Okay, the title sounds like a pun but that wasn't intended lol

So I've come out to myself as gay/lesbian. I wonder how come I tend to only see the negative side of this situation?

Is this a form of internalized homophobia? It wouldn't surprise me if it was, since in my country sexism, homophobia and patriarchal notions of what it means to be 'normal' reign supreme.

Perhaps my acceptance is not yet 'complete'? I do feel happy. serene and relieved at times but it comes and goes.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

 

Hi Silveroot,

Well done on coming out to yourself. It's a hard step but one that allows you deal with everything else.

As you've noted happiness doesn't result from it all the time. Some of that may be internalised homophobia or it may by that you can't see how you can live the life you want. For example, when I first accepted that I was gay I felt a lot of relief but that also got me thinking about dating and how that was going to work, how do I act comfortably with other people, do I tell people as soon as I meet them etc.

It also takes time for that feeling of self-acceptance to become stronger. Initially, it can be a somewhat erratic feeling because it's a new situation - particularly if you go from repressing to acceptance.

I tend not to think of it as complete but as internal and external acceptance. Self-acceptance helps us deal with how we think about ourselves but that still leaves relationships with others uncertain - being comfortable enough to get recognition from others is significant part of life.

I don't know if this helps at all or relates to what you say but if not just say so.

 

You've said that you live in a place where you are surrounded by homophobia and sexism, so of course, you will be experiencing negative feelings towards your sexuality because you are going against what a majority of people around you perceive as "normal". It may be that accepting the fact you are gay means accepting feelings of isolation and not being part of the regular crowd any more. This can all be very daunting, compared to what other gay people experience coming out in areas where homosexuality is a lot more widely accepted, and they get to instantly feel they are part of a culture.

So I think it will take time. Patience and a lot of confidence. You are brave for coming out in an area where homosexuality is not widely accepted, so don't lose that bravery. Don't let the negative emotions get the better of you and prevent you from achieving what you want, whether it's dating, relationships, or reaching out to other LGBT people in your area who may also be struggling with their sexuality and identity. Find out what it means to be a lesbian in your part of the world, and think about what you can do to improve that situation for yourself.

 

Thank you for replying @Barbatus. I agree that it helps dealing with things. I think in my case, I simply can't see how I can live the way I want. I know that I'll have to trust myself and take risks but it's not easy. I'm not afraid of losing friends, I just don't know how to handle it yet.

That's how it happened for me, I was in deep shame and trying to 'fix' myself before I realized that this isn't going anywhere and it's pointless to try. I have no people in my family to rely on, but a friend of mine knows and seems supportive so far. My mother worries about me constantly and about my future. It's something she has tried to prevent in the past, ranting about how I don't care about dating, about how I don't look at men, urging me to date, insisting I should see a psychologist to help me with it.

So yes, I can relate to what you say.

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement! The part in which you say to not let myself be isolated by Lgbt community is what has been troubling me for a long time. You see, a few years ago I came out to my mother and godmother and then announced them I'm going to Pride but oh boy, I wasn't expecting that reaction, they both united in their homophobia and my mother literally begged me not to go until at least I am sure about my orientation. It was as if I was going to war instead of a parade. I was so unprepared to deal with it that it pushed me back into the closet and made me even more confused.

And now 4 years later I'm more certain of myself than ever. I will just have to do what I have to do on my own and without announcements most probably. I don't know how to do that since I'm living with my mother. But time will tell.

 

Did you tell your family that's how you felt? That their reaction hurt your feelings and caused you more confusion?

Pride events are not just about gay people walking around saying "fuck you, I'm gay, get over it!" it's about taking a stand against homophobia. Straight people attend pride events as well, to show their support towards LGBT friends and family members. So you would not be going to Pride just to announce to the world that you are gay, you're going because you want to live in a world where people like yourself don't have to live in fear of being rejected by family and people around them.

Even if you decided you weren't gay, you surely still would not want to tolerate homophobia. And if you were to become a mother yourself (you may or may not decide to have children of your own one day, which you can still do as a lesbian) you'd want your kids to grow up in an accepting environment, where they are not teased and attacked for being raised by gay people.

These are just other things to consider. I'm not encouraging you turn against your mother or anything like that, because your family are still your family, and your relationship with them is your own. But as gay people, we've already spent a big chunk of our lives worrying about how our sexuality will upset those closest to us. And eventually we have to embrace the world beyond our family lives. And they need to learn how to embrace us for our sexuality, not in spite of it. It will take time, patience, and some risks, but hopefully your relatives will come to some sort of common ground with you in regards to your sexuality.