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Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. Jggates

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    Hello all,

    Just looking for some advice as I feel like I'm drowning and really don't know where to turn.

    I'm 40, happily married with two great kids, but struggling to come to terms with my sexuality.

    I've always been interested in guys as well as girls, and if I'm honest I *think* I lean more towards guys.

    I've had serious relationships with girls only. I've hooked up with guys in the past (not while in a relationship) but only ever in secret. Sex with guys didn't actually do all that for me, although I'm not sure if that's cos it was just part of repressing that side of myself.

    I have never said this to anyone, not even my wife. My parents are religious, and I'm not particularly close to any of my siblings or extended family. My friends all think I'm straight - but I don't have anyone I'd consider a close enough friend to confide in anyway, I've always been one to keep my feelings (any feelings) private, and that's just who I am now.

    I don't even feel I can share this with my wife, partly cos I'm scared of how she'd react, and partly cos I know she would share this with her sister, and then it's out. And I know this isn't very 2018, but I don't want it out - I'd lose my job, I'd lose my friends, and even if it made our family stronger the rest of the fallout is too high a price to pay.

    I got together with my wife about 15 years ago. We were friends first, then it turned into a sexual relationship, then we started going steady. Kids and marriage followed, and all was rosy.

    But... like most guys, I sneak a look a porn on the side. And I'm finding that gay porn is increasingly my preferred starting point. Usual feelings of guilt arise, but I thought I could deal with them. I try to accept the fact I like guys, and that as long as I don't act on the urges then all is okay.

    However I'm finding my secret sexuality getting more and more of a burden.

    I go online to twitter and Facebook and see nothing but happy LGBT people living happy lives, and I feel worse. I end up dwelling more and more on "what if", wish I could have just come out as a teenager and avoided all this angst, and then hate myself cos then I worry that the "what if" scenarios end up without my wife and kids. It feels like wishing I could change history is like wishing they never existed.

    I look up forums of people in the same boat as me and see either complete family breakups and new lives being started (which I do *not* want), or people being told they will be miserable if they don't come out.

    And you know what? I am miserable. I've had 25 years of hiding what is part of "me" and I can't cope. I've dug this hole deeper and deeper and I can't get out of it. I don't know what to do. I lie awake thinking "what if" then hate myself for it. I flick though LGBT advice pages and cry. I feel like I can't bottle it up any more but also can't risk letting it out.

    To be clear - I *don't* want to set off on a new life. I love my wife and I love my kids. But I also can't cope with hiding what feels like is becoming a bigger part of me. I feel like I'm trapped pretending to be someone I'm not.

    The whole lie has taken over my life, every part of how I behave is an act - a wall built up over 25 years to hide what I'm feeling inside. People think I'm straight, they think I'm calm, they think I'm the life and soul of the party, they think I can solve everyone's problems, they think I'm a leader who can sort everything out. But inside I'm screaming and I don't know what to do without blowing apart my whole life. I just want it all to be over. I don't mean suicide, I just mean it'll be a relief when I shuffle off into oblivion.

    And I know all this sounds really stupid. Basically I tell myself the lie doesn't matter cos I don't want to go and live a gay/bi life. But it obviously does matter because I feel like I'm getting further and further away from "me" and I'm starting to crack. I'm shutting everyone out even more and I'll end up pushing away my wife accidentally if I don't sort myself out.

    I'm not looking for a magic wand, but if anyone has any advice or has been in the same boat then I'd love to hear from you. I guess I just want to know I'm not alone. Even writing this has been some kind of purge, but I'm sobbing as I type and this can't go on. Anyone?

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. IanMkh

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    Hey, @Jggates. Glad you are here.

    Our stories are pretty similar. I've been at this a little longer than you (wife and I together 21 years), but it comes and goes in waves.

    You've really captured the essence of the struggle here.
    It's a pretty vicious cycle. I mean, how awful is it to wish for something that would mean the people you loved didn't exist? And it probably feels like you are fighting a war with only yourself and that no one else can see your obviously wounded, bleeding heart.

    I've been in and out of therapy for the past few years and I recently wrote a post titled "It was never mine" over in the LGBT later in life forum. You should check it out and the comments. I'd be happy to chat with you more if you wanted to connect and send a private message. We're here for you.
     
  3. IanMkh

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    Also, allow me to add, that while there are many stories here on this forum, yours is yours to write. It's taken me a while to learn that and I still struggle with it from time to time. I won't lie and say it's easy, but there are others here, like myself, who are in the same boat as you (your post is as if I had written it myself) and who have the same end-game. Not everyone is here because we want to be out. Some of us are here because we want to figure out how we can be authentic within the boundaries of the lives we have chosen for ourselves.
     
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  4. Jggates

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    Hello @IanMkh

    Thanks for taking the time to reply, I know as far as lgbt issues go this isn't a patch on the real problems others have, but it's slowly destroying me from the inside, and I don't even have the safety valve.

    I will read your other post, thanks for pointing me to it. And thanks for the offer to connect, maybe that's all I need, someone who is going through the same thing and can relate.

    How did you get into therapy? Did it help? I'm willing to try anything but worried I'm just going end up with another secret to carry. :/
     
  5. Jggates

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    "Some of us are here because we want to figure out how we can be authentic within the boundaries of the lives we have chosen for ourselves."

    That's true, but I think half my problem is that I didn't actually choose this life and wouldn't if I had my time again. I kept my nature secret cos my family were so religious - sex itself was taboo, let alone gay sex. Believe it or not, even my first girlfriend was a massive secret.

    I feel like I've ended up in a trap of my own making, all because I didn't want to upset anyone. Rather than have others unhappy for a short while, I've ended up digging a hole I'm stuck in forever.
     
  6. mav96213

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    Jggates,

    I can totally relate to how you are feeling (especially the "I've dug this hole deeper and deeper and I can't get out of it"), very similar background, except in that I'm now divorced; more so due to my ex-wife being a crazy, selfish, self-centered b!tch, but that's another story, lol. Anyway, I don't think your feelings are going to go away, only get stronger as time goes on. Not sure why that happens (would be easier for everyone if we could tell early on to make better choices....) but it seems to be a common occurrence. Sad to say though, there are no easy answers, so I feel for you and understand your frustration...

    Here are a few links to comments I made in other thread you might find interesting.

    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/married-3-kids-confused.463761/#post-6536490
    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...ion-crippling-depression.463408/#post-6534308
    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...ealizing-your-attraction.463526/#post-6534324
     
  7. IanMkh

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    There's just so much to unwrap here. I feel like I've been through a lot of what you say (and some of it I am still working through and may always be). Yes, therapy has been a huge help. I can elaborate for you later, but I'm learning to not hate myself and to let go of this idea that I missed out on another (potentially better) life. That last one has been really hard and can be a death spiral for me if I let it. Part of my therapy has been learning about my own self-defeating thoughts and emotions which have, unfortunately, become my default setting. You may also be feeling pressure to come out. Maybe you feel like you owe your family the truth. But, this is yours and no one else's. Give yourself a break. Again, I can tell you more about it another time if you interested. But, yes, it's been extremely helpful. My wife knows I'm in therapy, but she doesn't know precisely why.

    Fair point. And I agree. My therapist would (did) tell me, that I can't have my time again. So, dwelling on it isn't really what we want to do. But, we can't help it, can we? Especially when we are confronted with it daily. This is probably the hardest part of all because it feels so awful AND it takes us away from the ones we love while we're off in our imaginations. I have been here and I sometimes still am (but it's getting better).

    How does this sound? You hate how your secret makes your feel, but you hate even more the potentially (likely?) destructive consequences of your secret revealed. It's okay. Stop digging. If you want to know if it's possible for you to be at peace without blowing up your life, I will tell you that it is. It may not seem like it now, but you can. I know exactly how you feel and my heart breaks for you. But, believe me when I say that you can get yourself back on solid footing.
     
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  8. Jggates

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    Thanks @mav96213 for your words. I've had a look through your links, and it's good to hear from someone who has been on the same roller-coaster (although luckily I don't also have the psycho ex-wife to throw into the mix).

    If I understand your posts correctly, you talk about accepting one's sexuality and jumping before it's too late. I don't *think* I'm moving closer to the gay end of the spectrum - I've always known I like guys as well as girls.

    But I guess there is a fear somewhere that I am on a journey and at some point I'll fall out of love with my wife - and then I really would agonise over why I didn't see the signs earlier. But I really hope I don't go there.

    My regrets (or grief as @IanMkh neatly put it) are that I kept the secret buried so long rather than be open when I was young. Not only have a missed a life I could have had, I've built up layer upon layer of defences to hide my true self from everyone - and it's eating me away as it's now too late to open up without losing everything.

    My family, my friends, my job - my entire life would be ripped apart, for absolutely no good reason other than to get this heavy secret off my soul.

    Add that to hating myself when I go down the "what if" route, as that's like wishing my kids never existed, and I guess it's not surprising I'm drowning.

    It all sounds very melodramatic I know, but this really is destroying me.

    And if it really is only going to get worse - well frankly, that terrifies me. There is no good destination down that path. Either it all blows up and I destroy everything for no good reason, or I fall deeper into this pit. I don't see any way out, and it scares me.
     
  9. Jggates

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    Yes @IanMkh there is definitely a lot to unwrap. It's overwhelming at times.

    This bit hits home.

    Ironically, the "better" life would be at the expense of all the things I now hold dear. It's a hateful thing to dwell on, but it seems impossible to break the cycle.

    Maybe I just need to accept that the trials so far are the price to get where I am now.

    Maybe the other path leads to me on another forum somewhere regretting my life choices.

    Yes, I think that's a lot of it. Spend five minutes on twitter and it's openness all the way. Staying in the closet is bad. And I completely agree - I'm learning the hard way what staying in the closet does to you, and it's now too late to come out.

    You are right, it is my truth. But I feel like an awful hypocrite when talking to anyone struggling to be open themselves. I can't even say "me too", and it hurts.

    I don't know how to just accept the layers of lies I've built up and let the secret be "my truth". I'm getting further away from "me".

    This is the important bit I think. If there is hope that I can come to terms with hiding this part of myself forever, then I just need to soldier on a little further down the road.

    And thank you so much for spending the time to listen and respond. I've literally never been able to go through this with anyone, even just talking and trying to understand is a massive help. I wish I had a friend I was close enough to share this with, but sadly part of the bottling-up process has scuppered that too. :/ So I really do appreciate it.
     
  10. Jggates

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    One other thought - although I'm not religious now, I was brought up by a pretty strict Catholic mother and went to a religious school.

    So although I'm pretty non-believing these days, there is a small part of me that worries that if there is life after death and we all meet up on the other side, everyone I know is going to know my secret and feel betrayed that I lied to them my whole life. Stupid I know, but it's another brick in the barrow.

    NB - I'm not worried about the whole "gay is bad" religious thing. I'm pretty sure that if there is a God he's not going to worry about who sticks what where. Gay-hatred is *not* part of my angst. (Although it's certainly why I couldn't come to terms with it when I was a teenager.)
     
  11. mav96213

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    As LanMkh has mentioned, we can't dwell on the "what if" with regards to the path we took in life. Easier said than done, I know, but you need to work at being at peace with yourself. The choices you made "at the time" were made based on your mindset, regardless of the outside influencing factors (which you didn't have any control over). Coming to terms with your feelings, attractions and emotions is not an easy thing, especially when it's NOT what is expected of you or what is correct for the "environment" in which you live. I've felt very similar to what you are experiencing, and it has caused me to fall into depression at times, in which I've had to fight and dig myself out of. And I know there will be difficult times ahead, but I think you learn to start "accepting" not only yourself, but past decisions you've made and your "lot in life". It won't be ideal, but you have to accept it for what it is, and don't allow the emptiness or void you feel at times to overwhelm you. I hope for your sake that even though you know you have this "other" attraction, that your love for your wife will stay strong, as well as your attraction for her. Everyone is different and some can put parts of their life into compartments to manage, and some cannot. I don't believe you would ever be able to "bury" your attraction towards other guys, it's just part of your DNA (believe me, many have tried, myself including) but perhaps you'll figure out a way to control it and still have a happy, healthy life. Just don't panic or allow this to overwhelm you... it's taken you many years to understand and accept your feelings, so it's going to take a long time to figure out how to make the best choices for a happy life. It's not easy, I know, you need to take one day at a time, there are no simple answers or solutions, but you will get through it and eventually find a working compromise.
     
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  12. Jggates

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    Thanks @mav96213

    I don't want to bury the feelings towards men. (I'll admit I did look into things like conversion therapy and luckily shied away.) I just want them to be on a par with feelings towards other women - i.e. appreciate the attraction without wanting to act on it or to start yearning for missed opportunities.

    You are right, I need to break the "what if" cycle and concentrate on "what is". God knows how, but at least I can see where I need to be.
     
  13. Jggates

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    And sorry to all those reading this and thinking "just get a grip", I know it sounds ridiculous. But it's hard to overstate quite how much this is pushing me to the edge, so I'm so grateful for all the advice here.

    I was in tears reading other stories on other forums today, they all seemed to go down heartbreaking routes. But you guys are giving me hope that there is another way.
     
  14. IanMkh

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    You can do this. When I read your posts, it’s like the 2012 version of me wrote them. I know you can’t see a way out, but it’s possible. Coming out means something different to each of us and it doesn’t always mean out and proud to the whole world. And please don’t apologize for how you feel. We’re all in this together.
     
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  15. Jggates

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    Thank you so much. I had my first good night's sleep for years last night, so this conversation has definitely helped.

    The blackness inside has returned again this morning and the tears are here with a vengeance as I re-read this thread, but at least I've had a glimpse that things can be okay.

    @IanMkh - could you explain what you mean when you say "Coming out means something different to each of us and it doesn’t always mean out and proud to the whole world"? Do I need some kind of closure? How did you learn to accept that this door has closed and put the "what if" to bed?
     
  16. IanMkh

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    Hey, @Jggates. I'm glad you got some rest. I'm sorry that you're still feeling pretty bad. It's not easy when you feel like your emotions are out of control. Sometimes I feel like my brain and my heart are at war with each other.

    As for what I meant about coming out: There's this idea that there's one way to be out or one way to come out. And I think most folks here would tell you that it's not true. Being out doesn't have to mean that you are out to the entire world. It can be as small as being out to a trusted friend or family member or even just to yourself. I'd just start with yourself and not worry about coming out to anyone else. I knew for a while that I was queer, but I don't think I was out to myself. What I mean by that was that I was aware of it, but I didn't embrace it. It was something I hated about myself and something I still struggle with on any given day. When I started therapy, I started to try on the idea that I was really LGBTQ. Simple things like just saying to myself that "I identify as queer or bisexual or LBGT" actually really helped. It didn't change me: I'm who I always was, but it helped me to frame it differently. Eventually, I got to the point where I could have my "queer" thoughts about guys and not feel instant shame, though I still have my moments. It will truly help you if you can let those thoughts and feelings breathe. Suffocating them could be contributing to your current state. Sounds easy, but it takes some work, especially when the default setting is suppress then shame. It's conscious thing that I have to do every day. I'm better at it some days than others, but my hope is that it won't always be. With practice, I can just be myself - all of me.

    Part of being out to myself is also allowing myself to interact with other guys. I think I became very introverted around other guys because I was afraid that any attraction would show and be so obvious. As a result, I have no close guy friends outside of those that the wife and I have together as a couple. That hurts a lot because I really could have used a friend as I navigate this. Anyway, I'm definitely trying. Things like making more attempts to make and hold eye contact with other men, especially those I might find attractive. Could be in the market or in the airport or passing on the street. Smiling more at male strangers and just being open. I gotta tell you that I get a little thrill each time I do it and if I happen to get something in return, well that's just icing. These folks are strangers so if they wonder if I'm not straight, who cares? I don't think I outright flirt with guys, although I think I did at the eye doctor's office earlier this week. Doing these little acts has such a big impact on my mood. Now, I look for tiny little ways that I can be out every day. It's enough for me for now.

    You may not be anywhere near ready to think like this or do anything like that, but it's something to think about. If the mailman thought you were gay, would it matter all that much? I'm still trying to find a balance and it is something I need to consciously do each time, but it's getting easier. I'm finding that I'm more outgoing and friendly and even daring than I thought. And I'm wondering where this me has always been. My wife has noticed, too, in a positive way. She likes it even if she doesn't understand what's behind the change.

    I recently came out to my sister, which was intentional, and also my parents, which I hadn't expected to do (I'm 43 and they are in their 70s). To be honest, I was a little disappointed in their reactions. They didn't really seem to think it was a big deal, which honestly makes me wonder if it isn't. That was a step that I felt that I needed to take because I needed to put it out there into the world. To make it real. You may not feel the same need. As for my wife, I think I'd love to be able to tell her, but I have hard time imagining she'd be okay with it. (There's a long story with that). For a while, I was nearly unglued with anxiety because I thought I needed to tell her. Like you, I'm perfectly happy. I love my wife, we are attracted to each other, and "other things" are really good even at our age. So, I don't want to pursue another life right now. And may not ever want to. So, my therapist encouraged me to let myself off the hook. I don't need to tell her. For a while, I felt like I owed her, that she needed to know this secret and I was terrified about what it would mean. But, the reality is, we come to this only when we are ready and we come out only when we are ready. It sounds selfish (sometimes I am certain that it is), but there you have it. Would I have loved to have told her how I agreed with her about how handsome your Prince Harry was during the wedding? You bet, but a small price to pay.

    Earlier I said, "it's enough for me for now" and the "for now" part is important for me. Over the past six years, I learned that what I want could shift and change in surprising ways. I mean, I'm out to my sister and parents for crying out loud. On purpose! Not something I ever though would happen. Part of the dark struggle is that not only are agonizing today, you are agonizing all the days to come that will be like today. I will tell you now, try to set that free. Our sons will both be off to college in the next three years. I am aware that I may want something different for my life at that point. So may she. Or we could live happily ever after. I'm no longer willing to give that unknown future any power over my present. (The same holds true for our imaginary past, but that's another post for you for later). That doesn't mean that I don't slip into it and creep back to the edge from time to time. But, I have to bring myself back. It sounds silly, but I just tell myself "I'm not going to think about that today". "Today" is an important word because it means you're only responsible for how you feel at this exact moment.

    I could go on. Well, actually, I have gone on. Part of what you can try to do is to re-frame some of your thinking. You think just like I did even just a few months ago before I started this last round of therapy. When you talk of closure: there's no closure because implies an ending. Rather than looking for closure, look for ways to let it in so that you can live with it. What are some small things you can do to be out to yourself. Last week, I changed that dates at the top of my Google Calendar to rainbow colors. (I sneak rainbows in where I can). Let people think what they want, it's just a rainbow. You've spent so long attaching negative feelings to your sexuality. What would happen if you didn't or even tried to attach positive ones? Also, "closing the door" is tricky. I definitely try to close the door on the idea that I should be living a different life than the one I have. Some days are better than others on that front, but I think I'll get there someday. So, while that door has closed, it doesn't mean that you still can't be authentically yourself. I'm still learning what that means and how to make it happen.

    It's a long road, and I have been exactly where you find yourself right now. I'm also aware that I'm never really that far away from it. But if I had to give you a place to start it would be here:
    1) Give yourself a damn break. It's so easy to pile on yourself. You feel like a bad person and bad people deserve to feel bad. You aren't. Stop punishing yourself. "I'm not going to do this right now".
    2) Let your younger self off the hook. For whatever reasons, you did what you did. And you know what? At the time, you felt like it was the right thing to do. You couldn't have foreseen the consequences, so let yourself off the hook.
    3) Find the joy. You sound like you really enjoy your family. Go to them. When you find yourself off in your imagination traveling into an imagined past or a bleak future, come back. Come back to them.

    Sorry for the length, but, as I've said, your story and thoughts could have all been pulled from my own head. I hope that even one thing I said here can make you feel better. I'm here for you if you want to keep chatting.
     
  17. Jggates

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    Thank you so much for taking time out to write all of that. I really mean it when I say I appreciate it. It must be especially hard when you have your own struggles so I mean it when I say a big thank you.

    "Let your younger self off the hook" is a magic phrase, that's brilliant. It's made me think if I knew someone now was going through the same struggle that I was when young, with all the same circumstances and mindset, I would *not* be thinking "for God's sake just be open, get on with it". I'd be so sad for them, and really feel their pain, but I'd also understand why they can't do any different. That's what I need to come to terms with for myself. There was no other way.

    I've been doing some real thinking over the last couple of days, and had some real low points. I'm still fighting the tears now but I can see a way forward.

    I've decided what I want to do (and I don't yet know how), and that is to come out to my wife. Not to anyone else yet, and most people I will *never* be able to be open with. And I will have to trust her to keep this to herself for now - I hate to share the burden with her, but I need to do this.

    The reason is that I know I'm putting up more and more barriers subconsciously, scared to show any emotion at all now, having to be the strong one, and that's what's killing me. If I carry on down this route, I either drive everyone away or I'm gonna have a complete breakdown.

    I'm still scared what she will think, but if I can't be open with my wife who can I be open with? And I need someone. My hope is she understands this doesn't mean anything different for us - at least as far as I am concerned - being attracted to other guys is no different than being attracted to other women. She is the one I want to be with.

    But if I can do this, if I start to break down all the barriers I've built up, I can stop being such an emotionless robot on the outside and we can get back to the old me. And I'll need her help with this, I need someone every day to ask me how I'm feeling and make me give an honest answer, not to let me off the hook if I put up a front.

    I guess this is where my struggle is a bit different from yours, in that you have managed to be open with your family so you have an outlet there. But I can't do that - partly because I will get rejection, but mostly because even though I can deal with that (we aren't very close anyway), I need someone to help me through the journey so my family are no use. As I write this I realise that sounds incredibly selfish, but I really do need someone to help me now. And I hope my wife can be there for me. I trust her. I've been an idiot to try to fight this battle on my own.

    So... My next step is to go see a counseler before doing anything drastic. I think I've learnt enough to know I need an expert before trying to solve this myself. But I can see a way forward and that's a huge step.

    So sincere thanks for putting up with my whining over the last few days. And thank you for everything you have written - it really has helped put things in perspective. It's so good to hear that someone is further down the path from me and it isn't all a disaster. Reading other forums was making me think there is no good way out, and I was seriously sinking.

    I know there is a long way to go, and the waves of depression are still hitting me hard, but I can see a future and I can see how I can "package up" my regrets. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

    I would like to keep chatting if that's okay with you, I know this is going to be bumpy road and I really would appreciate a sane voice. I've got a huge step to go through and I honestly don't know if I can go through with it, but I need to do it.

    Thanks again, you don't know how much help you've been.
     
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  18. Mj5963

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    Good morning , I wanted to tell you a little of my story to help at minimum tell you it can be ok ! I am 58 , married 30 years , 3 kids all out of college thankfully and working . Two years ago my wife discovered I had been discreetly sleeping with guys . She confronted me prepared to divorce etc. however , after a lot and I mean a lot of talking , therapist and getting to a real open and honest place we remain together . We live what we call a new normal but I came completely clean to my wife , never blamed her and have owned this . I told her if my years of internal struggles and I was falling into a depressed kind of mode which was straining everything in our lives . So here I am open to my wife , we love each other but I would say fair to say not “in love” but we have amazing friends and families and we are what I would term great friends and companions . So we make it work and our friends don’t know , yet our kids do know I was not faithful and for that I also own it .

    So without making a huge long post , I would say looking back I wished I would have come out and the message would have been controlled now that I understand how horrendous the infidelity was and the massive impact it has had , and it’s
    Taken two years to essentially claw back to trust and respect . So find your path to owning this and come out to your wife is my best advice, it will show true love because the pain your in is her pain too and by being upfront your asking her to help you through this as a spouse should . Best of luck
     
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  19. IanMkh

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    Hey, @Jggates. I agree with @Mj5963 that you need to find your own path. I think finding a counselor is a good first step. My advice would be to not make any other decisions until you can do that and begin to talk it out. Make sure that the counselor you choose is a good fit, someone with knowledge of LGBT issues would be best. You don't want a counselor who's telling you that bisexuals don't exist.

    Second, as for telling your wife: Hang that up - for now. You are out of control with your emotions and you need to get a better handle on that before you do anything. I know you think that telling might be this great release, but it might not be and it might cause you more grief than you are ready to deal with. Just a few months ago, I was feeling the same way. My sexuality was ever-present in my thoughts, it was emotional and weepy all the time, and it was always on the tip of my tongue, especially when she was around. IT WILL PASS! The urge to just blurt it out will pass. Get yourself together and then make decisions about just how to move forward.

    Remember when I kept saying "for now"? I also learned (back to that long story) that I may not always feel the way I do now. I know what I want, but I also know that it is subject to change based on time and other circumstances I can't foresee. I'm not saying you won't tell her, but you don't need to feel pressure to do so. Everyone's story is different.

    I'm happy to keep chatting. I feel compelled to try to help you because our situations seem so similar. And it helps me, too. We can continue to chat here if you want. I think there is a way to send direct messages through this site somehow if you want to take it there. Your call.
     
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  20. IanMkh

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    And I should add that there are many ways to move forward. Coming out to your wife or to the world are not the only ones. You decide how to move forward and how far that should take you. Keep your current goals in mind and take small steps at first.
     
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