Grief. I've been seeing a therapist and "grief" is the word I used to describe what I was feeling. You see, I'm in my 40s and am recently accepting my bisexuality. I've known it, but I've never fully accepted it. I don't think I became aware that I was queer until my late 20s, married with one kid and one on the way. Recently, though, I've been lamenting that I've never had a coming out experience. I'm seeing a younger generation that is so much more open and free than we were 30 years ago. Like many of you, I wonder. I wonder what my life would be like if I had been willing to accept myself at that age, if I could have spent all that time being who I was instead of who I thought I should be. It feels like such a loss, so "grief" is the word I attach to it. It's the best word I could come up with, but it doesn't seem to capture the full weight of what's on my heart. So, I was reading a book this past weekend and one of the characters said, "I ache for who I was supposed to be." Yesssss. Until then, I just didn't have the words to express what I was feeling, but this was it! I ache. I ache for who I was supposed to be. When I spoke with my therapist about this - I told her about what I read and the impact it had - she said, "It was never yours." I'm confused. What was never mine? "This life you imagine for yourself, the one you're grieving. It was never yours." There's a calm that descends when you free yourself from the wondering game. And just like that, something felt gone. Not lost or released. Just gone. And I knew then that I had to put that feeling, that regret, that ache, in the ground. In hindsight, knowing what I know, I don't believe there's any way that I make different choices than those that I did. For whatever reasons, this is my path. It's been a bumpy road and if I've learned one thing from my time on EC, it's that we see ourselves in each others' stories. I hope some of you find comfort in these words. I did.
I have come to realize this too. I can't really give up what I gained in my phony life. I want my kids. That's not the only thing. I am realizing that there was value to my marriage beyond the kids. For some time, we were good together in many ways. I now have the strength to face an authentic life alone, than live in a lie. Any other scenario is just a fantasy. I had to go where I went to get the courage to be here. To live my life as the gay man I am.
Well said and your therapist is right. The life you "should have had" is the one you had and are having!
IanMkh.....I have felt exactly as you did. In one of my earliest posts here on empty closets I said: "There is a me who never got to be". For a while I was sad about not being my true self for such a long time. After a while I came to understand that, given the chance to go back and live differently, I wouldn't do it. I realized that I can't live thinking "what if" all the time. I have gone through a lot of changes in the last three 1/2 years...for that I am grateful and I no longer have to wonder "what if". .....David
That's so great that you've gained acceptance for your journey. I think that's the core of it. No matter your situation, you're not alone. Someone out there is going through a similar experience and through that there is connection, love, and acceptance. I see my experience as giving me a perspective and understanding some don't have. Which allows me to empathize with, have compassion for, and communicate better with certain groups who still coming to terms or accepting LGBT+.
IanMkh, I totally understand that "ache" you mention, and wonder about "what if". I too grew up in a time and place where there were expectations to live up to, which made "accepting" who I truly was like a mountain I could not climb. I also went down the "pray it away" path, but was left feeling flawed and ashamed as a person. As far as "putting that regret, that ache, in the ground", pretty difficult task, especially since emotions are involved. Some days are better than others...
