So I figured out I was gay when I was like 12 or so but I didn’t accept it until I was 21 and that’s what I’ve labeled myself ever since. But now I’m questioning some things about myself... So I know gay, I’m definitely attractive to guys but I don’t if I ever want to be in a relationship. I’ve never been in a relationship before and I’ve never had sex before. Yeah that’s right, I’m almost 30 and never had sex, shocking isn’t it lol. So let’s focus on attraction first: I’m definitely find guys attractive and everything, but I’ve never have experience strong feelings for anyone EXCEPT person and he ended up being straight. Like I’m not opposed to a relationship at some point, but I’ve never had feelings for anyone except for that one guy. So about the sex thing: so sex has never been a big deal to me. When it was ever brought up with my friends, I was kinda like “meh don’t care”. But that doesn’t mean I never want to, I think I just have low sex drive. I’m just old fashion and want to be in a relationship, and hooking up is very off putting to me. So I think I’m not asexual but I might be aromatic? What do y’all think? Edit: also hi I haven’t been to the forum in a long time.
No such thing as aromantic or even asexual. If you have no libido its a health issue, if you dont desire physical intimacy, its an intimacy issue. If you havent come out of the closet and even tried for love, well, surprise, a lot of people rationalize what is comfortable and safe. It's a bit like staying in the dark your entire life, you can convince yourself you have no need for the warmth of the sun. Except, you dont know what your missing, so you cant make that commentary. Work on self acceptance and get out there.
If you don't want to have a relationship with sex you don't have to. Many people don't. But, if it's finding a serious relationship that makes you interested in sex and a dislike for hookups, then that means your just like anybody else. I don't believe in the idea that asexuality doesn't exist many are quick to dismiss the idea. I have a friend who's asexual. Maybe you are aromantic but, no one here knows much about sexualities outside of the main sexuality binary, bi, gay, lesbian, pan. So, you won't get positive help here. There are sites for asexual/aromatic questioning. Consider those. Also keep in mind some people just have trouble getting relationships doesn't mean your aromatic, or asexual. And your sex drive has nothing to do with it really. It's about whether you want a relationship and where you are on the spectrum. Just like how I rarely have a relationship, because I know how emotional they can be and I have too much depression to handle that kind of vulnerability, unless it's with a perfectly equipped, capable mature, human being. Some people aren't enough to be in a relationship with me. I know what works and what doesn't from experience, so I steer clear of some people. Doesn't mean I'm asexual, or aromatic. I just know what I want. Also, I feel the same romantic intimacy before sexual intimacy, no random hookups. You're not alone in this. But, don't rush to label yourself aromantic just yet. Research and perhaps join a support group like this one, for aromantics to be sure. Wishing you luck on your journey~
I honestly wanted to stop reading when you said aromantics and asexuals don’t exist, because no, but I read the rest and wow. 1. I don’t have any issues, thanks. 2. I’m out to everyone except my parents, so no I’m not rationalizing anything. 3. “You don’t know what you’re missing” THIS PISSES ME OFF I’m not missing out with anything, I don’t think sex is this glorious thing that I have to do. 4. I’ve accepted who I am and I’m happy with myself, don’t assume anything about be. 5. I posted this seeking advice, not your condescending and pompous reply. Thank you for your respectful reply. Ok that what I think, but it’s nice to hear someone tell me that. Ok I’ll go check some out. I should of said this in the op, but did dabble a bit in online dating. I did talk to some guys and some asked me out, but I turned them down because I just wasn’t feeling it. Yeah maybe I’ll wait until I want to date to find out for sure, but for now, I really like being by myself right now.
1. I don’t have any issues, thanks. 2. I’m out to everyone except my parents, so no I’m not rationalizing anything. 3. “You don’t know what you’re missing” THIS PISSES ME OFF I’m not missing out with anything, I don’t think sex is this glorious thing that I have to do. 4. I’ve accepted who I am and I’m happy with myself, don’t assume anything about be. 5. I posted this seeking advice, not your condescending and pompous reply. 1. you clearly have issues 2. being out hardly means you arent engaging in rationalization 3. Never said sex was the most glorious thing 4. Then why are you here asking for advice? 5. Sometimes advice isnt what you want to hear.
What the fuck kind of bullshit is this? Lets simply admit that you have no idea what you are talking about. OP, don't have an answer for you, but know that its completely fine to not want to have sex or even be in a relationship if you don't want. It doesn't mean anything else other than that. Good luck with figuring things out and having the courage to do so!
1. All you know about me is from these posts, so how dare you tell me I have issues when you don’t know me? Just because you think someone never being in a relationship or having sex means there is something wrong with them. 2. Well I am, I want you to tell me how I’m not being rational from what I’ve posted. 3. Then what do you mean by “ I’m missing out” ? How am I supposed to interpret that? 4. Because I can still seek out advice even when I’m happy with how my life is. Being a little confused about my sexuality doesn’t mean I’m not happy with myself. 5. You haven’t gave any advice. You’ve been acephobic, told me I have issues, assume aspects of my life that aren’t true, and just been rude and know-it-all-y. So yeah I’m not going to engage with you any longer.
Um, this is factually incorrect. It is true that there's no evidence supporting the idea of a separation between romantic and sexual orientation, thus the idea of someone being "aromantic" isn't recognized by anyone credible. However, asexuality has been identified and studied for decades. Recently, a small-but-loud group of people have essentially hijacked the word to mean a whole bunch of things that are not supported by any credible research, but asexuality does most certainly exist. Sometimes true and sometimes not true. This is, for the most part, true. It's important when talking about issues like this that we convey the complexed and nuanced situation accurately. Now that we've gotten the bogus information out of the way, let's discuss the OP's actual issue. My suspicion is that there probably is a behavioral/psychological issue at play here; something that makes intimacy and emotionally vulnerable connection feel unsafe. This is a solvable problem and doesn't involve any sort of special label, but it something you can explore with a therapist. You might take a look at Brené Brown's three TED talks and see if that speaks to you; she is a research who specializes in shame, authenticity, and vulnerability, and the issues you are describing are usually intertwined with those issues. I hope this helps.
Thanks Chip for a well thought out response. “Something that makes intimacy and emotionally vulnerable connection feel unsafe.” Hmmm So I do suffer from depression and anxiety,and I do see therapist, but we have discussed my love life, but he’s never suggested that. I’ve told him I’m not interested in dating, so he hasn’t brought it up since, but when I see him next I’ll bring it up. It’s just that I really do feel like a lone wolf, at least right now. I mean if I really wanted to I can go out and date, or go hook up, but again, when I think about it I’m just like meh.
Well... one other thing to keep in mind: One of the more common side effects of both depression and anxiety is a reduced interest in relationships and sexual activity. This is one of the major confounds in all of the information put out there by "the asexual community"; their own (crappy) studies even show that better than 60% of those who identify as asexual or aromantic also identify as having anxiety or depression, yet their studies fail to account for that as the causative factor. If you weren't interested in dating and it wasn't having any negative impact on your life, then it wouldn't be something a therapist would typically look at. And yet, what I hear from your post above is that it does in some way affect you. So I think it is worth bringing up again, and exploring. Sexuality (especially specifics of sex and masturbation) is something many therapists are uncomfortable really delving into, so it could be that is playing into it. Or he could have honestly not felt it was a particularly important piece. However, since the work you are doing with him is (or should be) client-driven, this is something to further explore with him.
