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Second Choice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sawyer, Jul 29, 2018.

  1. Sawyer

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    Sorry for the long post.

    So I know I am being completely irrational or overthinking this too much, but I think I just need to vent and have some sense smacked into me.

    I was out for dinner with my current gf (of over a year). Things were going good until she brought up something I had said. I don’t remember saying it, there was a lot of alcohol involved last week, but it was something to the lines of my gf not having trouble meeting people. That kind of snowballed into when we first met and how you kind of play the dating field—which is completely fine and I knew she had been seeing other people when we first started dating because when she met my sister she mentioned that we went to a bar I know we didn’t go. So I was thinking it was within the first month we were dating.

    A little bit of context; when it came time to celebrate our anniversary, we both couldn’t remember when we made it official. I know four months in she started calling me her gf and it was her idea to celebrate on the day we went on our first date because she told me, at that time, there was really no one else for her and it just made sense.

    Last night she confessed there was someone else she was really into and interested in at the same time, and it didn’t work with that person as she hoped so she decided to stay with me instead and make things more official,

    Honestly, I was super crushed to find out I was the second choice. I already have a little bit of self-esteem issues and to know that, again, I am someone’s runner up, hurt. Also the fact that she lied earlier bothered me.

    I was too shocked/hurt to say anything.

    I guess I am upset because I thought for once someone actually liked me, and that I was more than just a consolation prize.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you cope? How do I let this go? How do I not let it affect my self-esteem?
     
  2. Lin1

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    Frankly, I think it was quite mean of her to go into the details and pretty much admit that, had it work with the other girl, she probably wouldn't have been dating you, it is rude and unnecessary and I would be quite hurt so fully understand that you are.


    That being said, she may not have fully valued you then, but the most important part is that she values you NOW, that she is happy that it didn't work out with the other girl because it opened doors to meeting you and be with you and live the life she currently has with you, is that the case ?
    If so then I would try and let it go, her feelings toward that other girl at the time isn't a reflection of you as a person, it's only about how she felt towards that girl.

    Good luck and try and not let it bring you down.
     
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  3. Bernice

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    Or what she is saying here that she had two choices and she choose you over the other person. If she had a chance with that other person and it didn't work out then maybe it wasn't meant to be and it was you that she was meant to be with. Doesn't make you a consolation prize. I don't think anyone would simply choose to be with someone because another option didn't work out so it's clear that when she chose you it was because she wanted to be with you.

    In the end perhaps the best way of thinking about it is you wasn't a consolation prize but was the winner. You got the girl, the other person didn't.

    Hope this helps x
     
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  4. OGS

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    To be honest I'm not sure I understand the problem. Assuming one's partner is someone who doesn't cheat or stray, if they've dated other people the only way they end up with you is because the other people didn't work out--it's sort of definitional. Both my husband and I dated lots of other people before we met each other. Had we married one of those other people I think it's pretty clear we wouldn't have married each other. I really do think things pretty much work out the way they're supposed to so I think there's that dimension as well--maybe other things didn't work out because this one was supposed to. My husband, on the other hand, decidedly doesn't believe in fate. Neither of us think of ourselves or the other as consolation prizes, though...
     
  5. Sawyer

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    I think that is why I am hurt the most. I think she got rejected by the person she actually wanted to be with, and since we were seeing each other at the same time as well, she just went to her fallback.


    I know she loves me now. Which is why I am being so irrational. Thanks for your response :slight_smile:
     
  6. Sawyer

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    Thank you for your response :slight_smile:
     
  7. Sawyer

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    I guess my issue is that (and again I know I am being irrational) is that the girl she wanted rejected her, hence why she went to her fallback person. And also they lying that I was the only one she was interested in the most at the time, only to find out I wasn't, and there was someone else she was seeing at the same time as me for 3 months, that didn't work out.

    Had I known 3 months into dating that she was still seeing someone else, I probably would have ended it. I get within the first month of dating to play the field, but 2-3 months of dating the same person, I think a person should know who they want.

    I just wish she wouldn't have lied about it.

    Thank for your response :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Sawyer, Jul 29, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2018