Hey, I've been looking for sometime here and just decided to create an account. Hopefully this is okay her, I'm not finding anywhere else close that matches me on here.... I'm afab, and bigender (at least, I'm pretty sure). Half the time I love my body (minus the extra weight), and the other half of the time I completely hate it and am very discomforted by it. When I am female, I love doing my hair, makeup and wearing dresses. I love my pronouns and name. When I am Male I hate my body and face. Feel very detached from it. Pronouns dont bother me much outside of my home, though on Male days I love when my husband uses my Male name and pronouns. But it doesnt bother me much if not used when out. I'm exploring my identity and now that I've accepted my Male self, I feel happy, exhilarated, and downright terrified. My issue is that I dont know if I should come out. My husband is aware of my expiring and seems to be supportive. I'm an adult with my own family. My husbands family are very catholic and not understanding whatsoever to the lgbt community. My family is very conservative religious people. Again, not convenient for a gender non conforming person. Additionally, I have kids that I dont want to confuse or scare. I dont want them bullied for me being who I am. And honestly, even when I am a guy, I love being mommy. I never want that to change. For now I am good being my Male self inside my home mostly when the kids are asleep or not home. I do wear my husbands clothes alot both inside the home and out in public and this doesnt bother them as I've always done this. I have binded my chest and recently packed in front of them, but they didnt seem to notice, as I guess in some way I've always tried flattening my chest. And truthfully, they just weren't looking at my lower area and asking about it. Currently, I am not comfortable wearing my beard and using my Male name and pronouns around my kids family or friends. But the urge to go out in public as my Male self is strong. When I'm Male, I have to have a beard. It's the only way I feel remotely close to who I am. I spend a lot of tedious time applying a fake beard to wear around my house a few hours a day while my kids are at school. I havent been able to do this as its summer, and I'm feeling lost lately. The feeling of needing to have my beard is becoming almost unbearable at times. My questions....Should I just come out and deal with all the hate, questions, confusion and problems? Should I just be my Male self at home? Should I try going somewhere away from home to be Male in public? What was it like your first time going out??? Also, my hair is straight and halfway down my back. if I choose not to come out but cut my hair short (shaved pixie), will this out me regardless??? Should i cut my hair? I keep going back and forth. I feel like I really want to and then my anxiety and fear creeps back In. If i cant even cut my hair how am i going to get through the biggest stuff??? Should I start by slowly wearing more mens clothes (meaning i start buying my own vs. Wearing my husbands) until I'm comfortable wearing them out and people dont even notice??? People dont notice now as I frequently go out in his tshirts and basketball shorts. But I want to get my own mens Jean's, flannels, boots, button ups. But I'm afraid cutting my hair and beginning to wear my own clothes mens clothes will completely out me if I dont come out. I'm sorry for the long post. My thoughts are currently jumbled.
Well, first off, congrats on this discovery! This is huge! Anyway, right of the back ima tell you that cutting your hair will not out you. Loads of straight cis women have short short short hair. It's fine. As for the coming out bit, I can only tell you what I think. Please do not take my word as gospel (religious joke in bad taste? okay, my bad...). Please don't do anything you are uncomfortable with. I say start by coming out to your kids. Children tend to be really good at receiving this kind of information. Sit them down and explain that, "sometimes mommy feels more like a boy than a girl. But I'm still your mommy." (Sorry I have no idea how old your kids are.) Chances are that they won't have any questions at first. To them, this changes nothing. You're still mommy? Cool. Now can we go play? But even if they do have questions, answer them as honestly as you feel comfortable with. It has been my experience that kids are far more intelligent than we give them credit for. Also, kids generally don't understand gender (as it is a learned thing) so it's possible that they see no issue in being both a boy and a girl. Coming out to your conservative family is something I can't help with. Though I did come out to mine, I was not ready to do so... I was coerced into telling them by my oldest cousin. I was very much shaken by their comments and attempts to convince me I'm "just a tomboy". Eventually, they will begin to notice that you are different and then you'll have to decide what to do. But please remember that no decision needs to be made right now. You can take as much time as you need. And it is okay never to come out to some people; coming out is your thing. You control it and it's your choice. I know this is a little off topic, but if you are raising your children religiously, it might help to explain to them that everyone is the way they are for a reason, and that you are exactly how God (or another way to refer to a high power, as you did not specify what religion you were raised as/subscribe to) intended you. Having your husband with you as you tell your kids would also help. Solidarity of the family and what not. I hope I've helped. Then again, maybe I didn't. What do I know? I'm just an 18-year-old...
Thank you. Your advice sounds good. The only thing is I wouldn't tell my kids until I was ready to come out or they're older...simply because they're kids and though they may not really care one way or the other, they are bad and not telling people things. So that would most likely be throwing myself under the proverbial bus. As for cutting my hair, for the moment I'm back on board! I definitely want to cut it. I have a wedding I'm in in September and have to wait until after the wedding (as I promised the bride I would). I sure hope I dont change my mind a million times between now and actually doing it. I'm trying to do some soul searching and for now I'm good just keeping my genderfluidity between me and my husband. I mean, my family know I dress as a "tomboy" and that I often wear his clothing. I really dont think that binding and wearing more masculine clothing to match how I feel will out me. Now, packing on the other hand? I cant decide what to do here. For obvious reasons I'd never wear my beard out of my house. But there have been times I'd feel more comfortable packing out. Do people really notice a bulge??? I want that for me. Not for them.
