What if I make all the wrong choices and I end up regretting every decision I’ve made and have to backpedal on everything? What if I start transitioning and end up regretting it in the future? There’s certain things that T does that can’t be reverted back. Two or so years ago, I had gone to see a therapist who was ready to make an appointment with an endo the very first session, I could have been on T for about 2 years now. Why didn’t I do it? I wasn’t out to my parents, though I think they suspected something, and I really don’t think I was ready. What if I’m moving too fast and I’m trying to get this done sooner than I’m ready too? I think the closest I am to cis is...butch-identifying queer person...if that makes any sense. I’m trying to figure this out and I have an appointment in a couple months with a therapist who, I hope can straighten some of these thoughts out.
I've been where you are. First, take a deep breath, okay? Breathe slowly. Remember that none of these decisions need to be made right now. So, you're worried about regretting your choices. That's understandable. There are a few things you can do in terms of transitioning that are totally 100% reversible... Changing your hairstyle Altering your wardrobe Experimenting with names and pronouns Binding and/or packing You can totally try any/all of those. And if you decide you don't like it? No big deal. (Just, maybe don't throw out any old clothes yet). Also, consider reasons that you want to go on T. Weigh them against the reasons you haven't gone on T. Make a list. Seriously, make a physical list you can look at. Something big for me that helped me realize that T was right for me is my needle phobia. I used to HATE shots. Like, as a kid I screamed so loud another nurse ran into the room because she thought I was being hurt. But when I considered going on T? The needle didn't scare me. That's how important medical transition was for me; I was willing to face a huge fear of mine. Maybe take a look at that list and see what's in the column preventing you from starting. Is there anything you'd think should be there but isn't actually a worry for you in this case? Something else to consider is that this could very well be a phase; THAT IS OKAY. Think about all the phases you've gone through in your life. They were so important to you then and made you who you are today. So right now, in this moment, take some time to accept that your needs right now are just as important, if not more important, than hypothetical future needs. But, above all, talk to a therapist, preferably one who is trained in gender-specific counseling. I am but another trans person. I have no formal training and can only speak for what I know to be true for me. Talk to someone who knows what they're doing and let them know how you feel. Being honest with your therapist is going to help so so much. Psychologists (even ones not familiar with the gender dysphoria diagnosis) will be able to help you. I hope this has helped. Don't feel like a stranger; message me directly anytime or reply to this and we can chat.
I've already done 3 of the 4 things. It just sucks, cause right now I'm back in my hometown where I can't exactly experiment with names/pronouns. I know I'm more masculine-of-center, but where? I worry that maybe I'm more genderqueer than male, but every now-and-then I get these, "shifts" if you will, that make me think "oh, I'm just genderqueer/butch" or "no, I am male". At the time, when I got a referral for T, I wanted to be open with my parents and what my plans were (I wasn't out then). At the time, again, I was still sort of questioning, and the therapist also made a referral after the first session. When I told another therapist I saw, even they said that was way too soon to refer someone after one session (they were great, but I stopped seeing this person cause it was quite expensive). Though, when I made that appointment, I wanted to talk more about gender and what I was thinking and was hoping they'd help me figure some stuff out. I am seeing someone else in a couple months, which honestly can't get here fast enough.
A couple months ago I had a major re-evaluation of whether I wanted to continue transitioning or not. I feared that maybe I had started too soon, and I became unsure. Now I realize those thoughts arose because I was nearing a "point of no return," so to speak. I was coming up on 6 months on testosterone and had just had my consultation for top surgery. Whenever we near a major life decision, it is completely natural to re-evaluate whether that is what you truly want. For me, I often haven't been completely sure of something until I have done it. In the first few months of hormone therapy it should become evident whether it's right for you. Even if you do go on hormones for a few months to try it out, it is still possible to "go back" and be able to pass as female or androgynous. Though I think the wisest thing is to see a professional, and take your time in really figuring out if hormones are something you want. There is no need to rush. Personally, I struggled with when to get my top surgery because I feared I wouldn't be emotionally ready if I got it done this winter. So I opted to delay it to next summer, to be sure I have enough time to be fully ready both physically and emotionally. There is no shame in waiting until you are 100% sure.
