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Really need help, parent lied, can’t get over it

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by YeahpIdk, Jul 26, 2018.

  1. YeahpIdk

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    I really need some kind of help or advice.

    If any of you have followed some of my posts, you know I’ve been dealing with a chronic illness these past three years. It’s a “mystery” illness that has doctors baffled or dismissive, but affects my nasal breathing and head. It’s too much to go into, but I am often times in discomfort from not being able to breathe well and have abnormal head pain when I move certain ways/exert myself. This is important to know because it’s why this is such a big deal and problem. I’ve been unable to work, or function normally (have been getting a bit better with time, but not enough),so am reliant on family right now - mostly my mother.

    A year ago around this time, I was extremely ill, and she got a job offer to move a few states away. It would be the first time she’d be living completely on her own (bills wise), and every nightmare about the situation I could have had turned into reality: got there and her job fell through, lived in a hotel waiting for the job to start and lost a ton of money, then moved to Florida (because we had family there and she’d always wanted to live there so it seemed like a good time to do it since the car was packed, didn’t heed warnings that it sucked there), my mom fell victim to identity theft that screwed her bank accounts up constantly, and took a shitty expensive apartment while my mom had to job hop because places would shut down left and right (sometimes without warning and without paying her — it was completely INSANE) and they paid garbage. Then, naturally from having no money, we got kicked out of our shitty expensive apartment — though neither of us were too upset because of everything above, plus it sucked in Florida and the apartment.

    I kept charging up my credit cards to help out with things, because she told me she had money coming in from suing the job that had originally made her move states. The lawsuit either fell through or was never real, because I found out she lied to me. She’d been lying to me about putting money into my account and bouncing checks, and lied that she had the lawsuit money once everything had fallen to pieces and we had to move back in with family.

    Now, I was and have been sick on top of all of this, and I think I had a slight nervous breakdown. I have daily nervous breakdowns from being unwell, but this sent me over the edge and I have been an angry psycho ever since. My mother told me that she was panicking out of her mind and didn’t know what to do. That she thought she was getting paid (one job shut down and didn’t pay her over $2,000, I know that’s true) but it kept never showing up in her bank account and she was losing it, especially on top of the identity theft. She also says that she was waiting for the lawsuit money and didn’t know what else to say to me. The thing is, it’s not even the lie, it’s how she lied. Like, as if she was just saying the sky was blue. And I had to really ride her ass to even get it out of her. She pretended she put it in my account at one point even while the bank was telling me there were zero deposits. It was insane and I honestly feel/felt like I lost my mother. She wasn’t the mother I knew, and even though things are a little better now, I feel like I can’t get over it.

    Every little thing that happens, I totally freak out and accuse her of lying. It’s like when a husband or wife cheats, but I can’t divorce her. I can put myself into a scary universe of lies with my thoughts and I feel like the entire world is caving in on me because I’m still not well enough to work and be completely independent. I am afraid I’m going to end up homeless a lot of the time because maybe I can’t rely on my mom at all.

    Being sick with something doctors can’t find and looking okay on the outside also makes people completely unsympathetic to me and sometimes I just want to disappear because I can’t take it and don’t understand how I got here. I used to be completely normal: one of those psycho 24/7 worker bees, a social life, etc. but now I have zero friends and the people in my family I’d normally ask for advice don’t feel safe to confide in.

    My mom has never been like this. She says that going through the identity theft and job situation (which she’s seriously never ever been in) really screwed her up and made her make bad decisions. We always had a, from what I thought, really good relationship where I tell her everything and were almost like the Gilmore Girls. It’s always been just us. No father in the picture at all, no help from him. It’s always just been her. She thinks I am unforgiving and need to “get over it already,” but I mentally can’t. I feel like she’s always lying now. Almost to the point of delusion (me being delusional), and it’s turning into a serious mental health problem. I already have generalized anxiety, since I’m sick it’s severe and after all of this, well...sometimes I’m surprised I’m not in a psych facility at moments of sheer unhingedness. I’ve never had this much instability in my life. I do not handle instability well even when I’m not sick, and I don’t know what to do because I rely on her right now and have almost no other choice.

    I need input. I don’t think she’s a bad person, but I don’t know anymore. Everything is so amplified because I feel completely out of control of my life.

    I don’t have money for therapy right now.
     
  2. Laughsalot

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    It sounds a lot to me like your mum was just stressed beyond the limit of being able to cope, and just panicked herself into a mess. There is no doubting that she handled some of this badly but it sounds like she had no control over over a lot of it. She is only human and humans make mistakes!

    I have anxiety too so I understand how difficult it is to let things like this go.Believe me! I do think however that you need to cautiously move forward. You've both had a bad time, it sounds like you are still having a bad time. I suspect that if you allow your anxiety to take over you will continue to have a bad time. You love your mum. She loves you. You have been there for each other in the past. Don't allow a shitty patch to take that away from you! Don't let the anxiety win!
     
  3. idsm

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    As a person that has lied (and is still lying) to her whole family, I need you to know that we do it mostly out of fear. Your mother didn't want to let you down, to fail you, to distress you even more, to burden you. She thought that she would be able to quickly handle it and then everything would be ok. The situation got out of hand, one lie brought another and she found herself in a place where she couldn't tell you the truth anymore. I agree it wasn't the right thing to do, but I do understand her.

    We all are flawed and your mother is no exception. You have to see her as a whole picture and not focus only on this one thing. If she has been a good mother and friend, if she was there for you when you needed her and you had noone else, if she tried to understand you and help you in your illness, you should try to do the same for her and forgive her. Work with her to find a solution to the current situation.

    Best of luck.
     
    Peterpangirl and LostInDaydreams like this.
  4. YeahpIdk

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    Thanks for your replies, and apologies for my delayed response.

    I haven't felt that great from my "issue" (should probably give it a good pet name, like how Stephen King calls his Corgi, The Thing Of Evil) and have been exhausted by this. We had a somewhat okay weekend together, but I'm still always suspicious of her now - which I freaking hate. I'd never be around anyone that made me feel uneasy because they're a liar in any other situation.

    I am really trying to forgive, as it's the first and only extremely horrible thing she's ever done to me. She's always been a great mother, maybe not great to herself so much, but has always done any and everything for me. She still does. Makes sure I don't have to do anything that will make my head pain abnormal (bending, running around, etc), makes sure things are dust free for me and makes my bed still. I imagine her life is incredibly fucked up from me being sick, as well. I'm sure she never would have thought she'd be taking care of me at almost 30 because of whatever the hell happened to me -- which only makes me spiral and get more depressed, and lash out, usually around her. Nothing seems fair anymore and my mental health is, much of the time, down the toilet. I honestly can't even believe where my life is.

    @Laughsalot thank you so much for your note. I think you're right. I can't let this patch ruin everything, and I really need to stay as stress free as possible to even try making a full recovery from this...as sometimes I think stress is what triggered this.

    And @idsm (hey :slight_smile: ) -- thank you as well. I know it's because she was scared, and does it to hide any problems, but it's hard when she let's the rug be pulled out from under me, especially in this situation, which I imagine is why she's even more scared for me to know the truth, or to just admit failure and reroute -- a vicious cycle.

    Everything is just hard because I'm unwell, and have little control over my life, which is SO not for me. I mean...prior to this, and even in this, I am probably what someone would call a slight control freak.

    Thanks again <3