Please don't tell me to move on. I was/am/still am/ madly in love with him. I did everything humanly possible for him, just to prove one thing: I love him. He is a little younger than I am and our relationship started as a very platonic, respectful friendship. But the signs of mutual love were always there. Apparently, I come of as a very hard to get guy. But I opened myself to him. I remember the first week I spent with him and I remember how he would look at me. I remember how he tried to find ways of coming close to me, trying to find ways to hold long conversations with me. And I decided to let him in my heart. He was in a difficult situation in life, where he had financial, health, family and so many issues going on all together. I helped him in all the ways I could. I offered advice, offered financial help, assisted him in medical treatments, God I did so many things for him that were never my problem. We became very close, but never had the courage to indulge in any kind of sexual acts. We went on many unofficial dates. Many. We would sit together, catch each other staring in one another's eyes, find ways to make small body contact. But we never had the dare to hold hands, never had the courage to kiss (something I have wished for to happen every single fuc***g day). Maybe I let off my guard too much. I became too transparent. I became so helplessly in love with him that I would do anything for him - without him even asking for it. It even went to the point where I let him move into my place so that he could get his shit together. I have taken care of him, have fed him, have never asked for a single penny in return. I have held back my desire/urges to go in his room, undress him and make wild love with him. I have never violated his privacy. The fact that we have never been able to advance physically has eaten me from inside. There have been times I have found him checking me out so blatantly, and there have been times when he has caught me staring longingly at him. But we have never dared to do anything. To be honest, I didn't know what I thought would happen by letting him move in to my place. That was the closest I could let him be to me. We lived like a married couple - minus the sex and sharing a bed. And then my other friends started telling me that he was using me for his benefits. My family thought I was being an unnecessary big brother to him. At first, I would argue back to them but then after four months that he had lived with me, I realized that perhaps they were right. He never reciprocated the generosity, the care I bestowed on him. Not once he said thank you, not once he offered to take me out for dinner/lunch, not once he cooked anything for me, not once he expressed verbally any kind of gratitude. I even bought him presents on various occasions, which he too never reciprocated. I still love him, I do. I remember the nights I have cried for him. It's been a year we have known each other. I have thought about him every single day and night. I have spent so much time with him that I can't imagine a life without him. He is funny and so damn cute. When he is not around me, like when I am at work, he texts me like crazy - so that in a way I am never away from him. I get it that he is in a rut, but after having so many arguments with my other friends and family I have started doubting his intentions, slightly. Several weeks ago he casually mentioned that some of his friends have asked him to move with them. I was shocked how okay he was to announce that. I didn't see any remorse/hurt/love/expressions on his face. I was so shocked that I said 'sure' almost without thinking. And he didn't say a word more. Neither did I. Was it that easy for him to say he is moving out? We haven't talked about it afterwards. Somehow it feels like the end of everything. I fail to understand how he couldn't see the love I have had for him? I understand that perhaps he wanted physical satisfaction from me, which I couldn't offer but there was platonic side to our relationship. Why didn't he acknowledge or reciprocate my love for him? Why suddenly I feel that he did use me to his gains? How can I just ignore the fact that I have dedicated/wasted an entire year of my life for him? How can I just forget him, and move on???
The one big problem that I read here, and maybe its just a detail you forgot to mention, but these three sentences sum it up very well, in my opinion. You never mentioned whether or not you have communicated any of this to him. Have you told him how much you care for him? Have you sat him down and had a genuine conversation about reciprocating the kindness you have showed him. Or at least shows some sort of appreciation. At least from what you have said, it sounds like he might feel something. I would be careful though that your own feelings aren't causing you too look into this too much. So, I would suggest talking to him. Communication is one of the hardest but simplest things you can do to help with any rough situation between two people.
As Littleleo said, communication is key. Just because we do nice things for people doesn't mean they know how we feel about them. He had no way of reading your mind to know how you felt about him. I don't know his background, but if everyone in his past treated him the way you did then he just expected your behavior and accepted it as normal with no reason to say thanks or reciprocate. If he hadn't moved out then talk with him and tell him what you've shared here. If he has moved out then contact him and meet up and let him know how you feel. Might not change anything but hopefully it will help you and perhaps he will explain himself.
I have never said "I love you" because somehow those words feel too unwanted. However, I have gone great lengths to express my feelings in other ways. I have said things like, "I like you unlike my other friends", "I don't make friends with every other person; my friends are very special to me", "I WANT YOU TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE FOREVER". No, he is not used to people treating him the way I have. His family kind of treats him in a shitty way. Perhaps, perhaps, my feelings for him have led me to believe things that don't exist BUT I promise you it was him that encouraged my feelings. I have done so much, so much, so much, so much for him that the idea of me having to tell him verbally I LOVE YOU sounds ridiculous. HE KNOWS I LOVE HIM. I feel used/manipulated but my heart refuses to accept this. I can't stop him from going away but then why did he enter my life and developed such a symbiosis? I feel I have lost all my value by being too kind to him. WHY? WHY? WHY?
I agree with the others: while actions speak louder than words, sometimes people (like me) need to be told verbally as well. I'm so dense that all the signs were there that my gf liked me when we first started seeing each other, that she had to verbally ask me if she could kiss me because I missed ALL the signs. Even with saying I love you. By the time I first said it to her, our actions toward each other indicated that we did. But it's still nice to verbally indicate it once in awhile. And I don't think you lost your value by caring for him. Maybe he just wasn't in a place to accept that kindness.
This might sound tough, but I think you have to hear it. Take it how you will This isn't how it works. What you did to him was being kind not showing love. Friends would do that to a friend without expecting things in return. To you, all the things you gave him was saying "I love you" but to him it just meant "I care that you are in trouble". To me, and this is based just on your posts, it sounds like he accepted your help without fully knowing what he was signing up for and what you truly expected of him. And even if he were to like you back, this type of situation is completely unhealthy ground to start a relationship. The power imbalance is so great that his survival is highly dependent on you. How is he supposed to be able to be with you when his survival depends on you? That means that he would be afraid to disagree with you, fight with you, etc because you could kick him out at any time. You don't suffer from the same power imbalance because if you walk away you don't lose anything. I will say that all of this he might be doing subconsciously. He might not have thought it through, but he definitely feels it to some degree. He NEEDED you to survive. If you were him would you have said no to so much help and support? Hell no. Even if you didn't like the person to the same degree, what is the alternative? You lost your value because you weren't up front about your feeling with him and when he didn't respond how you wanted now you regret it. If you were kind, you wouldn't regret being "too kind" to him because regardless of how you and him end up, you should be proud of yourself that you helped someone in need period. Whether that person talk to you ever again or not. That is what kindness means. This! This is it. You know your feelings are unwanted. You were never honest with him because you had a feeling that he would reject you. So instead of being open about it, you tried to do it through gifts, help and support. Things that he should expect from just a friend. Your family thinking that he us using you is crazy because you are the one that offered everything. You signed up for this. You decided to give everything to this person without expecting anything back. So why are you now mad that you did all of that and haven't gotten anything back from him?
Thank you all, and especially 'smurf'. Smurf, you have given very honest answer and I truly appreciate what you have written. I take constructive criticism very open-heartedly. What you have written is almost 100% true. He needed me and he took whatever he could get. But intentionally/unintentionally you skipped the part where you didn't explain how a person can be so mean/selfish, where they can't even say a thank you in return. This guy had plenty of opportunities to walk away with dignity. He chose to stay and accept the benefits. And even though I could see his reluctance to reciprocate, I was willing to give more. Not because I was afraid to lose him but because I loved him. I still do love him. But isn't he too responsible for aggravating the situation? He stuck around, pretended to be what he was not. And I can't accept that he failed to see my love. Anyway, he leaves today. I sit helplessly watch him pack, and pretend everything is okay. I am shattered from inside; all that I did for him had no reality. We weren't meant to be together. I have always believed that God compensates/rewards for the efforts, and today I am unable to feel God's Benevolence around me. So much of love for me. Never again :'(
