When I get my hair cut it's wrong, because they see a feminine body and they purposely cut it wrong..they don't cut it short enough. I try to buy a flannel in the women's section it hugs my waist, chest, arms it's terrible. In the men's section it's too huge on me, but if I don't get it large it doesn't fit my chest. I have to save up and use my own money when I live at home with my single mother just to get the things I want. It's an argument over whether it's appropriate for a woman to wear a man's body spray, or cologne. I say specifically I need a good holding hair product even tell a brand. What I get instead is some pathetic excuse of a product chosen to "fluff" my hair and "volumize" it. When I ask why I was given a product to make my hair flowy, volumized, and fluffy instead of a good holding product used to push your hair up, not even the brand I asked for. For the record she bought me something that was the same price as the brand I asked for, it's not like it was too expensive, I'm a considerate person. When I ask why I got it, she says, because you need to fluff up your short hair to look feminine. I get so angry, because we've been over this, that I hate being feminine. But, then I get a whole argument over how ridiculous it is to be a woman that doesn't like to be feminine. I told her I like boy things..I thought that was clear. I'm frustrated, because I'm not completely flat chested with invisible breasts and I have endless curves. I'm the exact body type that every woman wants to have, but I'm a man!! I hate this body..all anyone does is try to force me into accepting my body..because it's so beautiful and people would hate to see me waste it. I tell them I'm trans..everybody's angry at me, because I wasted my whole body and I'm going to ruin it. All I wanted was to be myself..but, now I'm Satan's spawn and an ungrateful person. I can never pass until I reduce my chest size, even with my binding I'd pretty much still be noticeably unmanly. I try to look okay, but I can't..there isn't any way. It makes me sad..because right now..all I can be is a curvy, big chested woman..in men's clothes. I've tried everything..I'd have to sweat to death just to layer clothes to hide my chest. It kills me..it's the small things that make me happy. The fact that women's tanks show off my muscles and my short hair makes my face look nice. That men's cologne goes great with me and that top makes me like adorably boyish. But, lately..I can't even get much of the small things. Everything's a fight..and I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I don't know if I can take fighting my mother and my family. If I can take the angry responses at me from women at my school and in public who I barely even know. Why does everyone hate me? Why is everything so difficult? I feel like that outcasted trans guy..because I'm curvy I'm big chested..and they're flat, boxy bodies. I get rejected as trans everyday when I tell someone..it's like I can't be trans, because.. I wear women's clothes I have to nothing in the men's ever manages to fit me unless I shop online and then, I have to fight the brick wall that is my family to do so. I can't be trans, because..I have a big chest that cannot be hid. I can't be trans, because I'm too adorable and soft, sensitive so I seem feminine. These are all comments from real people who are trans, nonbinary, genderfluid, etc. I just..I feel so sad. It's like I can't be a cis male and I can't even be at least treated like one by other accepting transgender people. I can't even pass..or, shop where I want to shop at, in the men's section. I feel so hopeless..
Hey Ashton. I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time. Just know that not everyone hates you. Even if you don't always have a support network in real life, you'll always have one on this site. And know that your identify is valid. Regardless of what you see when you look in the mirror, you're a man, through and through. And from what I've seen of your posts, you're an incredibly strong and courageous one at that. So use that strength when you're feeling at your lowest. Being trans means that the day is filled with little things that can chip away at you. As hard as that is, try not to let it grind you down. Focus on those little things to get through, one day at a time. I know it's a cliche, but just getting through one day at a time has helped me so much. And if you need to, break it down more. Focus on getting through the next hour, the next minute. I know that sometimes you just want to escape the pain. At least that's what I so often want. But if you think you might hurt yourself, please get help. Sometimes being trans is fucking terrible. And it's easy to believe that it will always be that way. But you will meet people who will accept you and love you and show you that you're worthy of love. You will be able to transition and make your outside match your inside. You will wake up one day and be so happy to be who you are. Being trans makes it so hard to love ourselves, not just because we often don't like what we see in the mirror, but also because others can be so unaccepting of our true selves. Find things you love about yourself and hold on to them, and remember them the next time someone makes you feel less than. I don't know what else to say other than to keep fighting everyday to be the person you are. Just keep fighting to be you. And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'll listen. Take care.
I sort of get where you're coming from. I, too, am a curvy transmasc person. Though I am not large chested, I also have curves for days, hips like a billboard, and the softest femme face. TL;DR I don't pass well. I don't have any advice that you haven't already heard before; wear hats, glasses and shades distort face shape, swimming trunks without elastic hide hips... but I can relate? I was kind of just wondering if you wanted to be friends? Talk about this shit together? I would have sent this to you as a private message but I can't send you one.
Hi, Ashton sorry that you're going through a tough time, sweetie. If it helps I to have a large chest and I'm quite curvy despite being trans. Finding clothes is difficult but don't give up. If your able to and its safe for you to do so, consider maybe going to the store and buying men's hygiene products yourself. I know at the beginning of my transition Iw ould buy men's clothing and hygiene products and then hide them from my parents. I'm by no means telling you to do so but maybe just buying it on your own and mentioning it to your parents would help them see that you really are male. The more you stand by your identity the more they realize that this is who you are. Being told that your identity isn't real must be so hard. But the more you stick to it and say "this is me" the more people will just have to just get used to it. Think of your body as a slab of marble. Right now it's not what you want. But you get to carve and create yourself with that marble. What I trying to say is one day you'll feel more comfortable in your body. Don't let people bring you down even though its hard as heck not to.
