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Working on regaining perspective

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jul 23, 2018.

  1. baristajedi

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    Stuff I talked about in my latest thread has motivated me to start another, more reflective thread. I'll give the relevant background.

    Apologies to everyone who knows my background and who might find this thread repetitive. I feel like I need to reflect on my journey a bit to help myself gain clarity.

    ---

    So I'm struggling right now, because things feel hard and because I have worries for my daughter and because my relationship with my partner is undergoing loads of stress. That struggle has made me question all of my choices and feel loads of painful feelings about my past. I want to try here to think through my journey to feel some greater strength in where I am, and in what's gotten me here.

    As many of you know, my story is that I've always been gay and always known it on some level. But I was still closeted, for various reasons, and I ended up married to a guy and had a daughter. I can't help but feel awful about these facts sometimes, because I look at my daughter and watch her struggle through her feelings about the separation, and I feel worries, I feel like shit, I feel like her life is so much more complicated than it has to be. But when I look back at my life, and put myself into the place I was mentally at all stages in my life, I think I couldn't have done things differently. I had so many complex feelings of shame, denial and suppression about my sexuality. But how's could I have felt any differently? The sexual abuse I'd gone through, the way society told me my sexuality was wrong, it pushed me into that set of feelings about who I am. I couldn't have chosen any different path either once I started acknowledging my sexuality. The emptiness and pain at being in the closet was too much to bear, and leaving was the only right choice for me.

    On many levels I feel strong for leaving. And on many levels I feel like this will create a better future for my daughter, she will see a mum who lives her truth. Hopefully a happier mum as well, though happiness is very murky and inconsistent lately. She is getting through it all I think, I just worry so much. She struggles with her dad, she wants to always be with me and can't seem to get past that feeling to feel positive about their time. I hate seeing her cry. She struggles with the idea of having two homes, but she's also showing signs of overall happiness and security most of the time now.

    The truth is, no matter what, she would have had something difficult to live through, with my ex and myself if we'd stayed (unhappily) married, or with us separating. How does one even make the right choice? I just have to trust that my instincts were right, and believe in the value of who I am and filling my needs.


    My partner and I are struggling a lot right now. When we struggle with our coparenting, I remember that the home life with my ex, while deeply flawed, was reaching a less stressful stage in terms of parenting. And that makes me think, how does this feel like an improvement? When my partner and I feel less connected I also think well, being closeted in a straight marriage also made me feel disconnected to my ex partner and so again, how is this an improvement?

    That sounds really harsh and extreme and I realise that it's flawed thinking.

    The reality is this. Coming out has provided my life a completely new lease on fulfilment, joy, truth, strength. I didn't come out to find a new partner and leave my old one. I also didn't expect it to create an easy life. I knew each bit of coming out, separating, and restarting my life was going to be challenging. What I didn't expect was that a traumatic tragedy would happen so early into the start of my new life. But what else Ian that but just life?

    Coming out, separating, living my truth, what has it done for me?

    It's made me feel more strong and sure of who I am, I feel greater integrity, greater authenticity in my life, I feel better about who I am,I like me more and I feel I'm making the hard but right choices now.

    It also brought joy for a while. I want that joy back. I just have to believe that with a fight, I will reclaim that joy. There will always be big difficulties in life and normal stresses, but this particular trauma my partner and I are dealing with will heal with time and with a fight I will create a life that feels joyful much of the time regardless of all the other complexities it contains.

    My partner and I, when we're going through a rough patch, it feels raw and painful. But when you think about it, that's because I care so much, and feel so much. It means I feel alive, this is a very different kind of pain than the pain I used to feel. I used to feel empty and trapped when I was closeted. Now I feel like I'm fighting to grab onto the beauty that I know my relationship with her holds. And to grab onto the joy that is possible by living openly, fully and authentically.

    It's really hard, feeling such strong and difficult emotions. I'm really struggling right now. I'm not sure what else to add at the moment...
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jul 23, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2018
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  2. baristajedi

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    I suppose what I'm trying to do in this thread is fight off regrets, guilt, and feelings that I'm resigned to a life of unfulfilment. I'm usually more positive than this, I told you all I'm crashing a bit. I can usually see the bigger and brighter picture.
     
  3. Mihael

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    Grief is really hard to process. I'm sorry you have to go through this. A year is normal to feel grief. It can be really rough, no doubt. Maybe you should give your partner a bit more time. Even though it's rough.

    As for your daughter, I think you did the right thing. If you didn't go after what makes you happy, she would learn that a disconnect from feelings is normal. My family went through something similar, but nobody was gay. My mom wanted to divorce (I think a lot has changed between my parents since then, so idk how it is now) and didn't, because the society and all the older family members said that a child without a full famiy will not grow up correctly. Let me tell you something. It's harmful BS. Children need care and love, not some specific family life model. You are showing your daughter that despite difficulties, life can be good, that difficulties are something to overcome, not to surrender to. You're a great mom. The ending of my story was that I grew up and had to untangle this doing what feels right riddle myself and even somewhat against family. Mom was also not there to support me, she was not 100% present. You are also not giving her other unhealthy patterns of behaviour that serve stress reduction. So... by not disconnecting you are being a great mom, you're there, you can show love, you can take care, you can be a better mom and you can give those better emotional skills to your daughter - it's a great gift that will serve her forever.
     
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  4. looking for me

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    I think it's all hard, blending families, while dealing with substantial grief kids picking up on the stress and tension both in your house and in your ex's house. plus dealing with all of the packed up trauma from your youth, as you are doing quite will I might add. I think that both of you getting into counseling together, and maybe her talking with a counselor/therapist one on one would be very beneficial. on the whole I think you're doing ok. I have no idea about her of course as ive never interacted with her, but I will say grief and shock like she, and all of you, have experienced is heavy, and it can actually change people and you should be prepared for that. you're stronger than you think, and I am sooo glad that you are finding yourself and a greater degree of happiness. Hugs to you my friend.
     
  5. Ngale

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    I do voluntary work with families and friends of mentally ill people. Your description about being strong (was it in the other thread?) and stuff you wrote here reminds a lot of experiences of friends and families of mentally ill people. Although hopefully your situation will be temporary and passes when grief eases, I want to remind you that you don't always have to be the strong one. Remember to take care of your self as well.

    It is ok to feel tired and truly be tired. It is ok to feel mixed feelings. You need some place or some people to whom you can vent your feelings and thoughts without feeling guilty. If your situation lengthen I recommend that you find some kind of support group where you can find peer support. People who have experienced same can understand you better than anyone else. And it is nothing to be feeling bad or guilty. People who support others need support as well sometimes. You don't have to be alone in this.