work crushes lead to personal suffering... -.-

hi, im not good with words. but ill try

im justr struggling at the minute with emotions for certain people I work with. a younger guy who I work with (hes 19. im 24) who is straight. I just really like him and when we first started working together I didn't notice much abotu him, but then he was all i thought about for a night and I just sorta allowed myelf to think about him romanticly. then I stopped that and i tried to just be great friends. have laughs, make jokes. try to make him laugh.

but ugh. i dont know. i just. repress my feelings. most of the time I had no idea i had these feelings underneath. i block them. hide them. say they are something else (a longing to be funny for the sake of "comedy" rather than a means to get him to like me - which is what it really was). And so I just kinda continued liking him as a friend. then he started to change and now he wants to promote and move up to supervisor (my supervisor) and i just feel hurt and let down. since he has taken on more responsibilites i dont see him as often and he doesn't have fun when managers or supervisors are there like he use to. maybe its me who changed. the way i feel towards him. i just feel like i hate him now. maybe its just the feeling of rejection mixed with a feeling of jelously.

Honestly though. fuck him. thats how I feel right now. but i know underneath that i want him to do the best he can.

I have to bring it back to why Im posting this... the thing is, i have to work with him and he could be my supervisor... I dont want to have any strong emotions getting in the way of work. Today It was just me and all the girls and just 1 guy who loves to talk and i love to listen. So i just worked with the girls all day and on my breaks i chat to this guy and i find it really entertaining. it was a great day. but tomorrow, this guy i like and all the other dudes will be back. so it'll be back to that .... envrionemnt.. I dont wanna harbour all these emotons. i wnna just focus on the job. come home. go Gym/or SWim. and just do whatever i want to do with my evening.

I think just writing this out has helped me. though im starting to overthink things. now i feel anxious. And worried. im second guessing posting this. urghhh

 

I;m sorry to hear that, Dave! you are right, i can take solicae in the fact he is straight.i never have a chance with him and i dont have to fele a personal rejection... at least not from this guy

I worked with him today (i just finished 12hr shift... ughh and im back to work in 9 hours) and when i came in he said something along the lines of "you are looking really attractive today" (sarcastly) and he also said at one point "everytime i see you i get turned on" or something... MAybe he knows im gay and knows i fancy him and just sees it as friendly banter with a gay dude... he has before actually called me out saying "its like you fancy me, what sgoing on" lol. that was funny. i was like "shiit"... it was around the time i realised i really like him

the thing is, i pass as straight insanely well. so it might even be that i'm a questionmark to him and my other work colleagues. They must know though. Another lad i work with said today he'd have to show him "alpha dominace" on me (bantering around) and i said "yes pls do" and he was like "steaddyy on there" and he laughed... i dunno its all friendly.

it just sucks. at the end of the day. hei s cool, propa smart, chilled out. easy to be with. easy to laugh with. he pisses me off all the time. but he's real cool. #

thanks for ur reply man. makes me feel less alone lol. i neve get replies on here. no idea why, i must be saying stuff wrong.

 

i just came back after 2 weeks of not seeing him and having my 11 day break from work..

I've been doing well, focused, relaxed, going to work, gettig that done, coming home, going gym, keeping my mess organised etc. But yesterday I worked him him again from 9:30 in the morning until 4:00 in the afternoon. Pretty much just me and him, nearly all day.

Usually if Im at work. I try to keep professional/mature and just get the job done and go home without losing my job. but with him, i just. . ughhh... i guess i juist wanna have fun, have a laugh, I lose everything I thought i cared about and i just wanna be with him. Last night I kept thinking about him and today I wake up and i am thinking about him. This is a total mess.

He says such nice things around me. I really feel like he is perfect with me. but at the same time, its not perfect. its actually totally disastrous. He likes to wind me up. i dont actually get annoyed - i sort of do because he is annoying - but I like that he's annoying and all that. but then i do just need to do my job and go home without being silly. but the thing is he;s smart, so if we are being silly - we usually still get the work done.

I'll be honest - i dont know what to do. i know he likes me a mate, maybe a close mate. He said to me "he never acts like this with anyone else" (i think when we were discussing why we are being so silly or it was when i said "why do you do this" or something like that) i dont know what he saying but he made it sound like we have something different goign on there... but im pretty sure he's straight and if he were gay, i am ugly/too tall etc. etc. (the list would go on forever)

anywho... thhough i feel thrown off. lost focus. its nice that this guy has been in my life and it feels good to think about him. he just makes work 10x harder than what I feel it would otherwise have to be. It's a tough one. If i work with girls - i get bored sometimes. but then if i work with guys - it becomes to much and then working with the girls seems like a nice relaxing and easy-going envrionment. lol here comes the overthinking - im getting breakfast... thnaks for reading,.