I'm creating this thread as a way to express some conflicting thoughts. So I'm in the middle of two choices. Gay/lesbian or bisexual. I'm leaning more towards gay even without any experience, because that's what my thoughts revolve around most of the time. The thing is that there's this one male person who I might have had some more than friendly feelings for in the past. Wouldn't that make me bisexual? However in my daily interactions and dealings with men, I never have experienced such feelings, so how do I know that this long-distance romance was genuine or an effort to 'be in a true romantic relationship' aka part of compulsive heterosexuality? So in a sense, that's an obstacle towards identifying as lesbian. That and the fact that in meditation all 'cues' I get are about some vague relationship with a man. However this could just be my mind thinking in heteronormative ways. I'm so glad I wrote this. Any advice would be welcome.
I would focus on what you feel about men now in the present. You could keep thinking about the feelings for this guy and in doing so are trying to make them more than what they were so you are bi rather than gay. Maybe some internalised homophobia and heteronormativity going on so try and focus on now and be open to everyone and see what you feel. Some people come out as bi and then change to gay later on when they are more sure, so you can do that if that feels more comfortable?
I have similar concerns so not sure if I have the answer but when people ask me what I identify as I tend to say " bi, I guess, but probably the most lesbian bisexual you will ever meet!" and it's true. I am 99.9% into women but 0.1% of me used to have some kind of attraction to some men so I feel a bit torn, but it's pretty much clear in my head that there are very low chances of me ever ending up with a man again, be it short-term or long-tem but due to my past I would feel a bit of a fraud calling myself a lesbian so yeah maybe " super gay bisexual" is what I am after all ;-) "
Focusing on the present is a good idea. I've been thinking if this pattern of looking for signs in the past is more confusing than helpful. However it's what I see people doing when examining their orientation. Questions that arise are, will the label 'gay' be inaccurate if I had been in love with a man in the past? And if I had this happen once, who says it won't happen again? Part of what keeps me from dating women, is the fear that if I'm bisexual, they won't date me because they will think I'll end up with a guy. And the scary part about that is, statistically, there are more chances for that to happen. I don't like the idea of being with a man, but I used to like it at some point so I don't know where I stand on this. So maybe this is internalized biphobia on my part. There's a conflict between the idea of doing what society expects of me -which I feel angry about- and fear of letting go of heterosexual privilege. There's also this worry that I may indeed one day fall in love with a man and a lesbian label might hold me back from realizing it or that my lesbian friends will get angry with me. So I stay away from everything, dating men, dating women. I try to make sense of myself before starting dating. Keep in mind that what I wrote are completely hypothetical future scenarios. Whoa I don't overthink at all hahaha
Again, I feel similarly to you and it is true that some lesbians are biphobic and that for some women identifying as bisexual will be a deal breaker but are those women you want to date anyway? Regardless of whether or not I am gay I am very much anti anyone who prejudices against anyone for reasons such as sexuality. I would have little respect for a women who think badly of bisexuals just because of their potential attraction to men so in a way identifying as bi helps you filter out the bad apples. You can use the label queer for now. Oddly enough queer doesn't hold the bad connotation of bisexuality even though it heavily implies that the person is likely to be attracted to more than one gender and tend to lead to less people asking unecessary questions and questioning your sexuality. Go wonder as it's much more vague of a label.
Oh no xD This is a horrid story. This "but there is this one person". Oh... I read the rest. Right. I had a lot worse story. My "only guy" was in the present moment, even though I didn't really want to date a dude again... Other than feeling physical draw, I don't like men's personaities as partners and I don't like how the dating feels like in reality. it happened a couple of times and was really irksome. Then I forunately had some peace to explore the other side of my sexuality, because that story with this last guy ended. Alright. Maybe you loved this guy - doesn't make you straight if you are attracted to women otherwise. Plenty of people in your position would identify as gay / straight (whichever way they lean that strongly). It's a 90% true statement or so. It's true enough. And how do you like the homoflexible label? Oh queer is another good label! Yes, the biphobia is real. Ugh! You probably don't want to date these women anyway. I'm so irritated by this biphobia too. I'm an adult, sane person. Isn't my promise enough? If I date someone, it means I want to be with them, ugh! I'm like... I've had enough men, believe me. It's just... silly. Plan silly. Total lack of respect for someone's promise and self-knowledge.
i agree with some of the stuff said in previous posts. i also want to add that labels are not strictly defined - there are no specific rules about them, they can be changed, and they mean different things to different people. they're useful for outside communication but should absolutely not trap yourself into a box you don't get to define the outlines of. so, if you're 99% into women and 1% into men, you can call yourself bisexual, because being bi does not mean there's a 50/50 attraction. actually, most people i've heard experience attraction to different genders in different amounts and different ways. you're also not required to act on attractions, so if you do experience attraction to men but have no desire to date them, that doesn't mean you can't call yourself bi. you can also call yourself gay, if you consider that minor chance so insignificant that it's not worth including anymore. not everyone who identifies as gay is 100% exclusively attracted to one gender - but they tend to regard the potential attraction for the other gender so irrelevant to their identity that it's not worth communicating to the outside. i haven't met every single man in the world, so how do i know there won't be one out there who i do feel attracted to? i don't - but i also genuinely do not care. i have no interest in being with men, and that's what for me defines my sexuality, whether or not there's a guy for me out there. yes, that does mean that there is overlap between gay and bi women - two women might be in exactly the same situation and identify differently. there's no clear line dividing bisexuality and homosexuality. also: just because you once didn't mind the idea of being with a guy doesn't negate what you're feeling right now (heteronormativity can play a major role in the things we see as okay, and as we learn more about our sexuality it makes sense your perception of these things change). looking back on things can help you clarify things in some instances, but i agree it often leads to overthinking, and just... so many people had no indicators for their sexuality whatsoever when they were younger. there are people who are happily married to one gender for decades before realizing that wow, that wasn't true attraction after all, and then realize they're gay. it's really difficult to separate real feelings from taught ones, and many people, whether gay or bi, find themselves doubting... even long after accepting themselves. it's unfortunately part of the experience. we learn more about ourselves every day, and as such it's perfectly okay to change your label, too. and don't let anyone define your label for you - it's all yours, and it's up to you what you do with it
I don't necessarily care about what some lesbians who may be biphobic might say or do but having to deal with biphobia within LGBT spaces is something that concerns me in case I'm somehow not gay enough or something. That deserves another post entirely. Queer is a good option, but people over here don't know what it means. They'll probably think I'm saying I'm trans. People over here are clueless. LBGT issues have only recently gained more popularity and it's a new thing. Thank you for you kind and encouraging words.
I've played with the idea of a homoflexible label before. As I explained above to @Linning though homoflexible means nothing over here. You're gay or straight. Everyone else is either adventurous or hasn't made up their mind yet. Simply people won't understand anything if I use that world to describe myself. I really like your suggestion of using the 90% to see where I fit. I currently feel about 95% gay. Hope it doesn't change like the weather though lol. Today there's 40% humidity, with a slight chance of rain.
These are some good points you're making and thank you for taking the time to write them on here. There's no clear line dividing bisexuality and homosexuality that's true. However, you'll find people on both sides fiercely defending how they're different from the other group of people. I agree that doubt is a healthy and common part of the process. And yes thank you for reminding me that labels are not the end but a beginning. Sometimes it gets more difficult when you don't only have to educate and inform yourself or remove your own doubts, but have to deal with others' doubts. I mean, it's good to at least know how to navigate around the very common remarks like 'but you don't appear/look/sound gay' or 'but you don't have a girlfriend'. You gave me food for thought.
Identities are just PR / marketing anyway. Pick what kind of advertisement you'd like to make. Are you open to dating men? If not, identify as a lesbian. Pretty simple. I think it's a fair point that you should declare what you feel is significant. Just... forget about this guy. Maybe you are a different person now than years ago too. Your hormones might have changed. And you might have learnt to experience your feelings properly too.
absolutely. i generally reason like this: no matter what you go for, there are people who will be unhappy with it, who will say you’re using labels wrong, who will judge you for who you are. if you go for gay, there will be people saying you’re not gay enough; if you settle for bi, there will be people claiming you’re just in denial or it’s a phase or whatever. since no one has the capability to change the world all by themselves... the best you can do is be kind to yourself. whatever that means to you in this context
The marketing part made me chuckle. It sure is simpler than I make it out to be. However I'm still coming out to myself. That's more important to me right now, to find who I am first. You know what? I probably should forget about these feelings or rather find a new way at looking at them. You are so spot on about change. I have changed into a different person since then in all aspects. Yet the bursting out in my memory, in which I told him I love him is still clear in my head. It happened a year ago. And in a way it is genuine love. Just not the kind of love I might have thought it was. It's easy to assume you're attracted to someone physically when you haven't met them. Especially when it fulfills subconscious messages of what a happy ever after is supposed to be like. In my case the bond was and is emotional. At some point there were huge sparks of desire as well. But I was a teen. And as you said people change. I don't feel the same things anymore.
Hahaha! Yes, so true. People are going to have their opinions. This conversation helps in the process. I feel calmer just typing my thoughts.
