Hi friends, I wonder if any of you can help me regain some perspective. I thought about posting a gratitude thread earlier to try to get back some clarity but I don't have it in me at the moment. I'm feeling low and i don't know how to get a grasp on my feelings anymore. For the last 9 months, since my partner's ex (her sons' dad) died, I've been trying so hard to be strong, positive, patient, loving, supportive to my partner. But I feel like I'm starting to crack. She's a wonderful incredible person and I'm so in love with her, but I feel so much pain so often, I feel heartbroken and alone so often. I really feel a lot of need to be a rock for her, a source of strength, so no matter how much impact his death has had on our relationship, our sex life, our coparentibg, our (lack of) ability to relax, her ability to connect sometimes... I've always tried to be like, but I'm alright, things are ok for me, as long as I can hold you, we're going to be ok. She tries and does well a lot of the time to be positive and I'm so grateful that she cares so much for me to want to be attentive to my needs, but some of the things that have come about as a result of his death have created an emptiness and pain inside me and I'm just not feeling really strong or capable sometimes of getting through this. I miss making love to my girlfriend so much. We make love, she's amazing. Some weeks things are fairly ok, some weeks are painfully distant between us. And the way she talks about these changes are hurtful, not purposely hurtful of course, but like when makes it seem likenits it's too tge course of a normal role relarionship, mog the result of grief. Saying that just makes ne feel like a pile of shit, like right I'm sill very much wanting to have sexy with you every moment, feeling totally in love and you're just totally past that...cool, that's not hurtful at all. And then there's our children. They are so stressful, and the responsibility of being a mum and step mum and trying to work together as parents with these kids, is exhausting. She tries and so do I but I often feel her insane overprotectiveness creeping out and ugh.. and ok the other hand she doesn't seem to get my daughter's motivations sometimes and she makes me feel like she's critiquing my parenting, and not quite understanding enough to my daughter. And then there's my daughter's struggles.... I worry so much about everything with her lately. She's doing relatively ok but there are worries that I have and i dont honestly know how to ensure she feels secure, loved, and looked after. Too much to get into specifics because I've already talked so much. I don't know what to ask from you all on here, I'm just feeling a bit lost....
That one line up there got all effed up and I can't fix it - I was saying that's she doesn't acknowledge that the grief is the reason for her distance, instead it's like oh you know just how relationships go... sure that can be the case for relationships that certain things slow down or whatever, but guys everything changed overnight, because of grief, which is totally valid and understandable. But to be so dismissive of that makes me feel so lonely and heartbroken and humiliated, like my desire for her is the abnormal thing... I'm wanting to be with her because I'm in love with her... but it feels horrible for her to say it's just the way things go over the course of time. No... that does not apply at all to the course of our relationship in reality. I find it so hurtful when she says that.
Not sure I can really offer any advice... are you still seeing a therapist together or separately? People do seem to deal with things in their own ways and also think they are dealing with it but aren’t.
Things are feeling so much better today, but I reach the point I posted about every once in a while where everything feels like too much, feelings build, it's very hard sometimes. We are just starting to go to counselling together, and it seems to be helping bring things up in a different light. We had a good talk last night and actually a few honest talks through the week and I think it's all helping us work through stuff. On another note, my ex seems to dislike me more and more everyday.... meh as long we work together for our daughter I guess that's all that matters.
I think a lot of people get like that re lots of things building and you just want to explode. Hopefully you can resolve some of those things and you will eventually stop getting to that point. Oh that’s a shame as in previous posts I remember you mentioning how he was joining in on things etc and things were going well. He might just have somethings he needs to deal with then things might get be good again. Just take one day at a time and all keep talking.
My partner and I work so hard at keeping things positive, but I'm so exhausted. I feel like I'm always trudging upwards and not ever getting to the point where I can feel like things are mostly ok. This also goes for things with my ex and my daughter, I want so much to feel like I can see clear signs that things are secure and happy for her but I can't see that consistently enough. This is all making me feel very reflective, I think I may start another thread on those reflections because they're really complex...
Yes, and I I think it's going to help. I can already see that it's helping us bring important things to the surface. I think, for example, the fact that I am acknowledging how painful everything is, rather than trying to stay positive and strong all the time is a difficult but necessary step in trying to uncover things that need to be resolved.
I'm soo sorry this is still an issue hun. Hugs. but I'm very glad that you and her are in counseling, when you both work the program and with your counselor it can do wonders. as for your ex, some start out ok and shift to the negative, while others do the opposite. and some just stay the same. as you said, as long as you parent together for your daughters sake that's the important part. she is or will pick up on any tension though, kids are like that. so id say try to make peace with him if you can, for her sake.
The best you can do it probably get to a point of indifference, for the benefit of your daughter. Given the background as I recall it, I am sure he will continue to go through a mourning process for some time. But I am sure you already recognize this.
@baristajedi , I'm really sorry about your challenges. Death can really throw rocks into the gears of any relationship. In my opinion, we don't handle death very well in our culture; often we just do our best to pretend it doesn't happen, until we get whacked with the hard reality that it does. And yeah, all of the other life challenges continue. You seem to be trying so hard to be strong, and that is admirable. I hope you allow yourself to feel weak occasionally, when it's safe. Being strong all the time is a big load to carry. Your strength WILL come back even if you allow yourself to feel weak for a while. I wish healing for your partner. Hugs- =Sevn
