As the title says. I have no problems being masculine, a tomboy to the max, wearing clothes marketed to men and even saying that I am a dude, but half jokingly. The problem begins when I have this sorta... crossdressing urge. I want to do this all at once and I feel delusional. Moreover, I don't really think I need to wear certain clothes to be male, female, whatever. I don't even understand why the idea is appealing: dress in men's clothes, say I am a male. It's not like.... I don't accept myself as a tomboy (a woman who is masculine in the way she behaves, thinks etc). Why do I need to feel an urge to masquarade like this? Why do I envy that when I meet someone trans?
Maybe you are subconsciously looking at a trans guy as being more valid than you are? When of course that isn't the case. Just a fleeting thought. It isn't a masquerade if you feel it is you. If you feel "delusional" step back and take a break. Maybe you are rushing something.
Well, not neccesarily more valid, but if someone wears clothes that fit them, that is normal. And if they take hormones and wear clothes that fit their transformed body, that is normal. Wearing clothes that don't fit you is dressing up as something you're not. Pretending. Maybe I am rushing... idk. But I'm sick and tired with myself panicking so much.
Maybe you need to try and change your mindset and the way you're looking at the way you present yourself. Pre-T I never felt like I was dressing up or masquerading as something that I'm not, even when the clothes didn't fit me, which was often, clothes barely even fit me now tbh. I felt more like I was playing dress up and in drag when I wore feminine clothing really. If you want to wear mens clothes then you have to shop around for brands and styles that are the closest to your body shape that you can find and you need to start looking at yourself and recognising that person as the real you and changing the way you think about clothing. If you can't then don't force yourself to wear mens clothing, it's not a big deal. I'm not relating this to you but to a feminine body shape but I know so many women who pick out articles of clothing from the mens section. My best mate is a lesbian and wears shirts, jumpers, jeans from the mens section and she's just wearing clothes that she feels comfortable in. She's not pretending or dressing up. That's what it's all about. Who cares what section it's from. Don't force yourself to wear something you're unhappy in because that's what you believe you should wear.
I never really wore strictly feminine clothes. So idk how that feels. It was too impractical and all those decorations made me feel silly. So... I wore sports clothes. Jeans and not too flashy tshirts. That kind of stuff. Anything more complicated than that frustrates me too. I hate spending hours trying to get dressed, because nothing matches anything else, and that is the case with typically feminine clothing. I like to get dressed and get my stuff done. Well, I don’t really like to look flashy either. So I have no interest in clothes beyond small decoration. And beyond wanting to look badass. I do shop in the men’s section. I genuinely like those clothes. It’s just... the whole idea of presenting as a gender irks me. My own urge to do that rubs me the wrong way.