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Why am I having so hard getting over this abusive relationship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Steve FS, Jul 21, 2018.

  1. Steve FS

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    Why am I having such a hard time getting over this abusive relationship?

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of only 5 months. He had to be one of the most emotionally abusive people I have ever met. It took me too long to break up with him, but I finally did.

    • He said I was "7/10" attractive. "Cute but you're not the best looking guy" he would tell me. "Don't be upset. 7/10 is pretty attractive." Not sure why I was upset over this, but I was. But I just shoved it back into the corner of my mind.
    • He would tell me that I never made sense and that I was always wrong in our arguments. He said he was the more "logical" of the both of us and that he was always right. I started to believe that it was true after a while.
    • I wanted monogamy, but he wanted to sleep around. "I thought you would be more woke. Monogamy is an old concept and it is a form of control. Why do you want to control me?" I couldn't think of an argument. I gave in. I said it was fine if he slept around with other guys. When I stated that I wanted to try it too, he told me, "You're not the hookup type. You're not going to enjoy it. You're too sensitive." Yea, I guess I was.
    • Told me that the sex was so bad between us, and blamed it on me not being able to top him. "You just can't give me what I want. I don't want to have sex with you. There's nothing wrong with that. We're still emotionally compatible." Again, I thought it was my fault.
    • He's a white guy. I confessed that I felt a little discriminated against at a club at some point. He stated, "Are you sure that's not just you? It's cool to be different nowadays. It sucks being white. You're just being selfish and wanting attention."
    • His dating app notification was going off at some point during the night. I asked if he could put it away. Mentioned that I tried hooking up on dating apps at some point, but people didn't tend to like me very much. Kept telling me they weren't into Asians. "Yea, people like white guys a lot. It sucks to be Asian." I looked at him for support, but he snapped at me. "What do you want me to do? I can't change their mind. That's just how the world is. You have to deal with it. I'm white so I can't understand what you're going through." I gave up and just went to sleep.
    • He would push me or hit me sometimes. He slapped me at one point. I forget what the circumstances were. I try not to remember it.
    • "Your friends probably hate me, huh?' he asked me one day. I told him, honestly, that my friends didn't really like him for me, but I was willing to still pursue the relationship. "Your friends are so stupid." My best friend asked me text her when I got home. I told him about that. "That's so dumb. Why would she want a text from you if you got home or not? If you died, a text wouldn't do anything to help you. You'd be dead. People need to use their brain." I guess it made sense.
    Eventually, the pain was too much and I reached a breaking point. I'm a nurse and I deal with patient abuse a lot, and combined with how abusive my father was, I have a high tolerance for it. But eventually, the relationship was reversing the years of confidence-building I was making for myself. I ended it, and it was terrible. He cried in my arms in a way that I have never seen him cry before, and I felt so bad, but I knew I had to take care of myself.

    My question is: despite how terrible he was to me, why do I still love him?

    I have been in three relationships. The first two boyfriends treated me so well and I had such an easier time getting over them, but this one? It's been two months and I feel like I haven't moved on. I feel like picking up the phone and checking if he's okay. If I like going to his apartment and cuddling with him again.

    Am I weak? What's wrong with me? This makes no sense.
     
    #1 Steve FS, Jul 21, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2018
  2. PatrickUK

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    Perhaps I can turn your question around and ask what you still love about him? You recognise all of the abusive behaviours now and I'm guessing this isn't what you still love about him, but maybe that's not entirely correct? You said that it was easier to get over the previous boyfriends who treated you well, so is it possible that his attitude did have some appeal, if only to a point? Clearly there was something different about him that was more of a draw, so it might be better to focus on the what rather than the why.

    Resuming contact with him would be a huge mistake that would embarrass you and hand power back to him. He spent the better part of five months stripping away your power until you reached breaking point and scrambled, so now is the time to hang on with the strength that has returned and lean on your friends who cautioned you against the relationship. No calling or texting, no checking his social media, no passing by his door or workplace - it has to be zero contact with small steps forward each day. At the moment, I fear you are wallowing in the loss rather than making efforts to move on and that's why you are getting nowhere.
     
  3. Steve FS

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    I honestly just miss the touch. The way I made him laugh sometimes. His cats. His weird apartment smell.

    I miss the way we were at the beginning of the relationship, when it was all laughing and getting to know each other. He would talk about getting married, and he was just so intelligent. I was swooned.

    I think it could be that I just care about him a lot. He has no friends and he's so alone. I don't want him to have a bad life and I wish I could be there for him, but the bad treatment was eating me alive.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    If his behaviour towards you is typical of the way he treats people who attempt to get close to him is there any wonder he has no friends and is so alone?

    Don't allow your kindness to colour your judgement. Clearly he needs to do some personal work and I don't think you will help at all him by becoming involved again. The only way to move on is to focus on personal healing and recovery rather than reflecting on the glimmers of warmth and kindness. In almost all abusive relationships there are "glimmers" and so often the victim focuses on these things to the exclusion of a whole heap of shit and badness, sometimes to the point where they return for more. Don't be dazzled by those rare moments of happiness.
     
  5. pinklov3ly

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    You did the right thing by breaking up with him. It takes time to get over a break up so what you’re feeling is completely normal. Wanting to go back to what is familiar is completely normal as well, however, he’s no good for you.

    You would think he would have treated you a lot better if he’s alone and has no friends but that isn’t your problem. He needs to go out and meet people. Just like you need to go out and meet new people as well. You need to surround yourself with people who are going to make you feel good about yourself, not the other way around. I know it’s easier said than done, but you’ll be surprised how much better you will feel. You may even meet someone new, who is willing to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck =)
     
  6. Sawyer

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    I agree with the two above: he has no one in his life because he is an awful person. The worst part is he knows he's a terrible human being because he put you down to keep himself up. You are too kind of a person to still care about his well being.

    There are other people out there who will love you for who you are. Don't lose hope that the right person is out there. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, and you did the right and brave thing by leaving before it got worse.
     
  7. Rin311

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    I can relate to what you’re saying, I’ve been through an abusive relationship too. Abusers have a way to make it sounds like it all makes sense somehow. Good on you for leaving - it would have probably gotten worse.

    You don’t owe him anything. You can’t fix him or help him. Those moments that you miss can’t really be removed from all the ugliness... it’s part of the dynamic. And going back will only hand him back the power and things will just go back to the way they were. I went back tons of times, I would leave for a day or two (we lived together) when things got bad, go back, go through one of those cuddly have periods and then it would start all over again because that’s the way these relationships work.

    You did the right thing by leaving. You deserve better. You deserve someone who would treat you well. And you will find him eventually. Take care.