Many of you probably don't know me as it's been a few years since I was a regular poster. I've been coming out gradually since 2014 and am at the point that I'm out to nearly everybody close to me with the exception of my family. I did tell my sister several weeks ago. I'm nearly ready to tell my parents but could use some advice or just venting. The decision to come out to my parents has been scary and elusive. I've dated a bit since starting to come out, but had never found anyone that really clicked. I met a guy in March and this has led to a relationship that has become fairly serious fairly quickly. He's the kind of guy I didn't think existed and the kind of guy I have been searching for for years. I'm in love with him. He's in love with me. Our lives have started to merge together. I could certainly see myself marrying him.... in a few years, of course. I'm close with my parents and now it's becoming difficult to keep such a big (and exciting) part of my life away from them. I need to tell them, and soon, but I know that it is going to be emotional and draining, especially for them. My boyfriend actually came out to his parents a couple of weeks ago- it sounds like our families are pretty similar. They are coming around, but it's been a lot for them to process. My real struggle is figuring out how to do it. I live a plane ride away and I'm afraid to take a special trip home that is going to be tarnished by probably a lot of stress and crying. I'd really like to write them a letter, so I can get out what I need to make sure they hear, and they can have time to process before responding. I think I'd prefer to not witness their initial reactions. And if I do write them a letter, do I do email? Mail one? Can I live with myself for 3-4 days knowing that the USPS is holding a grenade that will detonate at home at a time that I can't control? Any thoughts would be great. I'm in a good place and that makes it easier. I'm very lucky to have found someone who treats me like gold and at the same time rocks my world, but this is still the greatest daunting task looming.
I was just wondering the other day how things were going with your situation! Then the phone calls started, which is pretty standard lately since my girls are both gone for the summer and their mother is lonely (despite HER boyfriend). My parents were both dead by the time I came out, although my mother suspected long before I would even have been willing to admit being anything but "MAYBE bisexual". The moms seem to be the ones who figure it out first. I came out via phone to the sister I am closest to. The others (my brother and other sister, and the aunt who serves as the stern and generally disapproving matriarch of the family) got emails. My situation was complicated by the compressed timeline wherein I came out to a few people, set an end date for the marriage, then immediately met someone wonderful and the whole sequence was accelerated and garbled. I kind of envy you, not for having to come out to your parents, but having somewhat more control over the situation. If your parents have separate emails, you could tackle them one at a time, which might help. I am generally not a fan of phone calls - I have a hard time with verbal-only communication - but I guess I'd say use whatever mode of communication you think THEY would be most comfortable with, even if it's old fashioned snail mail. No real sage advice for you, sadly, other than that having a wonderful guy to contemplate a future with is a huge plus and a genuine gift. And now I have to run off, but I'll try and ping you over the weekend sometime. I am so happy for you. And I'll say too that you plan and worry about what you will say for weeks, and then within a couple minutes it's all out in the open and done, and you can stop worrying. Best of luck, my friend!
Mail a letter. It will be a shock (possibly) but not probably. If you have thought about it this long. A few days extra will not make a difference. But here is the bottom line. You are gay. And that is beautiful. When they do react the only thing you can tell them is that its a celebration of who you really are. And you want to celebrate with them. Its not about you accepting their reaction. Its about them accepting who you are. Then go live life. Your head will explode when you drop that letter in the mailbox. And then a few days later it will be one of the greatest moments of your life. You'll realize it. Because you had the fortitude to be who you are and live an honest life.
If I were you, I would call them and say you wanted to let them know you're in a great new relationship with a great guy and you wanted to share your happiness with them because they are really important to you. I would also say I know this is probably a shock to you and you'll have feelings to process and probably some questions, and that you'll look forward to talking with them when it works well for everyone. I'd reassure them how happy I am and how I have always been this way but that I had not wanted to hurt them unnecessarily before, but now that I am in a relationship I need to let them know what is going on with me. Then I'd wait and see how they react and remain cool, calm, and collected. I wouldn't visit in person because that would inflate it into drama, and I wouldn't write a letter because that kind of weak way of presenting yourself and you want to convey confidence and happiness above all else.
First, congrats on the great relationship! Second, I think mailing letters is better than sending an email...times 1000, especially if you're not comfortable doing it over the phone and in-person feels too much. A letter is both nice, and lets someone sit with your words and feelings, and their feelings. It gives them a chance to truly comprehend what you've said, as the words are there permanently, and it gives both of you some air space during the registering process. I'm a few years younger than you and haven't come out to everyone yet. Just my mom, but no one else in my family. I'm queer and haven't been able to date from some life hurdles, so feel that until I'm better and can date, it doesn't seem important to come out to anyone else. If you want to be creative, you could make a video - upload it to YouTube - go viral, make a channel and earn yourself a spot on my subscription list
I called each of my parents. I did it about 5 months or so after I embraced my sexuality. While nervous, the process making myself vulnerable and telling them helped me build massive confidence on my journey. It helped me accelerate my path towards self actualization. When I looked back on some of the critical moments of vulnerability, telling my parents was one of the top few moments. Don’t wait any longer. The weight that’s lifted off your shoulders, regardless of their reaction is MASSIVE. Good luck!
I'm nearly 60, so I'm old enough to be your father. If my son were to come out to me as you are planning (or maybe have done by now) the content would be more important than the means of delivery. My preference would be to be told in person so that I could give my son a big hug and tell him I'll stand by him no matter what. Congrats on finding such a special guy. I hope it goes well with your parents. I think it will. =Sevn
This is really nice and also sounds like a great option, but Sevn, not everyone’s parents are as well receiving as you might be. It would be great if this is how it could turn out, though!
Yes Yeahpldk, you are so right! I meant to say more, about how ultimately @jnr183 knows best how to approach his parents. I hope SO MUCH that his parents take his news well and that they will be supportive. Thanks for your post. =Sevn
I came out to my parents by sending an email to my mom. I wish I had put a little more thought into what I said in the email but at the time I just needed to write something quick, not think about it and hit send. I didn’t really want to see their initial reaction either and I’m glad I did it how I did. After talking with my mom she said she was glad that I used an email because apparently she had to process my news for a little bit. She replied back quickly with a short message telling me they would always love me and just needed some time to process. Then later that evening we had a long talk on the phone that went really well. In the end it all worked out and I’m definitely happy I came out and I know that I’m lucky to have accepting parents. I wish you good luck with however you end up doing it!
At my age, and my parents age, it just isn’t going to happen. I see no reason to complicate their elder years. Especially since I’m staying married anyway
I would go with a letter, that way you can take your time, control the process and say what you want to say without all the "emotions" flowing. Then after they have a chance to read and process what you've told them, you can have the conversation either via phone or face to face. Again, with a letter you can think about it and really get into words what you want them to hear and understand. I know with me, if I'm involved in something emotional, I sometimes go "brain dead" and later regret NOT saying this or that at the time... Whatever method you choose, let us know how it all turns out.
Thanks everybody for the advice. Sorry for the delay in my reply. It has been a busy weekend! I did, somewhat spontaneously, come out to them yesterday. I had a quiet afternoon and my sister said that my parents were having a quiet afternoon as well. I figured it was time to bite the bullet. I wrote a long letter explaining how I had gotten to where I am today and assured them that this was a good thing in my life. Before I sent it I called my mom as we hadn't spoken in about a week and talked as if nothing was unusual. When we were ending the conversation and I said I'm going to send her an email and to get read it, then I got off the phone. They called me about 10 minutes later and seemed completely unfazed by it. I don't know if they were just shocked but they just reassured me over and over again that it was OK and to not worry about it, which was surprising and great. I started crying on the phone (I rarely if ever cry), I just couldn't stop. I'm shocked my mom wasn't crying (she always cries). My sister was at their house for dinner that evening and it sounds like everything is fine. It sounds like my mom was most upset that I agonized over this for so long. So, all in all, it was good. I couldn't have anticipated how emotionally draining that would be for me but it was. Honestly I think they need some time to process and to come up with some real questions but the healing process can start now. The world feels very, very different today. I think it feels better. My boyfriend is thrilled that both of our families now know about us. It feels a bit unreal right now. I'll call them later on today and see what else they have to say. It was very scary, but it seemed like it was going to be the only way to move forward. We'll see where things go from here. A few years ago this was an unimaginable step. Thanks to everybody for their input. I have a feeling the next few days will be a bit of an emotional roller coaster (for me it seems, and not them!). I think it is just a lot to get used to living the new normal, but I'm excited that I can be more open with them, and I have a wonderful guy by my side seeing me through it.
Hurray @jnr183!! Congratulations. That's maybe the best news I've heard today. I got misty-eyed reading your post.
I’m happy for you. I’ve been putting off telling my parents and the sense of dread is overpowering. Hope things continue to go well!
I put it off for a very very long time. I thought I might never do it. The best advice I’ve received is to go at your own pace and to tell people when you’re ready. You’ll know when you’re ready!!
jnr, Really glad to hear things went very well with your parents, I'm sure the weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Also happy to hear that you've met someone special; I hope it continues to be a great experience and you both grow and share in life together. Thanks for keeping your friends on this forum informed and involved as you navigate this sometimes complicated world we live in.
