Aged 31 and still confused

Hi - first-time poster and lapsed lurker, here.

I'm currently in the closet at the age of 31 and I’ve never kissed anyone, been on a date or done anything with anyone. I know that I'm exclusively attracted to other guys, but I'm still confused about my sexuality.

I enjoy the idea of cuddling and kissing another man, and emotional/romantic intimacy is something that I crave, but I think I'd probably find myself unable to reciprocate if a man actually kissed me. I'm ill at ease with the sight of genitalia, including my own, and viewing images of shirtless men does nothing for me. I genuinely prefer the sight of men when they are fully clothed, but I occasionally feel guilty for liking other men who are considerably better looking than me.

I've never masturbated or looked into how to masturbate (my upbringing was very sheltered, and things like masturbation and wet dreams were never discussed at home when I was a teenager), and my knowledge of romantic/sexual terms (stuff like rimming and spooning) is practically non-existent. I'm nonchalant towards the idea of never losing my virginity, although I do fantasise about being in a non-sexual relationship with another man.

Up until my mid-20s, I tried to forget about these feelings as much as possible: I convinced myself that I just admired other men and was only attracted to them because I wanted to be more like them. During this period, I behaved impressionably towards certain male friends and, subconsciously, overemphasised my more masculine traits to a degree that was almost ridiculous in hindsight.

Since then, though, I have periodically encouraged the idea of being a homoromantic asexual and gradually distanced myself from other people. I typically spend a week or so obsessing about how I should label myself and then go months trying to repress these thoughts; this process has been going on for the past six or seven years. I’m also incapable of saying the words "I’m asexual" or "I’m gay" out loud, even to myself in an empty building, and I struggle to see a point where I'll be able to come out in person.

I often wonder if I'm using asexuality as a bargaining chip and coping mechanism but, in reality, it has rarely provided solace and instead created a vicious circle of confusion. The margin between being a homormantic asexual and a gay man with no apparent sex drive seems so thin, and I often feel torn between two different identities.

I have already received useful advice from a reddit user: namely that I should research asexuality in more detail, be aware that I could experience sexual desire differently to others (I’m not quite sure what this exactly means, though), consider seeing an LGBT-friendly therapist and place less emphasis on labels. This seems like a good place to garner other thoughts, too. Thanks for reading!

 

Thanks, Danabutton, it's good to know that I'm not alone. I can emphasis with your situation: sexuality is probably not an either/or concept and I know how uncertainty can cloud your gut instinct. I genuinely wish you the very best.