Hey there! It's been months since I last posted and things are pretty great. I came out to everyone and I'm in a good place. There's just one thing I can't seem to figure out and it's how to stop thinking about my ex (if I can even call her that). This was my first time ever beeing with someone and although I'm 21, I feel like a teenager, needing to learn all these things about relationships and break ups. Sorry this is going to be long but I just need to write it out and mabye someone has some advice. So I met this girl on a dating app and the first time we met it was immediatly different from the other dates I'd went on (even with girls). We talked for hours and we only went home when the bar said it was time to close. We went on another date not long after that but nothing happened cause we both felt we needed to take this slow. After that we didn't see each other for almost 2 months because we weren't in the same country. We kept talking but I felt like I always had to be the one to start the conversation. But if I tested her to see how long it would take her to send something, she eventually always texted me. By that time she'd already been honest with me about being very uncomfortable with her sexuality and coming out. She had been with girls before and she knew she wasn't straight but she still had a hard time accepting that. She also had homophobic parents. When we finally met again we kissed and from that moment on I guess we where a couple. At least it felt like that for me and I think for her as well but we never really said the words girlfriend. We would go on dates all the time and make out in the back of the movie theater. I had never been attracted to somebody like that. In the beginning she was hesitant to kiss me goodbye in the street/hold hands but I saw she was really trying and that actually got better. I never wanted to push her or make her feel uncomfortable and when I asked her something about how she was feeling she was always honest but like a brief version of the truth. She always told me that she I shouldn't have to deal with her problems and that's she was afraid that she would hurt me and that I'd regret being with her. I didn't mind that much because I just wanted to be with her and although I was out to my friends, none of my family knew so I was ok with keeping it kind of secret. I just wanted to help her. Whenever we were together, everything felt amazing. But when we were apart she continued this thing of almost never writing me and she was a little distant. My friends knew about us but none of hers did so after a while she would come over to my house (I live away from home with friends). After a month she stayed the night for the first time and we slept together. I was so happy and for the first time in my life, it actually felt right to be with someone. After that she had to leave and go home for 2 weeks. When we would write, she told me about how hard it was with her parents and how she felt like she was this huge dissapointment to them. Her parents knew she'd had been with a girl in the past but she had kind of convinced them it was a phase that had passed. She never told them about me I think but they must have felt something was up because her mom was asking questions and telling her all about how being with a woman would destroy her life. I don't know exactly what happened when she was home but she wrote me a long message explaining once again that she didn't want me involved in this, she was going to hurt me and she didn't deserve me so we should stop seeing each other. It was actually a very sweet but very sad message. I'd kind of seen it coming but it still hurt a lot of course. Since then we've only talked twice. After 1 month she wrote me for the first time saying once again how sorry she was and that she really wanted me to know that it wasn't my fault. and then a little later I wrote her to ask how she was doing and we chatted a little. I've never seen her again since the night she slept over which was in March. I've tried to just forget about her. I don't think we actually worked as a couple that well but I just felt all these things I'd never felt and I still miss her. If it would have been for some reason like her not actually liking me then I guess I would be ok with that but I know that she does like me so that sucks even more. I feel ridiculous that I'm still thinking about her everyday even though it's been over longer than it lasted. I wonder all the time if it would do any good to write her but I never do because I'm scared it will make things worse for her. Maybe she has to figure all this out for herself and I do believe it might be better this way. We also met while studying in another country and she's not going back there so we might never even be in the same country anymore. Does anyone have some advice for me on this? Should I write her, even just to know how she's doing? How do I let this go? I've been playing hayley kiyoko songs on repeat and I need some help. Thank you if you made it through this
Hi, That sounds rough, I'm sorry to hear it ended that way! I would say, as hard as this will probably sound, I think wait until you can feel you can move on from her to write back to check in and see what's up. The reason I'm not saying to do that now is because if you write while still feeling this way(which is more than understandable), it will definitely make it harder to move on. So, after you feel over this hump, if it feels right at the time, I say definitely shoot her an email saying hi and see how she is. But because you mentioned that you don't feel it would've worked out in the long run, as harsh as this might sound, I say do what you can to move on. Then see if reaching out would feel right at that time. Sorry, I'm terrible at relationship advice and hope others step in with something better, because I'm in my mid-twenties and would still feel the exact way you are feeling now if I went through that. So, I hope my advice doesn't come off as condescending or know-it-all, because disclaimer, I would be a wreck after a break up. I hope this helped in some way, though.
My advice would be to move on. The thing I learned is: if someone truly likes you and wants to be with you, the contact/communication is never going to be one sided.
Thank you for your reply you're probably right that it's better to wait to write cause if I do now and she replies in her usual 'I'm sorry, it's not your fault, you're really amazing 'way, I'll just give me hope that I can't really use right now. That's very true Thank you, I think I needed to hear that
