This is mostly just a rant to get support (or advice!) from others who have felt this. I've been getting super frustrated lately with how unsexual the general public seems to find trans male bodies. While trans women tend to get overly-sexualized to the degree of fetishizing, it seems like trans men are all but ignored in sexual contexts. For example, the "trans" section of gay hookup apps (######, ######, etc) are usually overflowing with trans women and people looking for trans women. But the apps are specifically designed for MEN, so shouldn't trans men be who that section is for? Then, to add insult to injury, it seems like whenever someone on there DOES want a trans men, it's because he wants to try fucking a pussy. Which leaves those of us who are post-op (or who just aren't into being penetrated) shit out of luck. Sigh. I know this isn't 100% of people by any means and I certainly have found people to have sex with. It's just hard being a minority within a minority.
Ha! I like how EmptyClosets censors the stylized word ####### but lets me type curse words no problem.
Well I certainly can understand the frustration. However, I will admit, I have not found myself into Trans men. I haven't knowingly met one, and I won't say I couldn't fall for a trans guy if I met the right one. I will say, having come out of a hetero marriage, I personally can't get past someone with a vagina, sexually it has become a hige turn off. But that's just me. I have seen pictures of T guys with wonderful masculine bodies otherwise. Of course, sex isn't my main motivation, self acceptance is. I am more in the camp to believe if we over sexualize, we dehumanize. But the struggle is real for all of us, but especially for our trans brothers and sisters. So, I do feel for you.
Personally I've never seen this to be a problem. I wouldn't necessarily say trans male bodies have been 'desexualised' but rather they're disregarded in general. People often forget about trans men as trans women are in the forefront of the media whenever transgender people are brought up. If people want to date me, I want them to date me because I'm a guy, not a trans guy. However I can say of the guys I've spoken to it probably isn't a coincidence that they've all been bi. I feel like you're kind of contradicting yourself by saying that people aren't showing their sexual attraction for trans male bodies and when they are they're just waiting it for whats between their legs? To be honest that's the only physical difference there is between a pre-op trans guy and a cis guy. If someone wants a trans guy over a cis guy thats going to be the reason they want them. ######, although targeted at men, is largely a hook up site rather than a dating sight and when you think of gay one night stand, they're mostly after dick. People can't help what they're sexually attracted to and some people will want a cis guy (or a trans guy thats had phallo, I don't see how you can just justify there being a difference). I agree that trans women being on ###### is stupid but like you say, they're fetishised, sometimes by gay men and oftentimes by straight men. One thing I'm curious about is that you mention that you're post op, why is it that you still feel yourself gravitating to the 'trans' section of apps? Why not just stay in the general section or just 'male' section and once you get into a conversation with someone and work out what they're about, mention the trans thing if it's even relevant. You don't have to answer that, it's just something that feels foreign to me as I've never gravitated to trans specific spaces when dating. If there is a section specifically for 'trans' I feel like it just leaves room for alienation and fetishisation and personally I'd rather be left out of that.
I agree with what Aberrance said. It's not so much that trans men are desexualized, it's more that people don't even know we exist. To the general public, a trans man is basically a trans woman, and a trans woman is... also a trans woman. Trans men (us) are not talked about much, probably because they tend to stand out less. Then, there's the gay scene which is really phallo-centric. The apps reflect that, as you can see. Honestly, I don't really want to end up being a fetish either, but I wish more people thought of us as attractive instead of it being a dealbreaker.
I want to make sure I am clear that while I am sexually attracted to penises, I think that at my stage in life, if I met someone trans who rocked my world, who didn't have one, I might be open to a relationship. I am not the hook up sight type, but if looking for a one night stand I would want a penis. Being trans is such a challenge, and I can imagine that it seems like a constant struggle to be accepted.
Honestly, I'm mostly the same as you. I've had plenty of hookups without having any conversation whatsoever about being trans, especially when I was pre-op, and I would just play the role of oral service bottom happily and fulfillingly. But now that I've had surgery and I am comfortable with what I have downstairs, I want my partners (both romantic and hook-up) to be as well. I've just found lately that if I mention I'm trans I get one of two responses: 1) They are turned off or 2) They are (momentarily) excited because they think that means they can fuck a pussy. The problem does mostly likely lie in the fact that, like you mention, most people are unaware of our existence or what it means to be a trans man. Add to that that there are even people within the trans community that don't know what a metoidioplasty is or what it means and I have a body that is foreign and confusing to most people. I think part of the reason I have been wanting the "trans" section to be trans-male focused is because I want to find hook up partners who aren't virgins to sleeping with my type of genitals. It's this compounding minority thing - gay is already a minority, then being trans is a minority among fags, and then having had meta is a minority within that. I'm trying to find pride in being unique, but it's really hard when, even on here, people just jump in to say "Yeah, that's unattractive."
I can completely understand your frustration if this has been the case when you've mentioned that you're trans. Do you think it's because of the sites that you're on as to why you're coming across the same response? Personally when I'd mention the trans thing on some other sites (as you've found out we're not allowed to mention dating cites but they start with T and OK) I didn't get those kinds of responses but again, that may be because the guys I ended up talking to were bi. It may be that you're looking in the complete wrong places to meet the kind of people that are going to respect you and accept your body? I'm going to be ending up at the same place as you having had meta and god damn do I relate to feeling like a minority in the dating world. At the end of the day, like you say, most people know about phallo as it is 'THE' trans surgery and even people within the trans community have no idea or are misinformed about meta both what it is and what it leaves you with. Bar research I've done off my own back and a certain few very informative secret facebook groups I'm a part of I'd barely even heard of metoidioplasty so I really can't imagine that 99.9% of cis gay males have. Dude it sucks that you're always going to have to be educating and explaining when you just want to find someone that understands your body and is able to navigate it. The only thing I can say is that every person has different wants and needs during sex. So no matter whether you're cis or trans, if you get with another person they're never going to 100% know what to do to best please you. Theres always going to have to be some explaining or just communication between two people to work out likes, limits, the whole lot. I know it's not much of a consolation but you'll meet the person that is completely accepting and loves your body. We all go through a damn difficult journey to get to a point where we're content in our bodies and the fact that you're there is absolutely amazing, don't let someone elses meaningless opinion determine your self worth no matter how frustrated you may get.
