i don't feel female, why do I have to keep on repeating that I am a woman. I know it's true but it feels like a lie. I found myself looking into medication just to say I took it and that I'm not female. I generally speaking don't want to screw up my body and for myself I would not take T. I'm just feeling... increasingly ... desparate? Torn? But why isn't it enouh that I feel like a dude? Why does nobody want to hear it? I don't want to be treated like a girl. Why are others being prioritised over what I want? Why can cis women take hormones to look more feminine, and if I want to be androgynous, I can't do anything? Why does taking testosterone have to be such a one way ticket? Once you mess it up, it might never be roght again. I'm afraid to take drastic steps. How I look is not how I want to look like. I want to look along the lines of androgynous male. But... hormones are such a one-way ticket. I enjoy... being pretty. But I want to look masculine. In a broader sense of this word. Even if I looked like an androgynous woman, like the ones google throws as search results, I'd be happy. Because I could say I'm androgynous, not female. Every time I have to say that I'm a woman, it hurts. It just feels wrong. I don't want shit thrown at me for saying otherwise. I don't want to be called delusional. I wish people didn't respond so harshly, but like to any other subjective thing.
I know what you mean, Emerry. People cam be quite cruel and stuck in their own ridiculous standards. But, we don't have to live within them, we can make our own. Most androgynous people are often small chested, slightly curvy and wear gender neutral clothes, that both genders wear. They have short hair, but it's sorta flippy so they can make it feminine, if need be. If you are large chested then, a binder would be helpful. I don't suggest hormones as it will change your face and body type to be extremely feminine, or extremely masculine. The whole point of androgynous is to live between the extremes. It's difficult, but it is possible. There are plenty of fashion blogs to follow, but here's a few tips of what androgynous really is. Tomboy is more androgynous, but the cuts are always feminine. Butch, or lesbian themed clothing, is way to masculine (if you're more prone o masculine extremes this would be a good place for you) and pure androgynous is women's clothing cut for men and men's clothing cut for women. It's the style and the cuts that have to contradict themselves to be androgynous. But, body shape and what you do to change it, is what also helps. As for you not feeling female, but calling yourself one. All that means is your mind is telling you, your female but other parts of you are saying male. Hence the term androgynous. It is a bit difficult to wrap your head around, I know. But, there are many cultures that accept androgynous people. In the native tribes they call them, "two spirits." They have female and male spirits. What's more important to you, being seen as both, or being seen as neither? This is both. I used to be bigender, or believed I was, and I dealt with it as a balancing act. Substituting male things for feminine ones and depending on which side I was leaning towards most, that would be the main style, or cut that I chose. As for neither, it's being accepting of both genders, main binaries, but refusing to lean heavily towards either. It's basically nonbinary, but a bit different. Perhaps this will be helpful. But, I get the vibe that perhaps you're more struggling with accepting yourself as androgynous, than you are struggling with how to be androgynous. Correct me, if I'm wrong.
I have to say I don't really understand myself when it comes to those desires. I know all that about fashion. And about non-binary identities. But thank you for input. I'm trying and trying and trying, with the image, and nobody notices a thing. Because ultimately, I look like a girl to them and it's all that matters (to them). It's not about the breasts. Sometimes someone even thinks I'm a man but... in the end I get treated like a "girl". I hate that. It's all because I'm pretty by conventional standards. I wouldnmt care. But other people care. And it hurts. I feel ashamed of those feelings because I don't know what's going on. I am not sure if it is about the cultural layer of all that or if it, like sports and fighting, or if I feel that I am a male... more biologically. I don't know. I don't understand. I am not nonbinary. I am a man. With an androgynous "note" maybe. So what if I don't follow so called conventional standards of beauty? It's just a look, it's just a decoration. I feel dysphoria. I hate it when others see me as a female. Everything is better than that.
I have to say I don't really understand myself when it comes to those desires. I know all that about fashion. And about non-binary identities. But thank you for input. I'm trying and trying and trying, with the image, and nobody notices a thing. Because ultimately, I look like a girl to them and it's all that matters (to them). It's not about the breasts. Sometimes someone even thinks I'm a man but... in the end I get treated like a "girl". I hate that. It's all because I'm pretty by conventional standards. I wouldnmt care. But other people care. And it hurts. I feel ashamed of those feelings because I don't know what's going on. I am not sure if it is about the cultural layer of all that or if it, like sports and fighting, or if I feel that I am a male... more biologically. I don't know. I don't understand. I am not nonbinary. I am a man. With an androgynous "note" maybe. So what if I don't follow so called conventional standards of beauty? It's just a look, it's just a decoration. I feel dysphoria. I hate it when others see me as a female. Everything is better than that.
I'm not sure. I'm confused about pronouns, and it's not something that I care about very much. Pretty - sometimes it makes me feel complemented (someone made a complement, right? They appreciate some positive thing in me), but sometimes I just feel irritated by the meaning it carries. I mean, I wouldn't mind sometimes, but if I hear it all the time, and never hear that I'm strong and cool, it just annoys me very much. Or was this more disbelief on your part? I don't want to be harsh or anything ... I'm just extremely irritable about the whole situation, but I need to get it out... somehow. The problem won't solve itself if I don't solve it.
It wasn't disbelief on my part. And I know what you mean by pretty not equaling strong. I think it's just the stereotypical society we live in. But, sporty girls are strong and can still be pretty. It's not impossible. You just have to figure out what works best for you.
I relate to this a lot. I feel the desperation of wanting to pass as masculine, but I don’t want to transition so far that I am seen as a cis man. Essentially I would ideally be androgynous enough to pass as male without trying, but easily appear femme/woman if I tried to dress myself up and wear makeup and such. I want top surgery.. the works. But I can’t bring myself to do it because I know it’s unrealistic and would make my life harder than it needs to be, and overall I just feel so much apathy right now I don’t know what to do. I know I’m not a man, I’m mostly agender.. I even have trouble sticking with a chosen name for more than a few months at a time. But I’m just so desperate and sick of this. I don’t try and convince myself I’m a woman anymore like maybe you do to cope, but I feel stuck in the steps I would need / want to take to change / improve my life. I have trouble knowing what I truly want and a lot of self doubt and fear towards the changes as well. I want to have a masculine body but keep being my feminine self.
Well, pretty makes me think dainty, little, weak... I wish others could see that other side of things (strong) at all and paid attention to it. This is what I want to be complemented on. Not... being pretty.
Same... I feel stupid for saying that I am a man now. Ugh. Why does it have to be so complicated?! Yeah, I want to be my masculine self and look androgynous. And don't want to change my name. My name is my name. Period. Heck, being a tomboy would be enough for me, if anyone paid freakin' attention to it and not swipe everything under the "but you are a girl" carpet!
I feel the same. I don’t want to go on T because then I would be too masculine yet at the moment I am too feminine. I admire androgyny and also want to look like an androgynous male. I’m sorry that you feel this way yet relieved that it’s not just me. Something will sort itself out, Emerry, and you will understand.
